m1234 journal: one foot forward?

[Violet Magenta]

Hi Marta, I just read your last post here, and I can relate. In my own work, I went from kind of laughing at the very concept of an inner critic, to realizing that I do indeed have vague and horrifying internal abuse happening in my head, to finally having the IC appear as voices some of the time. It is disconcerting, but maybe it's a part of the process of becoming more aware of the IC. We can be so hard on ourselves about what we perceive to be failures and mistakes. It's painful stuff.  If it's okay, I'm sending a hug    ~ Viola

[marta1234]

Thank you Violet Magenta, and a hug is always appreciated

[Hope67]

Hi Marta,

I am also sending you a hug 

Hope 

[marta1234]

Thank you Hope, sending you a big one too 

Just trying to put one step forward these days. The closer it gets to the end of the year, the more triggering it’s for me and harder.

Edit: I came back and felt the need to at least speak it out. I’m struggling with a lot right now. My mind doesn’t stop churning, I’m thrown back into EFs constantly, I am in a very negative inner state, and the inner critic recordings are playing over and over.
I don’t say this to make myself look weak or gain pity from people. But this is not what I feel. I wrote this sentence out as a defensive measure, but inside I feel the opposite. There are so many parts in me that are against this “weaker” version of me. They are trying to fight it and lock it up.

TW
I’m grieving all the times I spoke up about what happened at home (never in details ofc), and saying that I was afraid of my b. And all those times no one batted an eye. One time I told a friend in school that I was afraid of my b because he used physical force on me, and she said that she understood. She also had done that to her siblings. I was heartbroken after that. I had opened up to a friend, and they minimized my abuse to as little as an ant. After that, I felt like everything was my fault. Another time at the end of a session, I told my therapist (at the time) that again, I was afraid of my b, and she told me to write my feelings in a letter. What I felt. In a letter. And I know that that therapist wasn’t trauma informed, but still, how could someone react so nonchalant? I feel broken about being misunderstood so many times. The subtle cues I’d give my mother. The subtle cues I’d show to my other sibling of how it was. But no one noticed. I feel this hurt over being not being seen as silly. I want to say that so many have had it worse. I should be grateful for the minor things I got. At least it wasn’t as bad as other people got. And here goes my inner critic again.

[owl25]

Maybe others have had it worse, but so many others had it better too, dear marta. You shouldn't have had to live in fear of your brother, or any family member for that matter. They are supposed to be safe. Not having that safety is a huge, huge deal.  I am sorry no one picked up on it and that no one responded properly, especially the therapist.

I just read an article yesterday about trauma and why it doesn't heal on its own. What it comes down to is the trauma is perpetuated by us continuing to re-abandon ourselves. When the critical thoughts come, when we beat ourselves up, or when we minimize, we continue to abandon ourselves and our pain. To heal this, we need to be kind to ourselves. We need to stop hating ourselves for the pain we feel inside. This pain isn't our fault. I also know from IFS that the critic is there to try to protect from the pain, but it's actually not working.  I wanted to beat myself up today, but after reading the article, and knowing what I know from IFS, I instead tried to be gentle with myself. I consciously stopped myself from beating myself up, and instead connected with that hurting part of myself. It was hard, I felt the pain, but it was better than the pain from beating myself up.

I guess I am sharing all this with you in the hopes that maybe it can help with the inner critic and the minimizing. The article I read is here: https://themindsjournal.com/why-emotional-trauma-doesnt-heal/.    There is also a second page to it, click on the number 2 at the bottom. It's easy to miss with all the ads on that page.

[marta1234]

Thank you Owl, your words were like clean water into a dirty lake (I hope this metaphor is understandable...).  Thank you for sharing the link, will give it a good read and for the hug, much needed

[owl25]

I am glad that was helpful  Many big hugs, you deserve love and safety. 

[Blueberry]

Many big hugs, you deserve love and safety. 

You did not deserve to live in fear of your brother and you did not deserve the rest of your family or friends, therapists etc etc ignoring or downplaying the signals you gave them. Your hurt is real, it is not silly. 

[marta1234]

Thank you Blueberry and Owl for your support. 

I wanted to write this out in a place I felt safe. This is how I feel about myself: I feel that I have failed very much, everything that I have set my mind to. I have "failed" cooking, writing a story, playing piano, drawing and painting,... I'm scared to say more. A part has come by and used its role to dissociate, it seems that I've wanted a lot but "failed" at most. I don't know what to say. I feel these are memories that are overwhelming to say the least.
What to do when you have lost so much of childhood? I know it's a silly question, and can be compared to others, but I'll still put my foot on the ground and say that I have lost things. I'm just sad.

[sanmagic7]

there is nothing minimized here, marta, no one's life experiences are compared to others.  we've all had it different, is all, but we've all been wounded brutally, no matter what form our abuse took, how long it lasted, how others reacted.  you are heard here, validated, supported, and cared about. 

as far as failing at things, i think we've all done some of that during our lives.  when i think about it for a minute, it may be that we didn't have the know-how, the emotional tools, or the practice it takes to succeed at certain things.  i think most of us have succeeded at surviving horrific experiences, emotional battery, and mental mind games.  we've also succeeded at pushing on even when feeling our weakest.  to my mind, that's exactly when we are at our strongest.

my dear marta, you are precious, and only deserve to be treated that way.  i'm sorry you weren't, by your foo, b, friends, therapists, etc.  i'm glad you feel safe enough to write it out here.  sending love and a hug filled with gentle kindness.

[marta1234]

Thank you San for your words, nobody understands more than you (and everyone on this forum) do. I'll keep your message by my heart, so I don't forget. 

[Not Alone]

Marta, I'm so sorry that you have not been seen and heard in the past. I understand how that really increases the pain.

[marta1234]

Thank you notalone for your support 

[Pioneer]

Sending you much support and a hug 

[marta1234]

Thank you Pioneer