Hope's Journal: 2021 (Part 1)

[dollyvee]

Enjoying reading your journal and just seeing you express yourself 

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone, Blueberry, Jazzy & Dollyvee,
I appreciate your replies very much, thank you.   

Jazzy, your explanation of how to do the italics, that's great.  I will try it out now:  Jazzy  wow, I think that will work, and it's so easy... I can see bold as well.  wow, this is great.  I can do bold italic can I?  I'll have a look to see how it comes out...

[Hope67]

Ahh, I think it was bold underlined, but that's ok!!!  It works - thank you so much Jazzy I can also see the change colour option, so I'll try that out fantastic purple  very pleasant green pink

I am very happy about discovering these possibilities and them being so easy to use...   

Hope 

[Hope67]

26th April 2021
Interesting that I have tried to write this paragraph and I am censoring what I write, by re-writing and erasing.  I clearly don't feel able to just write what I want to just now.  I won't fight that.  It's ok.  I think part of me isn't happy about me trying to write.

But - what I do want to say is that I am feeling some strong feelings of shame today.  Shame for the fact that - and again, I can't write about those things.  I think it's ok to write that I feel shame.  That's enough to remind me.  Shame - it weighs heavy.

**TW Not sure what I'm going to write, but feel triggered, so mentioning a warning just incase it might trigger others

I had a horrible dream last night where I felt as if my face and body had gone completely numb and was swollen.  It was distressing.  I woke up at one point and found I did have pins and needles as if I'd cut off the blood supply to my arms, so maybe that was why I experienced that dream.  But I find generally that at night, when my parts are more activated that I experience tingling in my tongue, and feel as if I'm 'switching' - it's hard to explain.

I did wake at one point with some sheer terror kind of feelings, BUT I was able to immediately stay with the feeling, and think of it as a result of being triggered, and a communication with a part of myself who feels that terror.  I was glad that I could tolerate that, and recognise it as such - rather than how I would have reacted to it in the past.  So I feel that's some progress, and I wanted to write about it here.

I have been aware of older parts of myself becoming more active and affecting me in the daytime - such that they've caused me to end up saying things to my partner that I wouldn't normally say, and I've regretted some of those things, and I've apologised to him.  I tried to explain that I'm 'all over the place' in some respects at the moment, and he has been very supportive and also understanding.   I am relieved, but at the same time, I'm keen not to upset him - and so I am trying not to express some of those more unusual things that have been communicated by my parts.

I've still been doing the Tapping app by Nick Ortner, and I find that the female (also with the surname Ortner) is the one I prefer to listen to - she does one on Anxiety and I find that one quite helpful at the moment.  I'm trying to do it once a day, but some days I don't do it.  But it took me quite a long time to feel as if my parts were trusting enough to do it - and gain some benefit from it.  I do feel it is helpful.

The 'shame' that I've been feeling - it's very strong.  I realise that I've had a part that's most likely protected me from feeling 'shame' before - but now it's permeating through and feels tough to handle. 

I keep thinking of what Janina Fisher says about staying in the window of tolerance - i.e. not over stimulated and not under stimulated (I feel sure she uses other terminology than I used just then) - but I also notice that Kizzie talks of titrating and handling emotions in a way that isn't rushed, and is within a frame of toleration.  Again, the language feels 'clunky' now.  But never mind.

I also feel as if there's a more angry part of myself that I'm recognising more.  For so long, I didn't feel angry. 

Right now, I am actually feeling a bit tearful and upset, and wondering what has triggered that feeling at this moment.  Maybe it's the grief that my emotions were numbed, and dissociated from, for so many years - living life without realising the impact of my early childhood traumas.  Carrying them, stuffing them down, and splitting off and compartmentalising different emotions that weren't acceptable or supported. 

Whenever I read books about adopted or fostered children (as part of my bibliotherapy) I am always enjoying the care and compassion expressed by the foster carer, who is often a social worker kind of person - but someone who is highly compassionate and caring, and my small attached part of myself latches on to the care and love of that person, as if it's a drug that she wants to have forever.  (I can feel my distressed attached part crying now, as she misses that love and attention of a loving mother).  I don't feel my own M was capable of that unconditional positive regard.  She had her own issues.  She still does.

Now, she turns in my direction because she no longer has her life-partner, and looks and experts my obedience as her doting daughter, and I can see her vitriol - and lack of compassion and any sense of love towards me - hence, I know I cannot turn towards her, and meet her needs, because to do so would obliterate any sense of my sanity that remains. 

She is toxic in my opinion.  She has left me a legacy of toxicity.  I am estranged and yet it still holds me in chains.  But I am going to cut myself free, and I will walk free in time.  It's a corridor that has some solitary and dark places, but there's light at the end of it, and I'm keen to see light and breathe air that is free of toxins.

Phew, I'm not censoring myself now - and I realise I've written some weird stuff there, but I'm writing as things come to my mind, and that's free-ing in itself.

