dollyvee's recovery journal

[dollyvee]

Thanks Larry - I only managed the walk. Hope you enjoyed it though! I know it does make me feel better

This is what I'd written before but this stuff is hard to talk about for various reasons ie that my reaction was so intense  and seemed way off base and that I'm concerned what peoples' reactions would be. Maybe it has something to do with a previous therapist telling me I might have a tiny bit of histrionic or borderline. I feel like there's a history of people telling me what is wrong etc with me that doesn't seemed to fit or account for all my "inner world." The other thing, which I originally left out, was that I had a dream a few nights before the job where I was speaking to Gwyneth Paltrow about this guy she was having problems with who did "x" profession and I told her that I also had a negative experience with him. I didn't think anything about it until this guy was at work, who does "x" profession, and our experience before was maybe a little negative (at least for my fears) too. I didn't remember the dream or place it until after I felt so emotional at work. Dreams are a big part of my life and I don't really like sharing it because (from experience) most people think it's odd or strange, or don't really know what to do with it. Or they make it out to be something special when anyone has access to this, it's just a matter of peeling back the layers. I think it kind of highlights and shows me what is going on and that I'm on the "right" path.

I was at work with someone that I'd had "vibes" with before, someone who seemed romantically interested and I felt attracted to this person as well. Going back to what happened when I watched the Goop documentary, it's like a part shuts down these feelings related to sex. It happened in university, I never wanted to date around and became overly serious right away, concerned with people just wanting to have sex with me and leave. I understand how this trauma could related to my mom, but I also feel like it's out of context or seems too extreme? I feel like this idea should be out of place now as well a bit more, that I know about dating, have better boundaries and can say what feels comfortable and what doesn't, and that I feel like there's ok people out there, but it's a really strong reaction. Maybe I feel like I can't have space being around someone, that no matter what I say, I'll be taken over?
*funnily enough, I don't think I placed the dream before writing about the Goop documentary. So, maybe it is more related to old stuff than what this person is like.

I in no way want to be that "crazy jealous girl," and intellectually I think I have self awareness enough to know what's appropriate behaviour, but it gets lost emotionally. I don't know what is going on, so I stay separate which brings up a lot of sadness and tears. It really feels like it should have no basis in my life or what I've known, I don't know how to describe it. I can see this in my m and gm and maybe it's a legacy burden. I'd seen both my mom and gm "act up" around people leaving, my mother with her father and me, and I came across letters my grandmother had written to my grandfather about her leaving him when she got of a certain age (he never did and was just as jealous of my gm cheating on him which she never did - my family  )

Anyways, there were tears on the drive home last night. Maybe I'm avoiding a person that wouldn't be good for me, or maybe who would be? This is where my discernment gets a little lost. I feel out of place for what an extreme reaction it is to someone that I've only worked with and connected with a few times. (I know all the adages as well about work and dating - welcome to the wonderful  boundaryless work environment I have; it's a minefield. I guess it's something that I could be fixing as well, or is maybe what's activating this?). I think it just takes time to sort through all the information coming in. I have been feeling like this with dating as well, that I've been speaking to people recently and then it feels like it gets too much emotionally, so I bow out. It's not great.

Tw~

So I woke up with a voice in my head this morning that said people paid to have sex with me by the twos while my sister watched. I don't have a sister and there's no memory of any csa that I can recall. I think my mom had an experience (maybe my grandmother?) and maybe I'm carrying this? My mom was also an only child and I think it was only one person. I would pass this off as an odd dream (maybe fears surfacing) but what sticks with me is that someone else mentioned csa to me years ago when I had my cards read once and recommended The Courage to Heal, which I did read and tried to analyze why would she have that impression? I could've went back and asked her but I didn't. I also had a dream 20 years ago (when I was in university and should have been in my "experimental phase" that had to do with two men, sex, and what felt like a "dark vibe." I don't think this was just some subconscious fantasy surfacing? Is it something more general like people taking something from me if I'm with them which has come up recently? I thought it was interesting following the experience yesterday and is something that I think has been around for years but have never had an answer for. I don't even know how to write this stuff and I know there is a lot of people it affects in a much more profound way.


