Owl's journal

[sanmagic7]

hey, owl, i've been where you are many times, so i can truly relate.  it's soul crushing at times.  one thing i've been doing w/ my t is going forward in small, sometimes even smaller steps.  that a t would do what was done to you is a shame on the profession (being a therapist myself, i cringe when i hear of such things happening).  hopefully, this new t will be someone who will listen and remember, and allow you to follow the path best for you.  a t needs to be a guide, not a commander.  you have the first and final say on your therapy, and the t needs to respect that and help you get to where you're going, putting your own welfare first, always.  Always!

sending love and a hug filled with encouragement and hope.

[Not Alone]

It's unfortunately going to take time to work with all these parts, and that feels discouraging. Feeling overwhelmed by how much there is that needs to be worked with.

I sure understand those thoughts and feelings, Owl. I feel the same way sometimes. I try not to get too far ahead because it can be discouraging.

[dollyvee]

Thanks dollyvee, I wouldn't have thought to connect guilt to an inner critic. I do recognize that it's a part and a coping mechanism. It's unfortunately going to take time to work with all these parts, and that feels discouraging. Feeling overwhelmed by how much there is that needs to be worked with.

I understand and relate  I have so many parts it seems with more coming up the more I do IFS. It might not be similar at all, but I found myself reluctant to do the exercises in the book and Earley suggested to do an IFS on the procrastination, which I did, and which seemed to unlock a lot of buried trauma. Perhaps it might be similar with the guilt or overwhelm? To confront the guilt/ overwhelm head on and see what is underneath you feeling that way. By no means advice as these things are difficult to process and everyone has their own path.

My T also suggested a map of parts (or to imagine them sitting at a table) which was kind of helpful to me just to put it down.

[owl25]

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I've been away for quite a while, I'm sorry for not responding, I was very overwhelmed and needed to take care of myself.

I am very happy to say I am starting to be in a better place now. My new IFS therapist has turned out to be the right fit for me. The difference is amazing. After every session now things just feel calmer and settled within myself. Parts feel seen and heard, and I feel peace within me (it feels like heaven!). As the week goes by, things get unsettled again, but then the next session comes and even if there are tears afterwards, eventually things settle.

My new therapist is really skilled at IFS and I am so relieved. It's like she gets something that all the other people I have seen somehow didn't and weren't able to see. It feels like she's done a lot of her own work because nothing phases her, she's very centered in Self and there is something very calming about that. The calmness and the genuine curiosity are really healing.

She sees me and is helping me work on seeing myself. I have various parts that seem to believe they are by themselves and that there's no one else there. They don't recognize me (Self) and don't know that I or other parts are there. It's so bizarre to know this, that these parts are supposed to know I am there too and don't. I am quite literally disconnected from myself. I can't imagine what it's going to feel like when the connection in the other direction is going to be made, although I imagine I will start to feel whole rather than empty. Something tells me it will be unlike anything I've ever felt before. I've had glimpses of feeling whole, but it's been a really long time since the last glimpse.

I am starting to connect with other people more as well and it's very much needed. I made a new friend who's able to connect with me regularly and takes the initiative, which helps a lot. She checks in with me to see how I am and it's making a world of difference to have another person to talk to if I need it in that moment.

I think the darkness is starting to lift. I know there will still be moments of despair and things are still challenging, but I can see it won't be like this forever. IFS has really helped me recognize what parts that previously really frustrated and upset me have been trying to do for me, and I feel such gratitude for them. I was so angry with myself for not functioning better, but I really appreciate now that parts were trying to help protect me from the pain and distress by forcing me to rest and distracting me with tv or online. I'm still doing some of that behaviour, but I don't beat myself up over it anymore. I know to my core that this will resolve itself in time, that as I work with my T on things that these parts will no longer have to do this for me because the pain will be attended to. The anger towards myself for not doing or being better has been replaced with compassion, gratitude and confidence that it won't be like this forever. I accept  that I am where I am, and it feels truly okay.

I'm glad to be able to share this here

[woodsgnome]

  It's so good to have read this, Owl25. So many times we get our hopes up, only to see it fall apart. So it's welcome news to see the new encouragement you're finding with this T's approach.

The other part, though, is always you. And you realize that even with the potential hazards of walking this path, you are beginning to find that elusive self-compassion to help, too. Given that attitudinal shift, plus your T's support, you may finally be opening the door towards the healing you deserve.

There's yet a third element -- those on this forum pulling for you. 

[Alter-eg0]

That's great Owl, awesome to hear!

[Not Alone]

Parts feel seen and heard, and I feel peace within me (it feels like heaven!). As the week goes by, things get unsettled again, but then the next session comes and even if there are tears afterwards, eventually things settle.

My new therapist is really skilled at IFS and I am so relieved. It's like she gets something that all the other people I have seen somehow didn't and weren't able to see. It feels like she's done a lot of her own work because nothing phases her, she's very centered in Self and there is something very calming about that. The calmness and the genuine curiosity are really healing.

Wow! Wow! Wow!    It is a huge thing for you and your Parts to feel seen and heard.

[dollyvee]

This is great news Owl !! 

I too, have a part that is closed off and doesn't seem to know I'm there. I hope you find a way to communicate with those parts 

[owl25]

Thank you woodsgnome, Alter-eg0, notalone, and dollyvee

[Blue Rose]

The anger towards myself for not doing or being better has been replaced with compassion, gratitude and confidence that it won't be like this forever.

This sounds really important, Owl. I like the combination of compassion, gratitude and confidence.

[owl25]

Thank you Blue Rose

I can hardly believe the difference in myself right now. Two months ago I was still in agony. New supports became available to me and I felt ready and able to make use of those supports. I continue to meet with my IFS counsellor every week and things are starting to gel a bit around the IFS work. My whole system seems to have calmed down overall. The last two weeks especially I have been feeling much better, and the last two or three sessions there was marked progress. All the acute pain and grief around my mother is settling down. I'm even feeling like maybe I don't have complex trauma anymore, because the triggers have been very few and far between. I do still have a lot of wounds, and I know there's still a degree of avoidance happening, but all that is ok. I'm no longer in crisis, after years of being in a really bad place.

It's really hard to believe the peace and calm I am experiencing. There is still so much work left to do, but it doesn't feel anywhere near as overwhelming as it did when I first started with this counsellor. I thought it would take at least a year before experiencing the amount of relief that I have right now. It just feels like the distress is starting to melt away. I'm starting to get the hang of IFS a little bit, things are starting to click some on how to work with parts, and that's really exciting.

I am so relieved to no longer be living in a state of desperation. This feels like solid, gradual, positive change. I need real life support, parts need to be witnessed, and it all seems so simple.. what is needed to heal is simple, but finding it isn't easy at all.

[Alter-eg0]

SO glad to hear you're doing better, Owl!

[woodsgnome]

Just want to add my own  and  to what's helping you see the light again. May you continue to do well with it.

[Not Alone]

I'm no longer in crisis, after years of being in a really bad place.

I feel a big sigh of relief for you, joy, and yahoo!   

[Hope67]

Hi Owl,
It's lovely to read your update on your progress in your counselling - I hope it continues to go well. 

Hope