Owl's journal

[Snowdrop]

You're doing brilliantly, Owl.  ,  .

You've spoken about Self sometimes feeling outside you. There's a section in No Bad Parts that talks about the Big Self. Sometimes I'm in my Self, and have an awareness of this Big Self too. I don't know if this is the same thing, but I thought I'd mention it in case it is or it's helpful.

[owl25]

BeeKeeper, I love that this is so helpful to you! I am a detail oriented person too. It's hard to zoom out and get a bigger picture, when we're so zoomed in and close to the ground all the time. Maybe this is an approach you can use professionally as well? Write down all the details in bullet points, and then review from a higher ground, so to speak. I am glad I've given you a different perspective 

Snowdrop, thanks! I am making such progress, I'm very happy Thank you for sharing about Big Self, I have not heard of this before. It's so bizarre to me how when I am in Self, it feels it is me, but when I am blended with a part, that feels like it's me instead. This outside Self does feel a bit different/separate from me though. I'm not sure if it truly is, or if it just feels that way because I am wholly blended with a part and this part feels too separate from the rest of me.

I'm just wondering, are you saying that when you are in Self, you can sense this Big Self at the same time? Or just that in general you know of this Big Self?

--

I'm catching up on my parts timeline this evening, and there's a part that can't be bothered, but is allowing it because it knows it's important to track. I have been writing up the details from connecting with parts at the start of the week. I had promised a couple of parts I would do a daily check-in first thing in the morning, but that's been a bit hard to do because I usually don't feel good when I wake up. It takes a while wake up enough and for the brain fog to lift, and by the time I do that, it's time to start work. That, in combination with this part not wanting to be bothered, has caused me to stray a bit from the original promise. I have still checked in at some point every day, but not always right away. Revisiting these details is reminding me of what I promised and that I've not quite done it in the way I said I would. A part feels guilty about this, as it knows I'm not supposed to break promises to parts. The can't-be-bothered part has been around this week and it's influenced keeping me from following up. Part of it is also just being quite tired, which always seems to be an issue because of parts avoiding going to sleep on time at night. Another part is feeling worried I've broken my word, and am not doing a very good job of being there for the parts that need me because I'm not managing to do it first thing.

I'm very tired this evening so I can't really work with these parts right now, but having written the timeline is a very good reminder. I hope that I'll be able to re-focus my efforts to continue to check in with the morning parts.

[owl25]

I have just finished updating my timeline for 3 different days from this week. I cannot believe how much came up in each individual session, there is so much there. I am not surprised I half forgot most of it, until I went back to it. It's a lot of information to absorb and try to integrate and remember.

A part is exhausted. Another is glad I finished it tonight. Another has decided I should just type things up as I do sessions that are by myself, rather than on paper first and then switching afterwards. Some details aren't clear anymore because of the delay.

Our inner lives are way more complex and detailed than I realized. I think I better understand the part that can't be bothered and feels tired at the thought of checking in with other parts. It also in part doesn't want to deal with some of the wounds that will come up, which is very understandable.

I feel such appreciation for all my parts.

[Snowdrop]

I'm just wondering, are you saying that when you are in Self, you can sense this Big Self at the same time? Or just that in general you know of this Big Self?

When I'm in Self, I can sense a Big Self. I hadn't read about it in those terms before. The book also phrases it as a larger field of Self, which you can connect to when you're in Self.

[owl25]

Thank you for clarifying, Snowdrop.

--

Today is a difficult day. Things have been going well, so I'm actually not used to this anymore. I had a part that was feeling panicked about what was lurking under the surface (another part of me feeling quite depressed) and it wanted to distract, run, and avoid. I was able to calm this part down. Whatever it is that's going on for the part that was feeling really bad, I would be able to handle it. When I connected with this part that's feeling so bad, it shared what made it feel that way. I'm still feeling quite depressed right now, but the difference is I know why and am able to acknowledge the feelings. It allows me to accept those feelings. In the past I wouldn't know why I was having a bad day, and I would try to fight it and get upset with how bad I was feeling.

I'm feeling pretty bad right now. Even though I know what the trouble is for this part, it kind of feels like it might be the tip of the iceberg. I'm feeling drained and have bad headache, so I don't feel like I'm in a space to go any deeper with this. I'm allowing myself to just be, even if it doesn't feel good. I'm really sad and wish I could change some of the past. I'm glad that I am able to have some self-compassion and that I know I need to go easy on myself today, I need some love and care. Today is a day of putting  no expectations on myself. I'm looking after myself, and being kind to myself is what I need right now.

A part of me dreads the remaining pain and hurt that I carry.

[Armee]

 

[sanmagic7]

 

[owl25]

Thank you Armee and sanmagic 

--

Part of feeling so bad yesterday was that I was sick. I didn't even realize it until I noticed I was too warm, and when I took off a layer, I had chills. It's hard to recognize when I'm sick because of how awful I felt emotionally for so long.

