Sage's Journal

[CactusFlower]

Hi, Armee, hugs! Thanks.

Varric's bloodwork came back all 100% normal. So next step is to get him some special sensitive stomach food and try that for a month or two while monitoring weight. We're going to have to go to a "fed separately and only at certain times" things with two cats, cause Pumpkin is chonky. Sigh. This should be interesting.

Check-in with my meds doc, dosages staying the same for a while. The key currently is to not get worse, regardless if "better" happens or not. I don't go out as much in winter anyway, so maintenance is the order of the day. I have had a little more luck with lucidity during nightmares, being able to kinda kick myself out towards the end. Regular dreams have had different versions of a "searching" theme in general. So we'll see what comes up with that. Writing going okay as well. Just maintaining the evenness, I guess? I'll take it.

[CactusFlower]

Very triggered and anxious tonight. Trigger warning for unwell pets and bodily fluids.








Giving Varric different food separately is not going well. He doesn't like it ($20 for the bag!) and has been sick twice today. I'm going back to just the Rachel Ray stuff, see if he's okay on that still. He didn't get sick with this previous bag of it.  And no, he doesn't like canned food. I seriously am worried. I have always prided myself on being a good pet mom, doing whatever it took for my fur kids to have a good life. (Varric's only 9.) I absolutely cannot afford an ultrasound, which the vet keeps saying should be another step. That's $3-500 dollars average. Waiting to get on disability, I don't have it (everything is earmarked for bills at this point). And given that his bloodwork is perfectly fine, the only thing it might detect is polyps or lesions or whatever in the GI tract. I can't imagine how treating that could work. So I'm both worried sick and feeling like an utter failure, which means disassociating hard. Just zoning for hours. I just wanna lay in bed and stare at the wall.  It's almost midnight, I gotta go to bed anyway. Just... yeah.

[Not Alone]

I know you love Varric. It is okay to have limits on how much you can or will spend at the vet. You are a good "mom."

[Armee]

  if a hug is ok.

I'm sorry Sage that Varric is sick. You are a good pet mom. Sometimes we need to let nature take her course. We can't fix everything and if you could you would try whatever but you are right...what will an ultrasound really solve other than put you in debt? You are being a good cat mom. I'm sorry disability still hasn't come through. That is maddening.

Sitting with you through the pain and worry.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Armee and NotAlone.  We're just taking it slowly. I went back to the Rachel Ray Nutrish last night. No urping last night and he hasn't yet today. I saw him eating breakfast, so we're going to the store later to get more Nutrish. It may not be this fancy stuff, but if he eats it without getting sick, that's what matters.  Just wish he;d eat a little more. Maybe I'll see if there are any good cat treats at the store and get those too. He's liked little crunchy treats in the past.

Had family dinner last night. Bro was tired and left after, but I watched "Nope" with the BFF. WOW.  I can see why the guy is winning awards. It's wonderful acting, scary as heck without being that gross, and very... different. I really liked it. Impressive.

I also made potato soup the day before, so lots of good leftovers with that. The soup/casserole work is going well. I also bought one of those cool choppers where you just put the veggie in and press it through the blades. That should help reduce time spent at the counter as well as when I have achy hands. There are times I still get frustrated and resentful that I can't do things like I used to, but I do thank my Higher Power for the existence of assistive devices. Hm. Leftover potato soup sounds good about now.

[rainydiary]

I enjoy reading about your meals and was so drawn to potato soup - I am a potato fan.  I am also appreciative for assistive devices and wish our culture was more accepting of them.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Armee]

Fingers crossed Varric continues to do well. 

[CactusFlower]

Thank you and hugs back, san and armee.

It's day 2? 2.5? of being back on the Nutrish instead of the expensive food and he hasn't urped yet. I'll take the wins. Here's hoping he doesn't lose any more weight. I also bought a bag of the little crunchy treats at teh store. I know he likes those and I'll just be generous throughout the day. (while trying not to make Pumpkin jealous, sigh) At least he's eating something, so that helps a little.

Happy Halloween and all that. I will say, being introverted and agoraphobic-ish does save money. My neighborhood doesn't get a lot of kids walking around anyway. I think we'll just do our usual movie watching and snacking tonight. Bro has a quiz he just left for. I'm sure he'll do fine. I loaned him my short white wig and he has on khaki shorts, a white t-shirt, and socks with sandals. I told him to say, "Get offa my lawn!" several times, LOL.

Missing Mom quite a bit today. I used to love having her help me put a costume together. I always did my own thing and was never the same thing twice. I pretty much stopped in my 40s as life was too... messy in a lot of ways.  But how I wish I could just talk to her again.

[sanmagic7]

i wish you could, too.  a sweet halloween memory, tho.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry Sage that Varric is sick. You are a good pet mom. Sometimes we need to let nature take her course. We can't fix everything and if you could you would try whatever but you are right...what will an ultrasound really solve other than put you in debt? You are being a good cat mom. I'm sorry disability still hasn't come through. That is maddening.

Sitting with you through the pain and worry.

I know that worry and pain about not having enough money for massive vet bills. If a hug helps 

[Armee]

Thinking of you as you miss your mom tonight. I wish you could talk to her again too.

[CactusFlower]

Doing okay so far, the cat also. I created a twitter for him, his user name is @GingerDoofus. In this short amount of time, the cat has gotten more followers than I did in a year! hahahaha

Went on a lovely day road trip with the BFF yesterday, this time to a town in the NE of the state. We'd planned on eating at a barbecue place there I found on google maps. BUT... when we got there, the BBQ place was hosting a meeting with the Republican candidate for governor! We got out very quickly and found a local Mexican food place that had great food. Then found a tiny historical one-room church was was built in 1897 just outside town. Lots of beautiful scenery, great companionship, a good day all around. I'm relaxing today and just taking it easy from being out all day. Even though most was sitting in a car, it was still effort. But good effort. It's a bit chillier today, so I'm also staying warm with tea and the kitties. Writing critique group tomorrow morning (via zoom), so that will be nice.

No change so far with my meds. They're keeping a good enough baseline and I'm not getting worse, so there ya go. There's still a small part of me that despairs at taking pills long-term, but I mostly have accepted it. It's hard to get past that feeling of failure, but at least I know where it comes from. I'm grateful I'm in a situation were I can work on things at my own pace. Very grateful.

[Armee]

I'm so glad the medication is working to at least provide a solid baseline for you.  it's not a failure and we are just so dang hard on ourselves. 

[Blueberry]

 

I love that you had a good road trip, that you're keeping warm and that you and GingerDoofus are both doing OK. 
for some extra warmth.