More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework

[Blueberry]

I finished!  It's so huge for me to make it through this contract that I really feel like fireworks is not an exaggeration. That really tells me how difficult and strenuous is for me. Today though I feel as if some of it went a trifle easier than normal. I was thinking about it during a break a couple of hours ago: somebody who doesn't understand cptsd especially my particular 'brand' of it might assume I'd been practising translation or Idk working on my reading comp. skills in one language and written skills in the other, but that's not the case at all. Those skills got lost somewhere in some part of my brain and I suppose there's been a little healing going on in that brain injury so that I can access a little of what I haven't been able to access for a long time. And/or learnt the skills for in my studies but could never apply them. I'm not sure how I finished my second university degree because I struggled all the way through with fuzzy brain and empty head and severe depression, although I was a lot happier than I had been in the years before (was finally in a totally different country from FOO with much less contact). Anyway not much of what I studied made a lasting impression and I wasn't able to apply much of it to my profession.

3R always reminds me, just by being here on the board that cptsd is an injury not an illness: thanks 3R   So today that suddenly made much more sense. I drowned out my ICr. reminding myself that most people (except some real negative narcs like some mbrs of my FOO) wouldn't cast disparaging remarks on somebody healing from a 'normal' traumatic brain injury. As far as I understand it, we with cptsd all also have a traumatic brain injury, only it was often caused 'only' by any form of abuse/neglect including emotional, verbal and psychological rather than a physical injury to the skull. So I'm healing bit by bit from my TBI. But it is really strenuous.

I don't feel like  more like which I could maybe do for 5 mins., then I really need to do some other work and then call it a day.

[Snowdrop]

Hooray! Hooray! Well done Blueberry!

[Hope67]

 
Well done Blueberry!!!!
Great news.   

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you! Though now when I see your fireworks I feel a little embarrassed but that's probably due to ICr.

Today I feel tired and a little sick though the latter might be to do with something I ate.    today so that's nice.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I was just thinking about how annoying ICr's can be!!!  I was thinking, good for Blueberry that she's celebrating with fireworks and dancing, and I have to admit, that I enjoyed using those fireworks etc, and was glad of the excuse to do that - alongside you. 

Glad it's sunny today with you.   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Have some  for your response, Hope 

Yes, those ICr's are definitely annoying but mine is also definitely getting smaller and quieter 

Yesterday I had therapy and my T agreed about how much progress I'm making so  are certainly called for!
I hope to write more about that particular progress later.

_________________________
Over the past 2 weeks or so it has slowly become apparent that some person is using my address and last name fraudulently for selling goods via ebay. The people pay and the goods don't turn up. This reminds me of a time about 20 years ago when I was being stalked by a strange man, I mean he was a stranger to me, though he was also definitely strange. My T agreed that I should go to the police and report it, as I did the stalking.

There are as usual a number of things I intended to do today other than going to the police that is, but it really feels as if going to the police is enough, as in the only strenuous thing of that type I can do. I'm teaching this evening and that I will manage. "That type" - what is that type? It is probably anything that will be or I think might be triggering: finally showering and washing my hair, phoning my accountant re: when is my tax return from 2018 going to be completed? I need to drop by and look through my bank statements because of ll querying the rent payments for my business and setting deadline of June 30th for me sorting it all out. There are a number of steps for me to complete by then, all potentially triggering, but this is the first. 

Even phoning to borrow the cargo bike so I can go and get the really good quality hay for Little Furries seems too much, even tho one of Little Furries needs to eat lots of hay, which she'll do if it's good quality because it smells so delectable and is less like glorified straw, easier on her little mouth. Idk why that would be triggering - oh, yes I do now as M appears in my mind...

