Not Alone: 2021

[Not Alone]

Thank you to each of you who read and responded. I'm not able to address each of you right now, but please know that I appreciate your comments and care.


I applied for a FT job yesterday. I say that in a simple sentence, but the application and process was extensive and took me many hours to complete.  I think that this will be a job that I will enjoy with somewhat minimal stress. Of course all is unknown.

My husband had committed to working until the end of the year so that we have insurance. He has since said things that make me not trust his commitment. The thought of finding a FT job and working that many hours is beyond overwhelming.

The job I applied to would start at the end of the summer, I think, so if I wait until December it is unlikely I could get this type of job. I also wonder if being proactive, instead of H's retirement hanging over my head, would be better for me.

Struggled today. I've been feeling the chasm in my chest of aloneness. Yesterday in session I told something to T that I thought he would get. He wasn't on the same page about it, so that hurt and increased my feeling of alone.

I made myself go for a walk. It's sunny, but chilly. Glad I did that. Managed to go to grocery store.

This afternoon I crashed. I was feeling the aloneness. I curled up on my bed and put my hood on my head. Was in and out of sleep and felt the waves of fear regarding new client tomorrow and applying for a job. Couldn't get up for a couple of hours. Once I got up I didn't feel great, but no longer felt like I was drowning. My head is above the water for the moment.

[Blueberry]

I hear you and I think you're doing great, all things considered. You got up e.g. after a few hours (not after a few days); you applied for a FT job. It took you hours, but you got it done! It would take me hours but I wouldn't get it done. I know from experience.

So kudos to you for keeping going! 

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Blueberry. Your encouragement means a lot to me. 

[Armadillo]

It's really hard to pull our head up and get out when we are feeling knocked about by the waves and drowning. You did it. That's big. 

Great job on the application! That type of thing takes me so many hours. Shoot just finding a password takes me hours and meltdowns. Stuff is HARD!

I'm sorry therapy made you feel alone, and maybe miunderstood. That's sad. I hope the feeling of aloneness lifts soon. In the meantime...give some to me! I want peace and aloneness!!! 

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Armadillo.


New client went well today. That is a relief.  Nothing yet on job that I applied for.

[Jazzy]

I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling alone. I hope you feel better soon. Well done with the job application, and all your other recent accomplishments.

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Jazzy. Really appreciate your empathy and encouragement.

[sanmagic7]

i, too, am sorry for your feelings of aloneness.  i hope that can get resolved.  it's no fun at all. 

i'm glad your new client went well.  good luck on the job front.  we're here for you as best we can be.  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

Another xanax and Netflix binge weekend.  Very hard not to spiral into self condemnation.  Just re-read text message from a friend who knows what I dealt with in therapy. She said it takes a lot out of you and to be kind to myself. Not doing well, but not drowning. So tired of just existing being so hard.

[Blueberry]

notalone, I'm supporting you in your Netflix binge weekend. I'm sure you need it. Otherwise you would do something else. Today for the first time in daaaaays I actually sat in front of my FurBabies home, watching them and talking to them (which they and I all enjoy). Why wasn't I doing that in the past 10 days instead of zoning out? Because I didn't have the wherewithal for even that. So I imagine something similar might be going on for you. I liked the way a mbr on here recently suggested your Netflixing was a reward for all the steps you had been making. 

[Armadillo]

You have a good friend, there, it sounds like and I am proud of you for taking care of yourself and relaxing. You'll have energy soon enough. But forcing yourself to be productive when you are depleted will make you...more depleted. So much easier to support others than take our own advice! 

[Jazzy]

Notalone, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling overwhelmed and upset and discouraged. Those feelings are very understandable though, you're dealing with a lot! It's great that you're looking after yourself, and not just pushing yourself in to a breakdown. I wonder if its at all possible to reduce some of the stress in your life? I found that stressful things were so extremely difficult while suffering from a stress disorder!

You're doing great! Keep up the good work, even when that good work is watching Netflix!

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone,
I wanted to add a supportive hug, if that's ok    I have been also watching Netflix, I tend to try to watch a film from there every day.  But I don't always find something.  I digress, what I was wanting to say was that I hope that you don't be hard on yourself for enjoying some relaxation time, and watching films like that - I agree with your friend that you've been doing such a lot in your therapy, and that is (I would imagine) very draining and taking a lot to do that.  So you deserve some time to do whatever you want to do.

I hope you don't mind my saying that.
Hope 

[Not Alone]

I tried to write earlier and couldn't.

Trauma work has been really tough, which is why I haven't posted in a couple of weeks. Thank you Blueberry, Armadillo, Jazzy and Hope for your comments. I did read those and felt your support. I feel pressure about how I should be functioning. Your understanding and permission helps.

I've been working on revamping my resume, gearing it toward the career I had previous to possible full time job. I find it really overwhelming so I've been working on little bits at a time. Today's task left me completely overwhelmed. I could only come up with two bullet points for a job that I did well for many years. I couldn't think. Couldn't not come up with thoughts or words. After sitting, mostly frozen, for awhile, I decided that persevering at that time was pointless. I put it away, took a xanax, and am back to Netflix. I hope that when I go back to it tomorrow, I will be able to think.

Part of the frozen, is the terror of having to get a full time job. I'm trying to not focus on that and just do one little bit at a time. However, the terror is always there; sometimes closer than others.

Trying to keep the panic and the "I can't!" at bay. The xanax is helping, but I feel it around the edges.

Thanks for being here, friends. I know you understand being hijacked when trying to do a task.

[Armadillo]

It sounds smart to take a break and just do one little bit here and there. Do you have someone who knows you well who can help you?

I can totally understand why applying for a fulltime job feels overwhelming. Even though I work more hours than I am paid I choose to be part time myself.