Sage's Journal

[Armee]

Your dreams are amazing.

[Not Alone]

It's awesome that you are writing.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, armee and notalone.

The dinner turned out great. it's called cheater's lasagna. Mainly cause you layer ravioli instead of making a meat mixture and cooking lasagna noodles. Great timesaver, and I made it with an alfredo sauce so my acid reflux wouldn't complain later. Delicious, really, and made enough in a square cake pan for two meals cause it's so filling. That's a keeper recipe.

[Hope67]

Hi CactusFlower,
I really like the sound of that lasagne - what a great idea with the ravioli sheets.  It sounds so good.  I think I'm going to try it sometime.

Hope 

[Armee]

Brilliant hack!

[CactusFlower]

Going to get out COVID booster shots later this afternoon. I'm hoping to convince bro (not difficult) to stop at Wendy's on the way home since it'll be dinner-ish.

Tomorrow afternoon, Varric gets a vet visit for the weight he's lost and yakking. Although he's on a different bag of food this time and hasn't done that yet, he still gets very tired of the bag about 3/4 of the way through and eats the last of it slower. I keep the bags well-closed, so it's not a freshness issue.  Also, Pumpkin doesn't care and is even a little chubby. I dug out his adoption papers and he was born 8/28/13. Wow, I didn't realize he was just now 9. He certainly acts like a kitten still. I am worried about the weight loss, though. I can feel his vertebra and hip bones. it's really eating at me because I'm waiting to get disability, so the budget is pretty tight, and I feel utterly horrible at not being a good enough pet mom for him. My pets have always been family members and I take care of them no matter what. To feel like I can't do the best for him is just awful. It'll probably be something simple like dental or stuff, but my brain catastrophizes and jumps to things like cancer. I have to remind myself he has no other signs of anything wrong. Varric still eats, drinks, poops, zooms around at night, bugs Pumpkin, meows to be held, sleeps in the sunshine, etc. Normal cat behavior. Sigh. The stress is eating at me. Hard to concentrate on anything else.

[Armee]

I hope you get good news tomorrow about your kitty and it isn't too costly. You do take good care of them. Vet visits are mighty expensive and sometimes can't be afforded. Your love is still there and that's what matters most. I'm sorry you are still waiting on disability. 

[CactusFlower]

Goodness, yesterday was not fun. Varric's vet visit went okay-ish. They took some blood to do a thyroid/liver/kidney panel since there didn't seem to be any obvious reason for him to lose weight. I should get the results today or monday.

What didn't help was the effects of the COVID booster shot. Achy all over, joint pain, sore at injection site, utterly exhausted, and felt like I could sleep for years. We came home from the vet and I napped for a couple hours. Got up and hit the restroom and got a little dinner, then napped again for a few hours. Played on the computer but don't really remember it, then went to bed early. The exhaustion has lifted a little this morning, but the achy stuff is added to due to laying down for so long. My back and hips are hating me right now. Not to mention I really wasn't hungry yesterday. I had a protein shake at breakfast, an apple after the vet, and tea and buttered toast before bed. That's it. And I'm not really that hungry today.Don't worry, I have had another protein shake and I'm staying hydrated. But if I don't respond much to other journals, I just don't have the energy. Peace to ya'll, talk soon. group hug

[Hope67]

Hi CactusFlower,
I hope you recover soon from your Covid booster shot.  Sending you a hug, and hope you have a relaxing weekend, and feel tons better soon.   
Hope 

[Armee]

Feel better soon, Sage. In the meantime rest up. You'll get your appetite back. Let us know when you hear about kitty's tests.

[rainydiary]

I hope you feel better soon.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you so much, rainy, armee, and hope. hugs back.

It feels like that took longer than it did. I think a mild fever broke last night. Back to the normal (for me) levels of ache and fatigue. Yay, but I do feel much clearer and alert, and not dizzy anymore.

Had a lovely mediation in today's ACA meeting, it involved meeting one's compassionate guide or self. Mine turned out to look like someone slightly older, long braided hair, flowy linen/cottony clothes, silver and stone jewelry, and just this air of kindness and love. I asked who they were, and they said "The you that you should have been... and yet can be." Somehow I just knew that this compassionate and unconditionally loving person who was so gentle and yet brave, mellow and strong, was who I would have been without the trauma. And that she's someone I still can become bit by bit.

[Armee]

To others, you already are that person, Sage. It will be truly beautiful when you can be that to yourself and I see you just around the corner from that goal. 

I also understand what you mean and how powerful getting that glimpse can be. I had that early in therapy when T asked me to watch a video on being wholehearted and I didn't think that that was something that would ever be in my reach. I had a real person in my mind as someone who seemed entirely wholehearted....similar to yours...The older aunt of a coworker I met just once for an hour. Very earthy, silver hair in a bun, walking us through her farm, serving hugs to me (a stranger) along with home grown and home dried plum leather and tomatoes. He reassured me I can be wholehearted and I've held onto that this whole time with this disbelief but goal I can be that person.

I see it already there for you.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, armee. I don't normally feel like that, but it's definitely a goal. Look up Lily Tomlin in her tv show, Grace and Frankie.  I never watched, but I've seen pics and the free artsy comfy way she dress and everything is totally that look I meant. I like the concept of wholehearted. it's hard for us to see our own goals, but thank goodness we have this place where can share and see others!

I think the summery weather may have finally passed. our last few days of 71f were nice, but high winds and rain and cooler temps are due today. Making casseroles has worked well so far. I think the chilly outside may call for bacon cheese potato soup, though, Oh darn. Sometimes I wish I could just hibernate.

Such bizarre dreams. All I remember about last nights is that right before I woke up, I was listening to someone talk about videos about dictators while I shoved around piles of candy sprinkles. I have NO idea where that came from. LOL

[Armee]

Your dreams are good fodder for writing.

That soup sounds so perfect.

How's kitty?