Oh yes, now I know what else I'm signed up for today: a webinar on some aspect of teaching. This is huge for me because (1) I've never taken part in a webinar before (2) the other members of the course or at least instructor might see me and I feel like hiding, especially so if I haven't washed my hair by then and am still wearing a cloth on my head, which makes people say 'pirate!', so probably looks a little ridiculous on somebody my age (3) my hair and general appearance is triggering for me anyway - thanks so much FOO, not - (4) taking part in a webinar for the first time involves all sorts of steps on my computer and that's always very difficult for me. Tho to be encouraging to myself, I at least manage one-on-one no problem e.g. when teaching via Skype or when having my T appointments via some medical video-conferencing system, all of which is new for me and none of which I did before the advent of Covid19 and social distancing.

Yes, so no wonder everything feels like too much! What's the next easiest beneficial action I could take? (1) Make and drink my tea because fluid intake helps brain. (2) Go into garden and pick greens for Little Furries because they need breakfast and because being outside in the fresh air where all my flowers and herbs are helps with my day-to-day resilience in various ways.

[Blueberry]

What's the next easiest beneficial action I could take? (1) Make and drink my tea because fluid intake helps brain. (2) Go into garden and pick greens for Little Furries because they need breakfast and because being outside in the fresh air where all my flowers and herbs are helps with my day-to-day resilience in various ways.

I did (2) and (1) in that order. And then I got on with my day. Mostly extended bout of pet care + washing dishes, putting dry laundry away and some other tidying and cleaning. I tried to do the webinar but something went wrong with getting access. I didn't give up right away. Instead I emailed and actually got further instructions right away. Didn't pan out though and my head got all foggy so I backed out due to 'exhaustion', being easier to understand than due to EF. Earlier in the day I decided to give both the police and my tax accountant a miss till Monday. Contacting either or both today would've been on account of "should", so I decided they could wait. I did teach this evening though.

I remembered in the past not being able to do anything after translation jobs apart from in bed or on sofa whereas today certain things seemed too difficult, but I was able to get on with some other things, so that in itself is progress. I even sent out an invoice yesterday Sometimes it takes me ages to do that.

[Snowdrop]

I'm so pleased you can see the progress you're making.

[Not Alone]

I finished! 

I'm a little late, but I join in celebrating you and your accomplishment and growth.

                                             

[Blueberry]

Thank you, Snowdrop and notalone!  I've got used to seeing the fireworks now and am accepting them as not being embarrassing or OTT. But I still feel happy when I see them. I am smiling now at the thought of them.

My T said the change with my translating is a big step. Some of that I do feel. I've gone from a felt-thought of "I can't do anything" to "I'm competent and I make good decisions" and so it's much easier for me to do translation work. Not really, really easy, but easier. And again as I've always known, really, my struggles with translation and putting off getting started or continuing has nothing to do with lack of knowledge, experience or ability. Let's see if I can write out what my T said, something like: in part of my brain it's as if a switch has flicked from  "I'm useless" to "I'm competent". The switch may not necessarily be permanent (those EFs....) but it still is a form of healing and in my case a pretty huge one. I think also that in the part of my brain where the translations are done there has been some healing too or maybe suddenly some synapses in there have opened up to the growing area of "I'm competent".

My T also said there is such a thing as a combination thought-feeling or feeling-thought. I suppose it was cognitive-behavioural therapy I used to do saying to myself in various therapeutic contexts "I'm capable" etc and it didn't really make much difference. Well, yeah, because there had to be some change at a far deeper level. Now nobody has to put the words "I'm competent" in my mouth. I know them automatically, almost as if they've always been there, just covered in layers of stuff - hurt, pain, fear, ICr.

[Three Roses]

Now nobody has to put the words "I'm competent" in my mouth. I know them automatically....

[Blueberry]

Oh dear, when I see it written like that it seems a bit brazen, but I know that on here of all places I'll continue to receive support and understanding even when I drop back into EFs and have no connnection whatsoever to that feeling and thought of: I'm competent. On here I don't have to look as if I'm competent and perfect all the time.

