Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal

[sanmagic7]

we've got you, armee.  we're in this together.  much love and a hug filled with continued determination.

[Armee]

Oof. Yesterday was tough. So many of my old negative thoughts, so much time lost to dissociation. I finally reached out to T for some help restabilizing and that was effective.

I don't know if others have had a similar experience but I have a certain set of negative thoughts that come from the PTSD and are protective in a way. Triggering situations lead to an avalanche of circular negative thoughts but trying to use cognitive behavioral therapy on these thoughts makes it way way way worse.

T picked up on that last night when we talked to get me back ok and told me to treat them like intrusive thoughts like OCD and just not engage with them. Just be all "ok hi thought that I'm stupid wrong and bad. I see you." Then move on. Trying to "defeat" them just makes it worse. Just fight to stay present with everything I've got, whatever I have to do beside SH. And that approach ended up working. I still had some of the thoughts but not engaging them let me move on faster and not trigger an avalanche of other bad thoughts. 

But anyway...
I think that's why I ended up in such a bad spot this week was because we tried to go back a little to cognitive behavioral therapy on Tuesday, which we had scrapped for awhile as not being effective for me.

My working theory this week is that it is triggering for the gaslighting that I experience with my mom. Like i may have a negative thought when she doesn't answer when I call 5 minutes late that "shes not answering because I called late" ---> "she doesn't want to talk to me." Cognitive Behavioral Therapy would say that is distorted because I don't know that's true and it's distorted because it's jumping to conclusions or whatever.  So then I think: "I shouldn't think that" but in the back of my head I know it's TRUE but "I shouldn't think like that, I'm causing my own suffering."

But if I don't think that and catch those patterns then I end up on a wild ride with my mom's mental illnesses. So then I get scared I'm going to be hurt again if I drop those thoughts and I get super stuck feeling.

And in the end, identifying the original thought "she doesn't want to talk to me" as distorted and needing to be defeated is very similar to the gaslighting I've been through where she denies everything and leaves my head spinning and thinking "it must be me. I am wrong and bad and crazy."

Anyway I'm glad I'm back to my normal state. It's not a perfect state but I'm not lost and drowning so I'll take it!

[rainydiary]

I appreciate what you offer here Armee.  I don't find CBT helpful.  I think it is essentially telling someone to invalidate their own experience.  There is a reason we have the thoughts and feelings we have. 

For me the healing has come from actually being heard in the thoughts and feelings I have and not being told I shouldn't think or feel that way.  Then sometimes on my own, I begin to see "Oh maybe that story I have is off" because I now have different information. 

I can relate to what you share about getting in a spiral.  Sometimes it takes me a long time to recognize I'm in one. 

I hope today feels more easeful for you.

[Libby183]

So pleased that you are feeling a bit better, Armee. Those constant thoughts, followed by talking yourself out of those thoughts is just so exhausting.

Wishing you all the best. Libby.

[BeeKeeper]

I don't find CBT helpful.  I think it is essentially telling someone to invalidate their own experience.  There is a reason we have the thoughts and feelings we have.

Plus, I saw myself in every single thought you wrote!

And in the end, identifying the original thought "she doesn't want to talk to me" as distorted and needing to be defeated is very similar to the gaslighting I've been through where she denies everything and leaves my head spinning and thinking "it must be me. I am wrong and bad and crazy."

It's exhausting. I'm glad you're in a better place.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Alter-eg0]

Glad you're feeling better, Armee.

I recognise what you said about the negative thoughts, and CBT techniques making it worse. I have that same experience. The thing is, a lot of the time, we already know these thoughts are not rational. We know perfectly well what we "should" be thinking, and that doesn't make them go away. I mean, if it were that simple, we would have gotten rid of those thoughts a long time ago. And in my experience, trying to "rationalize" them, is kind of like invalidation. Those thoughts serve a purpose (sometimes I have to listen to the underlying intention or feeling, instead of the actual thought, and it actually begins to make more sense that those thoughts are there, whether they are true or not), and invalidating them by countering them with "helpful thoughts" only makes them stronger....so the technique that your T helped you with, just acknowledging them without interacting with them, actually did wonders for me too.
I once downloaded that Headspace app and did some short meditations that kind of worked the same way; instead of blocking thoughts out or fighting them, just pretending that they are like clouds floating by, and that when you notice them, you kind of just say "hi" and then gently move your focus to something else again as they float on by. I guess it's like treating yourself with more compassion.

Have a good day!

[Armee]

Thank you everyone for affirming the CBT experience. It works for some things but not the trauma. My T recommended a book on intrusive thoughts. I've read the sample while I wait for a hardcopy. (Overcoming unwanted intrusive thoughts). I don't think the intrusive thoughts are the issue. Those I can ignore cause they are so ridiculous. But I'm sure I'll learn something from it and can then also help my T see what is missing.

