Stutter - Deep Blue

[Sceal]

Let's watch a movie. I'm partial to Howl's Moving Castle or Pride and Predidjuce (the tv series though, not the movie) or maybe Disney's Robin Hood (I haven't seen that in years).

I hope that the flashback nightmares will slowly subside and you can have more peaceful rest soon. you've been hard at work for too long now.

[sanmagic7]

hey, db,  i think the tiredness is coming from your brain processing after the emd.  i know i'm very tired for about a day and a half, at least, after a session.  this is a lot of work you're doing, so i hope you get as much sleep and rest as you can.  you deserve it.  love and hugs, my dear

[Deep Blue]

Sceal,
I do like Disney's Robin Hood. Let's watch  it. I need it tonight.

San,
That's a good point. Do you think just doing emd can still make people tired? Even if I'm not doing the reprocessing yet?
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I'm exhausted today.  I had a full on immersive flashback today.  I think it was over 5 minutes long.  It was NOT a good one at all! It was PA.... really bad PA...

I'm so sore today.  My back is throbbing and I'm scared to try to sleep tonight.

Doc gave me new meds.  I'll prob start it tomorrow? So now I'm on 2 different kinds.  I dunno about this 

[sanmagic7]

hey,

yes.  your brain is still being engaged, even with emd, and that's massive energy being used.  brain energy can be more exhausting than physical energy, at least from my experience.  i can get more tired thinking, focusing, concentrating on something i'm trying to figure out than if i walked 3 miles.

so sorry about that flashback - sounds horrendous.  i hope these new meds give you some relief.  you've been going thru this for so long . . .

sending a hug filled with love and strength.

[Blueberry]

Do you think just doing emd can still make people tired? Even if I'm not doing the reprocessing yet?
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I'm exhausted today.  I had a full on immersive flashback today.  I think it was over 5 minutes long. 

I know the question was to san and she responded, but I just want to add that I agree with her! I don't even have emd as part of my treatment, but it's just this whole trauma stuff. I can be exhausted after merely saying something about it. I used to be exhausted all the time, non-stop.

I'm really sorry you're going thru so much and have been for months now. I didn't have the energy to respond when you thought you were being 'whiney'. I don't think you are/were being that at all!! In fact, I assume that's some ICr idea, something you were maybe told back then. 

Gentle hugs, if they feel safe for you Otherwise I'm just sending support.

[Not Alone]

Deep Blue,
Thinking of you. 

[Deep Blue]

San,
What you said about brain energy being used seems to ring true.  I feel really tired but not really sleepy... so I bet that has something to do with it.

Blueberry,
Thanks for the support.  I do feel so rough these days.  The quarantining and social distancing is doing an absolute number on me.  It's bringing up awful trauma that I never even thought about before.

Not alone,
To you.
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Blueberry is right, I've been struggling for awhile now.

I have ok days and bad days now... the good ones seem like a distant memory.

My T (while trying not to sound worried) set up an appointment for me with a psychiatrist this week.  Maybe some new meds will help?

The meds my GP gave me this past week were awful. I didn't react well to them at all.  Sweaty, feverish, jittery, all around bad.

So I just plain felt like quitting after that.  My T said she trusts this particular psychiatrist but I can't help but feel bleak... I don't have the energy to call a friend and talk.  I'm sure they are all sick of me by now anyway. 

I'm sick of me too

[Not Alone]

I don't have the energy to call a friend and talk.  I'm sure they are all sick of me by now anyway. 

I'm sick of me too

I have felt like this. I am not tired of you or of reading what you have to say. You are precious.

[Three Roses]

I'm not sick of you. 

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue,
I also think you are precious and I care about you.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

all of the above, db.  not sick of you.  instead, i see someone worthwhile and valuable who has been struggling.  we'll get thru this together.

even tho the social distancing has not changed my life much, i started feeling it the other day.  i can't imagine what it must be like for people like you who have had active work and social lives.  must be horrid.  hang tough, ok?  we're here with you.  much love and many hugs

[Blueberry]

I don't have the energy to call a friend and talk.  I'm sure they are all sick of me by now anyway. 

I'm sick of me too

I have felt like this.

Me too.

Dear Deep Blue, I'm not sick of you. I care about you. Sending much support! 

[woodsgnome]

You'll never have to 'turn to' us, Deep Blue. I, for one, and I'm positive others feel the same -- think of you often, wishing to share peaceful vibes, and knowing what it's like to struggle as you have.

We hear you, and admire you. And ... will never tire of doing so.

[Deep Blue]

Notalone,
Thanks for saying you are not tired of reading.  That honestly warms my heart. Thanks 

Hope and 3R,
I adore you both.  Thanks for not being sick of me. 

San,
I am trying to hang tough.  It helps when the sun is out... I can get some exercise and be outside.  The rainy days are the pits for sure. ❤️

Blueberry,
Thanks for caring about me.  I care about you too.   

Woods gnome,
Thanks for not turning your back on me.  I'm trying to close my eyes and soak up all those peaceful vibes.  Deep breaths.
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I talked to the psychiatrist today.  She was nice.  I was on the phone with her for over an hour.  Towards the end I was pretty spent.  She prescribed me something to help ease the nightmares... but I'll go pick it up tomorrow.

I don't do very well when people compliment me.  I don't really feel like I deserve it and have a hard time believing it. 

The psychiatrist said "wow, you getting away from that abuse is a testament to your strength".  I couldn't take that compliment... too much shame around my trauma still.  At least I think that's why I couldn't take it???

I dunno, I'm hopeful that this will help.  I've been struggling for a month now pretty much day in and day out.  I can't take much more.  I want to move past my trauma. 

The psychiatrist said, there isn't a magic medicine that will help clear up all my trauma.  Her hope is that there is some meds that will make my healing journey easier and hopefully a little quicker.

Deep breaths tonight deep breaths

[sanmagic7]

staying with you, db.  i agree with your psychiatrist - it really does take a lot of strength to get out from under continual abuse.  you done good, my dear!  and you keep doing good, hangin' in there, making it from day to day.  that's a testament to your strength and your courage as well.  i know you may not believe it, but that's how i see you.  love and hugs