Part of me really feels happy tonight: I've just been teaching and it went well, I got quite a few bits and pieces done today and also the huge thing of finally going over to a friend's to have a bath and wash my hair  I'm sure that makes me feel better. I also finally did get out of bed permanently around 1pm, though it was difficult. I was up at 3am and then 6am checking on one of the Little Furries to make sure he was eating since he hadn't wanted to on Sun evening, and then went back to bed both times. I got up again round about 9:30, had all my meds, made and drank tea and had my breakfast (so that's all good and makes me feel happy when I think of it), but went back to bed. I slept as well, so I presume I needed it. Maybe it was because I hardly slept Sunday because I didn't seem to need sleep. But: new thought - maybe it was because I read an email from M last night, even though the subject line indicated that it wasn't urgent.

Not maybe, probably giving her rent-free space in my head and heart and soul made it so difficult to stay up this morning. Part of me is feeling ashamed, embarrassed. I'm yawning now which means something is going on internally and I've probably got the answer i.e. the rent-free space is the reason I couldn't stay out of bed.

I notice I'm having trouble putting paragraph breaks in the right spaces. It seems to me the following sentence always has something to do with the previous one. Well, that's the way it is. It's also not a huge deal, not a crime or a sin so long as I split my text up a bit.

Anyway part of me feels ashamed and embarrassed and there is a kind of sinking but also sick feeling in my lower gut. I "ought" to know by now not to contact FOO. Even when I read some missive of theirs, I'm opening myself to some input from them, I'm laying myself open to possible attack. This time I'm holding back the answer I'd really like to give which is: "Instead of thinking and talking about me  with each other, I'd much prefer you answered my questions!!" Even my parents writing that they think and talk about me, makes me angry because it is meant to mean 'We care about you' but then considering all the other stuff they've been saying and then 'forgetting' and confusing since December 2019, they don't really care about me at all. So it feels as if I fell for their tricks again and I feel ashamed of and embarrassed about that. As in, when am I going to learn?? Though that's ICr. speaking.

[Blueberry]

There are as usual a number of things I intended to do today other than going to the police that is, but it really feels as if going to the police is enough, as in the only strenuous thing of that type I can do. .. "That type" - what is that type? It is probably anything that will be or I think might be triggering: finally showering and washing my hair, phoning my accountant re: when is my tax return from 2018 going to be completed? I need to drop by and look through my bank statements because of ll querying the rent payments for my business and setting deadline of June 30th for me sorting it all out. There are a number of steps for me to complete by then, all potentially triggering, but this is the first. 

Sometimes it pays to procrastinate! The accountant phoned this morning about tax return 2018 and especially about the drop in rent, so I was able to ask her as of which month exactly the reduction took place. Less than an hour later, I saw my old ll outside the building and was able to ask him for some written proof for new ll, from Sept. 2018. I needed the exact month so old ll wouldn't have to go rummaging through a bunch of papers. So, two things dealt with already. I feel good (for want of a better word) - relieved, elated - rather than stressed and exhausted.

My old ll added that ke knows new ll and is going to tell him to stop hassling and making difficulties. Actually he used a mild expletive about what new ll is to stop doing, but I can't repeat that here! I realise now that I feel elated because somebody is actually on my side about this, although he doesn't have to be! He's not my ll anymore. However he is the employer of another tenant in my building and I know that new ll was making a real hassle for this other tenant. So it will be great if a fellow business man in the town who is also a ll himself says to new ll: "For heaven's sake stop being a #§!&!! Just stop making difficulties for the tenants!"

I'm so elated about this because FOO was seldom on my side, in fact more than anything, they ganged up on me.

What's the next easiest beneficial action I could take?

This time, I've already started taking easy-ish beneficial actions: I'm up and dressed, I've had all my pre-breakfast meds, I've chatted to the Little Furries and then given them some food, I've walked back and forth in my apartment while attending to things. Walking from room to room and back again seems to get me in motion in a figurative as well as literal sense and also helps me 'sort things' in my head or maybe emotions, I'm not sure. I've also put a load of laundry in the machine and set it going and been down into the garden to empty my kitchen compost and bring some stuff in off the line.

[Three Roses]

Yay for allies!

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
This is really great - I am glad that you feel good - relieved and elated - rather than stressed and exhausted. 
I agree with Three Roses - yay for allies.
Hope