Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal

[Jazzy]

Yes; I also noticed something happened with the account and I’m concerned. I hope everything is okay and Armadillo comes back when it is right.

Armadillo: I hope all goes well with your vacation and that it provides some peace.

We’re here for you as you need us, to the best of our abilities 

[Kizzie]

I saw that this morning too Armadillo. If you want some help reinstating your account let me know at OOTSManager@gmail.com. 

In the meantime have a great vacation! 

[Hope67]

Hi Armee,
I hope you enjoy your vacation.  Hope you safely get back in the forum when you're back, and sending you a hug in the meantime.   
Hope 

[BeeKeeper]

Welcome back Armadillo, whenever you get here, I'm waiting!

FYI: We'll have to come up with an alternate spelling of "Armee" since there is a new member by that name July 17 

[Armee]

I think that's me...I couldn't get Atmadillo reinstated. Thanks Bee. 

[BeeKeeper]

Oh! You Poor Thing! I actually thought of that, but then confusion reigned. Anyway, Hey Armee 

So many questions, all none of my bees wax!

[sanmagic7]

i read about your rock and a hard place concerning a visit with your mother, and i truly feel for you.  i completely understand that feeling of wanting to fake it, wanting to just be ok with it, wanting options to be different than they are, etc.  it's a terrible place to be stuck in. 

my first thought was letting the kids go with your husband, but you addressed that, said it would make you feel like (basically) a bad daughter.  just a question about that, not one you need to answer or even think about if you don't want to - your children want to see their grandmother, she hasn't asked to see them, you don't want to be around her or have your kids be around her by themselves, right?  those last 2 points sound like self-care, and protection for both you and your children.  i don't see anything wrong or bad about self-care.  my thought about it, my opinion only.

the other thought revolved around her asking about them but no invitation for them to come see her.  that sounds to me like the lack of visitation is on her.  to your kids, maybe you could tell them that she's too sick for visitors, which is why none of you have visited lately.  don't know if that'll work, but it sounds like an option i would choose.

no matter which way you decide, she isn't going to change, and your feelings about being around her are valid.  i don't think we ever need to put ourselves in a frightening or threatening situation, no matter who is involved.  we do need to take care of ourselves the best we can, and there's nothing wrong about that.  best to you with this dilemma, armee.  (it's a cute nickname, and does sound softer to me than armadillo - as long as you're ok with it).  love and hugs

[BeeKeeper]

back again, just can't stay away today!

 

i don't think we ever need to put ourselves in a frightening or threatening situation, no matter who is involved. 

[Armee]

Thank you BB, Kizzie, Jazzy, Hope, Bee, and San for your support,  concern, kind words, hugs, and requested advice.

I'm not sure what to say about what happened. I take a lot of ownership too and know that I was triggered and reacting from that fearful spot when I deleted my account. I am sorry for what happened. Kizzie, I appreciate so much the heart you put into tough moderating situations.

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I did end up going to my mom's house today. I spent a good couple hours in a therapy session with my T Friday working up to it. I knew that I WANT to behave kindly. I know that she triggers me badly and my freeze response kicks in and makes me cold as ice. So I'm trying to find ways to respond from what I want instead of how my body reacts.

For awhile my T had me doing an exercise of metta/kindness meditation with a circle of protectors: my husband, my aunt, my friend/substitute dad. Working up to wishing my mom well. At some point he asked me something and I had to remind him just as we were getting to my mom..."you know, I can't visualize  any of this right? I just get some physical sensations and hear your voice as you are saying this stuff?"

Hah he had forgotten. So then he made me pull up a photo of her to look at and jeez balls. Before long I was quite dissociated and accidentally made myself bleed. I also got quite creeped out when he moved my husband behind me in the imaginary meditation circle and couldn't relax until he was rotated to my side again. This stuff makes me quite upset, that I have these physical fears of someone who has never harmed me and never would and who I have been friends with for 30 years.  crazy amygdala.

But in the end we ended up with a plan that I'd have my husband go with me, as a protector. And my T said "and I can be there too, if you want." That gave me this nice feeling going into it that my T was behind me with a hand firmly on my shoulder, looking out for me to be ok, knowing he'd steer me straight out if it got to be harmful to me. That sensation really helped.

So anyway, I brought distractions, had my family of 4 there and it was ok. I did not dissociate during or after (just before). Being alone would have been different but this was fine.

I know I have emotions I've batted away though because of the back pain, chest pains and blurry vision ive been having all weekend. I told my T that for my appointment tomorrow I want to work on feeling my emotions, not defeating my negative thoughts. I don't think CBT is very good for someone like me. It reinforces my inability to feel any emotions except physically. I told my T I'd feel very cheated if I went through 3 yrs of therapy and never once needed a tissue.

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On the positive side, my camping trip with my little family was great. The kids were good to each other and we all had a great time trying our hand at standup paddleboarding. I even did it some even though I have a deadly reaction to cold water. I just stayed close to shore so that in case I fell I could get out right away and be ok. But I never fell.   

