Not Alone: Reduced Visibility; One Step at a Time

[Not Alone]

San & Hope, Thank you for your support.

It's been a couple of weeks since I added to my journal. I don't feel like writing any details right now. Still seeing T 2x a week, working a bit, dealing with present day relationships.

[Bach]

Thinking of you and sending care and warm thoughts 

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Bach. I know it's hard for you right now. 

[Not Alone]

There is quite a bit shifting inside of me lately. Today, after reading some parts of the book, Unshame by Carolyn Spring, I was able to make a little more sense of what is changing. It would be easier if it were all neat and tidy, but it isn't; it is COMPLEX. Still, these are positive changes. [I am having a serious battle with: "So what if you have a cup of positive change; you have an ocean's worth of junk to deal with." I'm trying not to look at the ocean right now, and just focus on the cup that is front of me.] I did some journaling about it and look forward to processing further with my T next week.

[Snookiebookie2]

Notalone

Well done on those positive steps and the shifts that you've noticed.   

Progress is progress. One step at at time. 

[Not Alone]

Thank you Snookiebookie. Your encouragement warmed my heart.

I just got home from dinner out with husband and friends. This is the day before Halloween and some people had on costumes. A couple of the staff costumes were triggering to me, one quite triggering. It didn't put me into an amygdala hijacking, but disturbing to me and the image is in my mind. (As I wrote the paragraph below, the image of the costume is present in my mind. I need the memories associated with that to be "on hold" to a later date. It's like a picture that someone is holding in front of me.)

I only have so much capacity for social interaction. I enjoyed the first part of the time with friends, but then I reached my limit. It just got difficult, and the increase of noise with more people and the arrival of a musician, added to my feelings of "being done." There was laughter-----I joined in, but didn't feel it. And that brought back feelings from a lifetime of feeling like others are laughing and enjoying life and I'm just faking the enjoyment.

[rainydiary]

So much of what you wrote resonates with me.  I hope that you find ways to soothe and take care of yourself after being overstimulated.   

[sanmagic7]

i'm with you on the whole 'too much stimulation' boat, notalone.  where once i used to love social events, raucous parties, lots of people around, now i have so little tolerance for it i sometimes amaze myself.  hopefully, you're now in a quiet place, maybe getting some solitude to surround and soothe you after that experience. 

i totally get the triggering thing, too.  last week, my d and i were watching a Simpsons halloween  episode, and it was too much for me.  A cartoon.  yep, i get it.  too much is too much.  sending love and a hug filled with calm

[Tee]

  hugs notalone, I told my T that I guess I will just take life until I feel like living again.  She said that sometimes that's all that we can ask if ourselves.  When things got the fan so hard and all I want to do is hide or leave.  Faking life is better than leaving it.  Sure it's not the best coping skills but it helps us survive when we are hurting and stuck in our heads with horror no one else knows our can understand. So I hope that though you have made so much progress notalone that you don't use this technique often that when it again becomes the way you survive that you give yourself Grace. Cause faking it till you can truely laugh with your friends at least has you with your friends for a bit enjoying a bit of time before the internal struggle began.  Big hug 

[woodsgnome]

In social situations (extremely rare for me these days) I've felt 'out of it' many times. I'd often feel like I was in another world and couldn't be as 'together' as everyone around me seemed to be. It's an old habit, where I assume, with no evidence, that everyone but myself must be the normal ones. While I can seem just shy, I suppose, inside I'm feeling like the ground might swallow me up on the spot.

Except -- lots of times I also found out I wasn't the only one feeling completely out of the loop. It's been very slow to realize that I wasn't always truly alone. Maybe it's not always just ourselves feeling that way; it's perhaps more indicative of what a mixed-up world this can be.

That observation may, or may not, help for some moments and/or circumstances. For me it has helped (even if it sometimes takes me a while  ) find another perspective on things, and not always feel like a rare stand-alone person, that others might be feeling the same. Just a thought; but I hope it made a little sense anyway.

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Rainydiary. Yesterday, when I had the opportunity, I curled up on my bed with my stuffed animal and my blanket for awhile. It felt like a drink of cold water.

Thank you, San. Yes triggers are difficult and can come from anywhere. The one on Saturday was overt, but sometimes it's as subtle as the way someone is breathing.

Thanks, Tee. I was able to enjoy some of the time with friends, much more than I was able to do a couple of years ago. Yes, giving ourselves grace, being kind, is so important and I am growing in my ability to do that.

It's an old habit, where I assume, with no evidence, that everyone but myself must be the normal ones. While I can seem just shy, I suppose, inside I'm feeling like the ground might swallow me up on the spot.

Except -- lots of times I also found out I wasn't the only one feeling completely out of the loop. It's been very slow to realize that I wasn't always truly alone. Maybe it's not always just ourselves feeling that way; it's perhaps more indicative of what a mixed-up world this can be.

I also (I think) appear shy or quiet, but at times wish the ground might swallow me up. I am comparing my insides to others' outsides. If someone had been looking at me, they would have seen someone having a good time with her friends.

I'm so grateful that I could come to all of you with this. I knew that many of you would understand.


The image of the disturbing Halloween costume continues to come into my mind. It isn't throwing me into the chasm, just disturbing. I think that in my therapy session tomorrow, I will tell my T so that he can help to hold the memory with me. I don't want to talk about it because I have other important things to process. I think it will help to have him know about it though.

There are some present time painful things going on. I don't want to write details of those now, just want to state it.

This afternoon, I plan on creating an art therapy regarding the shifting that is going on internally. I know in my mind what it will look like. I'm very visual, so it helps me to express myself that way. I feel like what is happening is huge (if I look at the cup and not the ocean).

[Tee]

  I'm glad you feel less alone and I hope talking to your T will help you process it more.  I like your looking at the cup instead of the ocean idea.  I can picture that.

[sanmagic7]

sending love and support, notalone.

[Bach]

notalone, I know so many of these feelings so well   It is so hard.  I'm sorry I don't have more to contribute right now, but I want you to know that I care and am still with you here

[Not Alone]

Tee, San, & Bach; Thank you. 

I did complete my art therapy. It helped to have the visual representation. My therapist agrees with me that the things that are shifting and changing are significant. I'm trying to let myself just sit with this for awhile instead of running to the next issue.

When I emailed copies of my art therapy to my T, I told him about the costume. I said that I didn't want to talk about it right now, I just needed him to hold it with me. He acknowledged that in my session and we didn't talk about it further. It still comes into my head, but helps that he knows what the image is.