Tw end ~

This feels like an erratic post. I don't know if I'm catastrophizing or working out some anxiety but this reaction/feeling has been around a long time. So far I've "managed" it but I hope it's time to integrate it or let it go.

[dollyvee]

So I'm rereading this post and can see that maybe it's so long is because I'm trying to explain everything to hide that it feels really vulnerable to put something out there that's a part of me. I think this is the part that had to hide those things around my sf at that time. It's hard to talk about this stuff but I'm realizing that it is a big part of me.

Reading more about people who are sensitive/empathetic and take on others' emotions and I think it sounds fitting for what happens with around me.

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I appreciate your vulnerability and what you offered here. 

[Larry]

 

[dollyvee]

Thanks rainy & Larry 

Working a lot the past week, last two days have been challenging. Working with someone who recognizes that I get "bullied" and tries to push my buttons. Yet people think this person is nice, lovely. I'm trying to step back and be professional and not engage; just do my job.

One thing that stuck out in the Judith Orloff book was when she talked about getting "hooked" by certain things. This is the law of attraction that I always sort of felt was there but didn't know how to look at it without seeing myself as a victim or wrapped up in the pain, or setting up a "fight" dynamic which is so familiar and how I protected myself when I was younger. I can see it now that I look to other people to step in and intervene. (By all means yes they should, there should be a framework in place to protect people at work and basic rights around gender, visibility etc.) But how do you get people to intervene when they don't see a problem - I can go into statistics and show there is a problem but rant aside.

Long quote but I think it's great:
"(talking about empathy)...the qualities I absorbed from other people were the ones I wasn't clear about in myself. Take anger for instance, which sometimes creeps up unnoticed, or may simmer just below the surface. I remain oblivious for too long, my psychic empathy kicks in full force. Then I not only sense other peoples' anger more keenly, but I also attract it. Everyone around me is now angry about something, and the negativity registers in me. But once I resolved to look at the source of my anger, the "hook" is gone.

I wonder if what the "bullies" at work are picking up is my anxiety over control and being boxed in and therefore they try to do that. Or if I haven't resolved feeling good about myself/ vulnerable and they go straight for that. Maybe it's my need to "win" which wan't actually winning but surviving at that age. I don't want to give these people my time or energy.  It's not worth it. I'm just not sure yet how to go about this. I did feel better "stronger" for acknowledging my vulnerable part; that theit behaviour was distanced from it and that I could protect it in a way. It's like there's a constant testing of my boundaries tho and my resolve gets weakened. I guess it's helpful to see that's what they're doing - testing boundaries and now I have some 

[dollyvee]

What's interesting or coming up from this is how much I felt alone during those times growing up when things like this would happen. I guess it's also isolation. This thought popped into my head after the past couple days and there's an awareness of past behaviour of wanting to isolate and feel "bad" about myself, but there's more distance to this now I think. More space to sort out what's going on and not take on everyone's reactions to me.

But there's also some reaction to it, to be upset with people who I feel treated me badly or be hyper aware of their reactions to me and not feel safe.

[dollyvee]

Ah bingo: *from Judith Orloff's Empath Survival Guide

(I took a screenshot because I was to lazy to type it out  but here it is) emphasis mine:

"Childhood neglect or abuse can also affect sensitivity levels for adults. A portion of empaths I've treated have experienced early trauma such as emotional or physical abuse, or were raised by alcoholic, depressed, or narcissistic parents. This could potentially wear down the usual healthy defences that a child with nurturing parents develops. As a result of their upbringing, the children typically don't feel "seen" by their families, and they feel invisible in the greater world that doesn't value sensitivities. In all cases, however, empaths haven't learned to defend against stress in the same way others have. "

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I appreciate your observations and how you are finding application of the things you are learning.  I wish you the best as you navigate this work situation. 

[dollyvee]

Thank you rainy - I hope you're feeling better too.

[dollyvee]

My journal is kind of like a sketchbook where I work out ideas about what's going on. So, bear with me if I ramble.