[sanmagic7]

hey,

just want to let you know, i don't reply in journals unless i'm up to it, but thank you for the reassurance that i don't have to be here if i'm not. 

i'm so glad you and your fam had a good time on vacation.  also loved hearing that you gathered your protection people around you when you went to your mom's, and you were able to make it thru.  i've done that with forum members in the past, imagined a bunch of people from here walking with me, staying by my side, as i went thru something upsetting.  may i offer to you that if you ever need it, i'm happy to walk next to you, be behind you,, or whatever you need.  you don't have to go thru any of this alone.  so glad your t offered that 'being' with you, too.  that's great!

and, as always, sending love and hugs filled with continued perseverance as you keep moving thru your recovery.   that big hug is to remind you that i do, indeed, have your back, even if i'm not up to responding here, ok?

[Blueberry]

  Hi Armee, it's good to see you back. 

[rainydiary]

Armee, I appreciate you sharing about your experience with your T.  I personally struggle with loving kindness meditation and find myself triggered anytime I participate in one.  For me I am realizing that offering kindness in my mind to others is tough because my mind is often not a kind place for myself or to myself.  I also notice I can be kind to others but the idea of offering kindness to people that have hurt me is so challenging.  I am personally not sure that is the best tool for trauma survivors at times.  I appreciate you taking steps to care for yourself. 

[Armee]

Blueberry thank you for the warm welcome back. 

San thank you. You always have the warmest most loving words. I'm so very happy when you have the energy to be here for us and for yourself.  And thank you for offering your presence as a protector when I need it. I love that idea of bringing you all with me when I need the support of people who get it.

Rainy
I'm still working my way through catching up on journals and know I haven't gotten to yours yet but I've been reading and thinking of you. I can tell how much you love your kitty and want to do best by her and how much pain that is causing you. And from the outside can I just say: you are taking the BEST care of her. She's lucky to have you. 

Armee, I appreciate you sharing about your experience with your T.  I personally struggle with loving kindness meditation and find myself triggered anytime I participate in one.
...
I am personally not sure that is the best tool for trauma survivors at times.  I appreciate you taking steps to care for yourself.

I 100% agree with this. I was super triggered by it when T tried it on me in the beginning and avoided it for a couple years.  For me, I couldn't handle "may you be free from inner and outer harm." T tried modifying it to leave that statement out for me but my brain still filled in the gap. Giving up control over life and death was too frightening and unacceptable, especially with my kids.

I think because they feel like empty words I don't have trouble with reciting them toward myself, but thinking or saying "be kind to Armee" or "I love you Armee" has triggered lots of bad reactions. I finally got through that with some somatic experiencing and ironically that is what led me to being able to push my mom away from me for the past 5 months and to stop blaming myself for everything. I need to write about that sometime.

Finally, toward other people who have harmed me,...I can see completely how this is not ok for traumatized and abused people.

For me, I specifically asked T Friday to help me get to a place where I could react from what my logical mind wants...which is to be kind toward my mom in her final months...instead of reacting in a triggered state. Because this is what I want deeply I think it was ok, specifically, for me. But there was nothing like "you have to forgive her and be kind." It was more about me trying to gain mastery over the FFFF response by keeping my logical brain active and remembering that I want to be kind.

This is self-protective for me on a couple levels...1. if I do not behave kindly then it becomes all my fault in my own head and yes I am working on that but still I don't want that hanging over me and 2. It seems to have helped keep me from dissociating which has been a very disruptive symptom for me because what I want more than anything in the whole wide world is to be present with my little family.

My mom, it's complicated, you know? She's just so damaged and mentally ill that she just can't step out of her own box of needs to attend to others or see how her actions affect us or take ownership for her behaviors and the consequences. But she isn't malicious.
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I had a dream a few nights ago, that her doctors changed her diagnosis from bipolar to schizophrenia and I felt this enormous guilt for not being kinder, because of how disabling schizophrenia can be. And I actually do wonder if it is more akin to schizoaffective disorder (bipolar + schizophrenia).

Either way, she is suffering, and the harm to me is incidental, not intentional. It doesn't make it ok for me to be hurt, and I don't feel anything but pity and hate and responsibility. She should have done better, but she didn't and here we are at the end of her life. At this point I just want to be true to myself which is being kind to people who are suffering, to the extent I can do that without causing harm to my own little family.

I am  not saying this is the right answer for everyone or even anyone, and it's only tolerable for me because my mom is not outright abusive and I have near certainty that there's a reasonable time stamp on putting myself back in potential harm's way.

[BeeKeeper]

Armee,

there's so much in your posts that I'm not sure I can respond to everything I want to, but starting with the most recent first:

At this point I just want to be true to myself which is being kind to people who are suffering, to the extent I can do that without causing harm to my own little family.

This puts it all in a nice nugget which includes yourself first, (Yeah!) others, and your family. I like that way you phrased it.

It is impressive and inspiring the way you methodically considered your family's needs, your own needs, feelings and the way you prepared so AWESOMELY!

Your envisioning your T's imaginary and affirming hand on your shoulder, your determination to be present and your aftercare are so multi-faceted and wow! My preparation for a triggering Zoom includes how many layers of plastic to put over the camera! 

Standing paddleboarding! 
Woo hooo, I am SO jealous, but now I can act on that little thought which I had just 3 days ago when I saw people on the lake doing it. I wanna do that too! I can and I will.

There's more I'm sure, but my brain is melting, and I'm going to my journal now for an update.

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad you're back, Armee.