I feel a bit better actually - that sense of angst inside has lessened.  It's like I've heard the strong emotions, and I've allowed them to ebb and flow, rather than try to quash them and hide from view.  I am weathering them, and waxing and waning with them, and whilst it hurts and is painful sometimes, I'm still strong and still riding through the waves.

That brings to mind past dreams where I was on a boat with lots of rubbish around me - suddenly I had the image of being in the sea in stormy waves, but I thought that there's likely to be a safe island nearby, and I really feel I'll reach it, and I'll be ok.

I am ok.

I feel upset again, it is like 'waves'.  Interesting to experience this in this moment.  I'm going to go and make a cup of tea.  I might do the Tapping app - and try to release some more of the emotion that way.

Hope 

[Armadillo]

Thanks for sharing that Hope. My nights feel similar and those body sensations can be disturbing. I think you are doing a great job of pushing thru the censorship and riding the waves.

[Jazzy]

Sounds like you have a lot of emotions trying to get out right now Hope. It's okay if you are still censoring yourself somewhat, it takes time and effort to work through everything. I'm happy to see it got easier, and better towards the end though, that sounds like good improvement!

I'm sorry to hear your M is turning back to you now that her "other" is gone from her life. What you said about her being toxic makes sense. It sounds like she always needs someone to latch on to. I hope you do well at keeping up some healthy boundaries!

"Riding the waves" is a beautiful image, thank you for sharing that.

[sanmagic7]

Right now, I am actually feeling a bit tearful and upset, and wondering what has triggered that feeling at this moment.  Maybe it's the grief that my emotions were numbed, and dissociated from, for so many years - living life without realising the impact of my early childhood traumas.  Carrying them, stuffing them down, and splitting off and compartmentalising different emotions that weren't acceptable or supported.

when i read this, hope, (sorry it's been so long), my heart wanted to cry.  i could have written these words verbatim (by the by, i get the struggles with using some of the options for writing here.  i didn't know how to put what you wrote into quotes.  but, you get it.)

anyway, living life w/o realizing the impact of early traumas, and i can add, any and all of my traumas throughout my life, has been difficult to cope with mentally and emotionally when i've finally gotten to know what this has been all about.  grief - yes, definitely.  so many gallons of grief. 

i also give you a lot of credit for writing 'shame'.  the idea that you recognize that now is a huge accomplishment.  perhaps one day you'll be able to write about another little piece of what you've gone thru, but every piece counts.  well done, hope!  keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

I'm quoting from and responding to your long post of 26th April, Hope. You put in a ***TW*** so I've put that back in, since I don't want to trigger you with anything I write.

Now, she turns in my direction because she no longer has her life-partner, and looks and experts my obedience as her doting daughter, and I can see her vitriol - and lack of compassion and any sense of love towards me - hence, I know I cannot turn towards her, and meet her needs, because to do so would obliterate any sense of my sanity that remains. 

She is toxic in my opinion.  She has left me a legacy of toxicity.  I am estranged and yet it still holds me in chains.  But I am going to cut myself free, and I will walk free in time.  It's a corridor that has some solitary and dark places, but there's light at the end of it, and I'm keen to see light and breathe air that is free of toxins.

There is so much clarity and strength in what you write here, Hope! You have made such huge progress since being here on the forum. I hope you are feeling a little stronger than you were last week. I can imagine it is painful to have this clarity about your M but I hope the sense of needing to preserve your own sanity wins and helps ease the pain. 

[Not Alone]

But I am going to cut myself free, and I will walk free in time.  It's a corridor that has some solitary and dark places, but there's light at the end of it, and I'm keen to see light and breathe air that is free of toxins.

Hope, I thought this was absolutely beautiful. 

[Hope67]

Dear Armadillo, Jazzy, Sanmagic, Blueberry & Notalone,

I am keen to reply to each of you - and I will do so, but I can't right at this moment, because just reading what you were saying, I feel very emotional - I think my 'attached part' really finds it very emotional.

Interesting, my emotion has gone out of the room, almost immediately - I think I can reply.  I'll try to give it a go.  That ebb and flow of emotion, it's palpable.

Armadillo  Thank you for what you said - I have read some of  your journal entries, and noticed that you'd had experiences that sounded very similar to some that I had felt - I had wanted to say that in your journal, but I'm always a bit tentative sometimes - so I hadn't done that.  But I wanted to send you a hug, if you're ok to have one of those 

Jazzy  Thanks to you, I'm using the 'bold' category and have the freedoms to use the other functions - it was like I was 'stuck' before, and now I see how to do it, it is so easy!!!  I am keeping my boundaries, re: my M.  I remain estranged.  I can't afford to relax that particular boundary.  I need to preserve my sanity.  Thank you for your support.     Here's to 'riding the waves' 

SanMagic  It's so lovely to hear from you - I've missed you!     You spoke of 'gallons of grief' - that is very descriptive and I am so sorry that you, me, and others have had to handle those things.  But it definitely makes us 'human' - I am sending you a big hug, as I know you like those!   