Spoke with T yesterday about sensitive/empath stuff which she didn't seem too on board with - maybe cautious. I can see where she's coming from as it does seem a bit general. I will explain things further but it's a block for me to talk about this stuff without feeling like people will explain it away. I've been on the other side, trying to explain it away and thinking it's coincidence. A lot of my life I wanted to just fit in and have a normal life, or questioning what was wrong with me that I wasn't normal. So, if anything came up outside of that, I would push it down. I also don't want to just make this idea fit. I'll test it out a bit.

Had a lightbulb moment reading the Empath's Survival Guide when she was discussing relationship empaths and commitment, and how subconsciously a lot of RE choose unavailable people so that they don't have to deal with the intensity of intimacy and feeling a lot of their partner's emotions/stresses (and trying to sort them out). All I choose are unavailable people. At the bottom of it, there's a feeling of wanting freedom for myself and a relationship that doesn't encroach on my emotional life. I remember telling a friend while I was dating my ex-boyfriend that it feels like it's going to engulf me (or something like that). Her reaction was that she never felt like that. I thought it must be me - was it commitment issues or something messed up from my family? What if the reaction to the guy at work (and the SA dream afterwards) was an expression  of this? My fears of being swallowed up and having the worst happen in a relationship because it feels like annihilation when someone is too close? Maybe because I've never been able to express my needs of what's actually going on inside? This along with the feeling that I needed to be in a relationship, that it's the normal thing that people do.

If this is it or not, I think not knowing my needs has been an issue. Not having a connection to what's going on inside me that has been suppressed for so long because I had to give it up to other people like my mom and gm to make them happy. I can see how this would bring up such intense reactions in me. Can also maybe see around the fear of leaving as well as I depended on them for survival?

[Armee]

If this is it or not, I think not knowing my needs has been an issue. Not having a connection to what's going on inside me that has been suppressed for so long because I had to give it up to other people like my mom and gm to make them happy. I can see how this would bring up such intense reactions in me. Can also maybe see around the fear of leaving as well as I depended on them for survival?

This seems like the really important part, Dollyvee. I know for me I like to try to find a label that will explain it all but that's less important than identifying the problematic symptoms and working on them. I bet you are an empath, and if using that as a way to label your reactions helps you understand yourself then that seems valuable. And at least it's a positive label instead of a negative one. 

[dollyvee]

Thank you Armee - I think for the kids in NPD families there's an inherent aversion to any kind of labels because they set us apart. Who am I to say this about myself?

Thinking about reaction to guy at work and dream etc. It could be that it was a warning or something coming up that the situation wouldn't be good for me, but maybe now I'm realizing why I choose those types of relationships and I can sit with it a bit. It's not something *wrong* with me for not pursuing this person, my picking system is not faulty. It doesn't say anything about me that I'm not attuned to someone who's "good on paper." I can see in the past where I would have gone with it - that it has something to do with my family, that I'm not this perfect person from this perfect family etc and that's why someone doesn't want to be with me etc.

I'm not sure about the line between warning and that intense feeling (my fears I guess). I've been on a date (well one where I specifically noticed it) where I felt like I was dissociating when opening up with someone or getting to know them. I guess it's about going slow and knowing your limits. I felt more conscious of my limits with this guy at work and that I could see what might be an issue. I guess I need to heed those and not think there's anything *wrong* with doing so. There's a lot around what I think people will want/don't want. Maybe this has been formed over years by experience but maybe also fears

[rainydiary]

Dolly, what you share about limits versus fears resonates with me.  I have been exploring a similar wondering my own experience too.  I appreciate the questions and noticings you offer up. 

[dollyvee]

Thanks rainy  I feel like I'm noticing a lot right of fear around putting myself out "there." For years, I felt like I didn't have a "self;" that I didn't know what I felt/wanted and that I was somehow empty. Maybe it's about uncovering what is there under the fear that's there from growing up - that I actually do have a self, it was just disregarded for so long. I know I'm sensitive to rejection too and can see how this would tie in. I would hide myself my family because they would reject it. I think knowing/establishing boundaries are helping with this.

[Armee]

I too am struggling with trying to figure out who I am. It used to be "kind" and "giving" but those are symptoms, not me. Good luck finding yourself!