My sister is planning on visiting next week. That always gets pretty intense. We love each other but we see the hurt in each other and it's like affirming how bad things were/are. We can hide from ourselves but not each other.

The kids start school in a week and a half! In person, normal schedule!!!! It has been a year and a half of having them home while trying to work and nonstop interruptions. I cant even imagine what it'll feel like to better be able to separate work and family again.

[BeeKeeper]

Armee,

that's a lot of changes in a short period of time. With all the growth and changes in you, it may be that your sister's visit will have a different flavor this time. I don't know. I imagine it will be fun for you to see her and put one more piece of your life back together.

My fairy godmother wishes the school opening for your kids and your family goes well. It's been so disorienting for everyone. Here's to potential separation of work and family. 

[Armee]

Lots of hurt, sadness, confusion, anger. Mom fell again today and hit her head. I found out EMTs said she should have someone keep an eye on her so she is having her neighbor come over. I offered, gently, kindly to come sit with her.

But she coldly said no her neighbor would come over.  There's just so many conflicting feelings. I already was feeling a bit raw recognizing my own "Waldo" to borrow from Bee's analogy that a fundamental belief i have, with lots of (what feels like) proof..is that bad things will happen and/or I will be abandoned if I am not 200% perfect all the time.

I was reading a book this weekend...a young adult novel about adoption and family called "Far From the Tree." I recognized a lot of my beliefs and reactions in one of the characters. And some of the stuff that happened, like him being thrown against a bookshelf....it wasn't triggering...it's more like feeling compassion and sadness and anger for someone else's story and then realizing how many parallels to your own life it has and being a little stunned that maybe I'm supposed to have some level of compassion for myself like that too.

I wish someone would write my life as a novel so I'd know what I'm supposed to feel about it and then could feel it.   

And like Bee but not as bad, all these conflicting emotions are taking up residence in my neck and it's painful. I may need to buckle and find a masseuse. But i dread that because they get so mad at me that I can't relax. And even the lightest touch can be very painful.

[sanmagic7]

 

[BeeKeeper]

Armee,

I really like this:

then realizing how many parallels to your own life it has and being a little stunned that maybe I'm supposed to have some level of compassion for myself like that too.

Formatting choices are mine. So yeah, you're opening up to see the possibilities. And that is (to borrow my T's favorite word) HUGE. It's distressing to read that your Mom fell and injured herself. and even more that she's determined to maintain that arm's length stance with you. A thought that pops up is that she's really invested in this story she's constructed about herself despite reality and that's always tragic and sad when someone does that. I'm not going to be popular with this next thought. It is her choice. Personally, it bothers me when people make those choices and I've learned with my sister, it's not possible to change their choices. So I know the devastation that causes for you. Follow your intuition and you'll be OK.

Challenge those beliefs that connect proof with unattainable states. Proof is found everywhere and your selection matters. Choose the good proofs, which dissolve the false narratives.

Here's a shocker. You'll be able to write your own autobiography. It may be a paragraph here or there, a page or two, an entire chapter. Who knows? You are already putting down all the outline, HERE!

Don't make any sudden movements with your neck, arms or bending down to get something from the refrigerator. Slow, easy, lots of horizontal periods. Allow yourself to "buckle" the sooner the better. It makes a difference.

Affectionately Bee and Waldo 

[Armee]

All of these sentiments feel very correct, Bee. Thank you for them. Deep in the pit the thinking gets a bit goofy but these are the thoughts I have when that old prefrontal cortex is working right. It gets messy in my brain. Also thank you for the self compassion tidbits. I do listen to tara brach cause T sends them to me. But her advice feels out of reach for me still. But it's inching closer. I got R and I down, but A and N are like a foreign language. She's speaking english but what is she saying?

I could write an autobiography one day...but today I want someone to tell me how I'm supposed to feel.

[rainydiary]

I could write an autobiography one day...but today I want someone to tell me how I'm supposed to feel.

I am relating strongly to this.  As I am upset, I want someone to take the upset away.  But what am I feel when it isn't upset or triggered.  I appreciate your support. 

[Hope67]

I was reading a book this weekend...a young adult novel about adoption and family called "Far From the Tree." I recognized a lot of my beliefs and reactions in one of the characters. And some of the stuff that happened, like him being thrown against a bookshelf....it wasn't triggering...it's more like feeling compassion and sadness and anger for someone else's story and then realizing how many parallels to your own life it has and being a little stunned that maybe I'm supposed to have some level of compassion for myself like that too.

I wish someone would write my life as a novel so I'd know what I'm supposed to feel about it and then could feel it.   

Hi Armee,
I also find that reading books that cover issues like adoption and family are things I can relate to.  I think that when I listen to the reactions of characters in such books to situations, and especially if there's an empathic or understanding character there who comments on the situations, then it's like they understand, and I tend to look for those things.  (Sorry - I started knowing what I was writing here, but now I'm not sure where it's going) - but what I did think reading what you wrote, is that I relate to it.  Sending you a hug 
Hope