Feeling much better physically today, but woke up feeling quite anxious again. This would be my 3 year old part that tends to be present when I wake up. As usual, there is also another part that doesn't like how this feels, and it's avoiding and trying to ignore the anxiety. I then consider trying a bit of IFS/trying to get into Self so I can help the 3 year old part, and another part immediately sends the thought "I don't know how to do this, I don't know how to help, I can't help". And I take on that belief that I don't know how to help the 3 year old. It makes me give up without even trying. I recognize this pattern, it is so familiar. I haven't been able to shift this pattern. As I am writing about this, I am feeling this stabbing pain in my ear that comes and goes. It's been there since last week. It makes for a good distraction. Part of me wants to try IFS to help parts but the belief that I won't get anywhere is pretty strong. I recognize this is a part and now I notice that another part feels quite scared of me working with the 3 year old. I do feel stuck here as I think this fear does prevent me from dealing with the source of the anxiety. It's been very pervasive and it is problematic. Waking up in fear and then having fear around the reasons for that fear is hard to deal with. It went away for a while but it's back now and I think as a result of some anniversary of a bad thing that happened. I'm anxious and would rather try to work with this with my IFS therapist, but that's another day away. I don't like ignoring parts and I don't like how I'm feeling. I'm going to try and see what the part that is so afraid of the 3 year old has to say.

[rainydiary]

Owl, I appreciate you sharing about waking up anxious.  I do too and it was helpful for me to read the idea of finding the source of the anxiety.  I am trying to find my source too. 

[BeeKeeper]

Hi Owl,

I am feeling this stabbing pain in my ear that comes and goes. It's been there since last week.

I hope that you are confident this is not a physical problem, but manifestation of your feelings. My filter is always protect your ears, so forgive me if this gets my comment and attention.

I hope you are feeling better physically, less warm, a bit more of homeostasis. It took me a long while to figure out the same thing you said:

It's hard to recognize when I'm sick because of how awful I felt emotionally for so long.

Amen.

I see your "familiar awareness" as a huge plus. Even though you can't define or resolve it, the simple attention that you are bringing to it says a lot to me. In my mind, that acknowledgment shows your willingness to embrace your entire experience. 

[owl25]

rainydiary I am glad this was helpful to you. I hope you can ask that anxious part of you questions about what it's carrying. 

Beekeeper, thank you for sharing your concern about my ear. It's really quite interesting. I think the stabbing/pulsating pain is a minor ear infection that I ended up with at the end of last week. It bothered me some on and off for a couple of days, and it wouldn't be there all the time. I really noticed it when it suddenly flared up again this morning as I was making all these observations about my parts. It had stopped hurting for the most part before that. I have listened to Richard Schwartz on IFS and pain, and he said that parts can cause a physical issue to flare up if they feel it's needed. So if you are prone to allergies, or have some other physical issue, parts can make more symptoms show up. This morning very much felt like this was happening. My ear hasn't hurt the rest of the day, although I can still feel a slight pressure inside it now that I think about it. So, I think this is a case of a minor bug being fought off, and a part decided to amp things up. Pretty clever and fascinating to observe!

I am glad you've learned to recognize being physically sick. It feels tricky to me, since being physically sick can make me not feel well emotionally as well.

--

Tonight I listened more to Greater than the sum of our parts and I am finding it very helpful. I'm not doing the meditations/exercises right away, I'm just listening so I know where things are going with a given exercise. I find it soothing to listen to this book. It's helpful in gaining a further understanding of IFS and of how to work with parts/what are helpful things to say or do. After I complete the whole book I plan to go back to the start but with the intent to take notes, there are a lot of little bits that stand out that I want to make sure I make note of and keep in mind as part of my own IFS practice.

I'm still not feeling quite like myself and still feeling off, and know it's related to this morning's parts. They've been present since Sunday. I hope my session tomorrow can help with them some. I do think some big wounds are there under the surface and part of me does feel a bit scared. I wish I could manage being in Self enough to address these kinds of things but I'm just not there yet.

[sanmagic7]

feeling off can be terrible, especially when you're not quite sure of its source.  it happens to me when i get overcome by emotions that i can't fully articulate or even recognize.  i hope for you that you are able to feel more 'on' very soon.  love and hugs

[owl25]

Thank you san

--

Feeling anxious today and just feel like hiding under the covers somewhat, I think because there is too much on the go this week. I get anxious and this makes it hard to slow down and try to do some IFS. Last week's session was very intense and a lot of painful stuff came to the surface to me. It took a lot out of me to the point that I wasn't able to document what parts came up and what they shared. One part that came up was kind of new. It didn't feel I deserved to be happy because I messed up something really important to me. My counsellor asked the part that "messed up" if it wanted to share why it did what it did and it said it was trying to make things better for me. The part that doesn't think I deserve to be happy seems to have understood this, but still is concerned about letting go some of the pain I carry.

Still feeling anxious and likely am going to just watch some Netflix as a distraction now.

[Hope67]

Hi Owl,
I know it's a couple of days since you wrote this, and I just wanted to say I hope that you found some distraction with the Netflix, and I wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok   
Hope 

[owl25]

Thank you, Hope 
--
Not doing okay right now. I am feeling really fed up with the impact the past has had on me, and really angry at how much work there is left to do.  It almost doesn't feel worth it, but I don't have much choice. Interacting with others always ends in pain getting triggered. I just want to withdraw from other people forever, and not have to interact with anyone ever again. I feel worthless and unlikeable, and annoying and weird. People don't get me. It hurts. It just feels better to avoid others. I'm seriously angry. So angry. Just another layer of the damage has become so very clear to me, and it's so very hard to undo. I don't know how to interact with other people, and I don't know how I am supposed to figure that out.