Blueberry Thank you so much for your validation and your support - I am feeling stronger now than I was last week.  You're right that it was painful to have that clarity re: my M, but yes, the need to preserve my sanity does help to ease that pain.  Thank you so much for those hugs, and sending them also for you 

Notalone Thank you so much.  I read that back and I also like the scene - I hope that at the end of the corridor I reach a space like the 'Secret Garden' and meet up with lots of folk - all of you, Woodsgnome, Sceal, Deep Blue, ThreeRoses, Sharp and Blunt, Elpha, Tee, and lots more people I've forgotten to mention, but who are no less in my thoughts,  and others who all 'get it' and understand.   We are 'not alone'   

**********
4th May 2021
There is a part of me who feels some 'anguish' and emotion right now.  I think it's the acknowledgement of the emotional aspects that actually hurt - make me feel like crying.  But it's a mixture of emotions, I feel also hopeful and yet I also feel sick in the pit of my stomach.  I realise there's a lot of emotions.  Different parts of me are all experiencing this.

I wrote in another part of the forum about the book I'm currently reading:

"Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Interventions for Trauma and Attachment" by Pat Ogden and Janina Fisher.

I love Janina Fisher, I think she's amazing.  I'm impressed by the book so far.  I have however noticed that it very much depends on how different parts of me are feeling as to whether I can actually 'read' the book - and sometimes I can't even find it, as I feel that a part has put it somewhere where I can't find it, but generally I am ok, and have been reading it.

I really hope that I'll be able to try to do some of the exercises and work-sheets in the book, when I get to them.

Hope 

[Armadillo]

Thank you, Hope. I love hugs as long as they aren't manipulative and nothing here is. 

I love Janina Fischer's book. It was hard to read because I related so so much to everything in it which was confusing for me. But she really gets it, doesn't she?

I also really relate to the flood of multiple emotions all at once and the emotions just totally disappearing like someone vacuumed them up when you looked away. I was just noticing all my emotion had left my journaling and I've turned back into a robot reciting facts.

All that to say,...I think you are doing fantastic feeling the emotions that are there as long as you can. Hug?

[sanmagic7]

mY dear hope,

a thought - i believe any time we set new boundaries, especially when we realize they're important for our sanity, there is going to be a mix of emotions.  i wouldn't doubt there's grieving going on, which always riles up emotions.  it can make us quite messy, inside and out.  please, be gentle with yourself as you navigate these unknown waters.  the boat may rock, but we won't let it sink.  sending much love and a hug full of strength.

[Blueberry]

a thought - i believe any time we set new boundaries, especially when we realize they're important for our sanity, there is going to be a mix of emotions.  i wouldn't doubt there's grieving going on, which always riles up emotions.  it can make us quite messy, inside and out.  please, be gentle with yourself as you navigate these unknown waters.  the boat may rock, but we won't let it sink. 

 

[Hope67]

Hi Armadillo - Yes, I think Janina Fisher really does get it.  I'm glad you've found one of her books helpful.  Which one have you read, if you don't mind my asking?  She's written about 3 that I know of so far, and I think they are really good. 

I appreciate what you said about my tolerating feeling more - I think I am, and perhaps dissociating less than I used to do.  Thank you for the hug too, I appreciate it 

Hi SanMagic - I recognise the 'mix of emotions' you mentioned with the setting of a new boundary, and also your point about grieving.  It's valid and it's definitely descriptive of what I've been experiencing.  'Messy, inside and out' - yes, I relate to that!   I have taken on board your suggestion to be 'gentle' with myself - and I really love what you said 'the boat may rock' but that 'we won't let it sink' - that is so touching emotionally to my inner most soul - thank you.   

Hi Blueberry,
I'm grateful to you for highlighting SanMagic's words - they really help.   

************
7th May 2021
I had quite a tough couple of days - because my emotions were 'up and down' and I recognised different parts of myself were 'acting out' - and I had a few issues I needed to talk through, and I felt physically sick when I was doing that.  It was really difficult, BUT I have got through it.  I'm not writing the details, or who the issues were between, as I don't want to rock my emotions up again - I am feeling calmer and I am feeling ok, and infact I feel pleased that I've managed to cope - it feels as if I've really achieved something, I feel stronger as a result of it.

Hope 

[Armadillo]

This is such a beautiful thing that you wrote....you had a tough couple days, you coped, you are pleased with yourself, AND now you are taking care of yourself by not going into details.   

The book I read by Janina Fischer was "The fragmented selves of trauma survivors" and it helped me understand myself SO much. I could not believe how much I related to all of it and it explained so many of my behaviors in a way that made sense. Now I HAVE to go find her other books as I didn't think to see what else she has written. What's your favorite?