m1234 journal: one foot forward?

[Blueberry]

  (to notalone's post)

Well done on writing it here

If I think back to when I was at school from about 11 years old onwards, I certainly felt very nervous and uncertain about my future.   I think back now and realise that shouldn't have been a worry for me at that age. But it was. It had a lot to do with the family I grew up in and the way I was treated by them. Later maybe in my late teens I don't know if it was fear. I think more just a profound belief that I was unable to get a job and that I felt out-of-my-depth with all those adult things. So you are definitely not alone! I'm sending you support 

There are some families where all children grow up believing in themselves and their abilities which include ability to move forwards, ability to become a fully-functioning adult. I didn't grow up in that kind of family.

[marta1234]

Thank you Blueberry for sharing. It helps me feel less alone.  It's sad that I grew up in a dynamic that created me to fear adult responsibilities. I really do feel like it comes back to me being a child, but faced and enduring adult life problems.

[Blueberry]

Yes it is sad. 

I really do feel like it comes back to me being a child, but faced and enduring adult life problems.

I appreciate the way you say that, it helps me too.

[marta1234]

I feel a bit self conscious for posting this much, but I also wanted to start doing what Blueberry, Dollyvee and others have been writing; their IFS journeys. I find it very healing when I read theirs, so I know it will be of benefit for me.

IFS

I went through the glass door to the other side (protected by a high glass wall). I had a lantern and a ball of light (shapeshifting into a dog), it was very dark and gloomy. I started up a path until I found a cottage. I could hear laughter and talking inside. Immediately, a group of people come out, in armor and swords. I understand that they are the protectors.
I am able to become my Self, taking the form of a crutched man, as my little girl comes out of hiding and presents her self. A woman protector comes out, demanding me to leave. I ask her to follow me to the other side, so I can show her that there is more. The protector follows me, my little girl and the dog. On the other side, there are clouds, pastures with hills. A very strong wind is blowing us. I tell the protector that I wish her no harm, but that there is more than the cabin in the dark. I wished her well and she left.

This was very emotionally consuming. I might come back in several days.

[Not Alone]

Marta, just want to support you and your IFS journey. 

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad you were able to show the protector that there's more.

[owl25]

Fearing adult responsibilities makes a lot of sense to me. I can relate to that quite a lot. It's really tough.

It sounds like you have a lot of caring protectors and that they've done their job very well for all these years. I am glad you were able to show one of them the other side of the glass wall. 

[marta1234]

Thank you everyone for your kind messages after I shared my IFS. I'm struggling right now, so I'm reminding myself there is some kindness in this world.

[Snowdrop]

I'm sorry you're struggling. Sitting with you, if that helps, and putting a soft blanket round your shoulders.

[Blueberry]

Sending lots of support    Give yourself the time you need. It's OK to go at your own pace.

You don't post too much at all on here. I can relate to feeling self-conscious about it, but there is no need for that. 

[dollyvee]

Like Snowdrop said, how great it is that you could show them the other side    That they don't have to stay in the dark and there are greener pastures out there. Hopefully they will join you there soon  It's not easy to uncover this stuff, so give yourself time to process it.

[marta1234]

Thank you for your support and care. 

TW————

I don't know how to write this out. Maybe because Christmas is coming and everyone has these jolly plans. And because Christmas "holidays" always meant, "get together" with family. I am forced to see my abuser.
I feel silly writing this. I have "prayed to god" so many times so I wouldn't have to go through humiliation or anything worse, during these times. I feel silly because no one around me seems this way. Mother is ecstatic. Father too. Other sibling is indifferent. And I feel crazy, sitting in my bed, writing this out and feeling this intense fear. I don't know how normal families are.
I'm afraid because during my abuser's stay here, he will be staying in my room. On his own bed. And how can I possibly  sleep with him in the room? I want to shout this from the rooftops. Although, I know that I'm an adult now, and nothing will happen to me. But I hear his voice in my head. Those menacing sounds and all of the verbal abuse. I also see him in my mind. I see him going to his bed, playing over and over in my mind.

I feel silly writing this out. I'd always keep this in. How can you feel so little towards a man, when you're not? I sometimes feel that if I disappeared, nothing would be left of me. I feel so hallow. There is nothing in me that feels like something.

[Snowdrop]

Oh no, that's awful Marta. A lot of things you've written about your abuser resonate with me, and I honestly don't think I'd be able to cope with this situation. Writing it out is definitely not silly.

Is there any way of at least changing the sleeping arrangements? I'm concerned about you.

Sending much love and support wrapped up in a big hug.

[marta1234]

Snowdrop, thank you for your care. It means a lot. To be honest, I'd wished someone had said this when I was little. I wished some adult, my parents or someone, had told me that they were concerned about our sleeping arrangements (I had to share a room with my brother from when I was small till 15 years old). It traumatized me for sure.
I feel like the fact that I stayed quiet for all those years when sharing a room, just comes back to me as an intense EF. It's just hard when I think about it. I feel like a little girl, my most vulnerable state, when I think back to that to this day. I also think that I have lived my whole for my brother: for his approval and punishments at the same time (I hope that makes sense). I always thought that I was the scapegoat, and that's what I'll always be. Because he succeeded in putting that thought in me.

I wished we (everyone on the forum) didn't have to go through uncomfortable circumstances in present life (mine as an example), but it sometimes works out that way. I think I'll just grieve this EF, because not having a safe spot to sleep for my whole childhood, even into teen years, is such a loss that so many people (I feel) take for granted.

[Blueberry]

Oh no, that's awful Marta. A lot of things you've written about your abuser resonate with me, and I honestly don't think I'd be able to cope with this situation. Writing it out is definitely not silly.

Is there any way of at least changing the sleeping arrangements? I'm concerned about you.

Sending much love and support wrapped up in a big hug.

   

For me what resonates especially is the idea that you have to put up with things like the sleeping arrangements, I mean your family just seem to expect it. You do have a right to say "No!". It took me years to dare. In fact it's only come slowly in the last 3-4.  I do know with your and my kind of past it's really hard to say so. I can only do it because I'm far away geographically. In the company of FOO I can hardly defend myself. I feel like Snowdrop - I couldn't handle this situation. Could you go anywhere else over Christmas? A friend's house or somewhere? Maybe even a temporary shelter for women? I'm concerned about you, about your emotional welfare.

Please know that you have me and undoubtedly a bunch of other members from here in your corner. We are here for you and there will undoubtedly be some of us checking into the forum over Christmas to gather and/or give support!