Starting my journal

[holidayay]

I managed to move out with minimal stress AND started a new rotation - this time in Psychiatry.
Everything ended up getting sorted really rather quickly and better than I expected. I got a call from a consultant who had seen my CV and said he thought I'd be a great fit for his team, and coincidentally, found a room in a house not too far from the hospital where I'll be working. It was a lovely fortuitous turn of events - everything happened on the same day, oddly enough, and then June just seemed to get better and better from there. The job so far is good, the team are nice and welcoming, and the specialty is Old Age Psychiatry so its quite gentle and slow paced, which I think is ideal for me after my rotation on a VERY busy Stroke unit. The consultant (my biggest worry after experiencing toxic ones) is very sweet - seems like the wise and philosophical kind. We had a long chat about psychiatry, and human behaviour, and suffering, and the adage of 'bad, mad or sad'? and his responses were very thought provoking. I'll be placed here for at least 3 months, but at this rate, I'll probably want to stay much longer.

Therapy is still ongoing too. I'm not sure how exactly its happened, but we've reached a new level where...thoughts and feelings come spiralling out about things I've struggled to feel and put words to. In the last session, he said there was a change in that I wasn't dissociating when talking about early life experiences and my core beliefs - that I am worthless and i deserve to be rejected and abandoned and I am not at all good enough - I was crying and when he asked how i felt when i said i realised this is all because of the incessant message i got from my family, constantly, over and over from my earliest memory, I started bawling and the word 'devastated' immediately came to mind whereas before....when he asked this, I'd get annoyed and snap 'obviously it is horrible, but that's what happened and that's how it is and i don't care' and not really feel anything. He dug around a bit and i told him this time, well i remember the process i used to go through with my mum: when she was being horrible and horrendous I would think she is mean and to be avoided and then she would have few moments where she would switch and be nice and want us to feel sorry for her and I would feel so guilty....but in order to feel one of these sentiments for her, I'd have to switch off another part of myself - the part that is hurt deeply and betrayed by the monster side of her and to do that on a whim and suddenly think of her a since, wold be too much so i'd just switch to 'i'm not thinking about this anymore' and opt out, i.e. not caring...i.e. dissociating? He said that was really helpful to understand this and for me to state it, and that it was a very smart decision back then, and now it is about working towards not needing to do 'splitting' and being comfortable in more grey areas. I think I agree, although I don't really do this internal process with people in my life other than ones who show similar abusive behaviour as my mum - so i want to be careful not to take on his words that I should willingly sit in grey areas with EVERYONE - because in my experience, everyone i used to accept who were abusive loved to prey on the empathetic part of me that would accept their horrible behaviour ;'because they're going through this or that, or because they've been through something horrible' etc etc. Splitting isn't useful for healthy relationships but the problem with abusive relationships - you simply cannot apply healthy skills such as communication, empathy, benefit of the doubt, understanding. They bulldoze over you and leave you cowering in their wake. In abusive relationships, you almost HAVE to employ certain traits associated with personality disorders: abrupt ending and STRICT NO CONTACT, gate-keep your empathy and DO NOT apply it to narcissistic types.
As much I like my therapist, he admitted early on he isn't as familiar with narcissistic family structures and he has been reading about it since, so i am scared he doesn't yet understand the nuances of it. I get the impression sometimes he may be suggesting i accept my mum more 'holistically' rather than the conclusion i've reached, which came after MUCH PAIN AND SUFFERING and every effort under the sun to try other avenues...it simply doesn't work. I want him to understand the necessaity of this, my mum will swoop in and ruin an entire life if she detects the slightest hint of empathy. And this isn't me 'splitting' - this is what i've seen her do time and time again to my siblings, father, and few friends who all dropped off over time. Sometimes i get annoyed i didn't get a therapist who is nuancd with all this stuff - Dr Ramani's videos on youtube on the other hand, she understands it down to a T, and i love her approach to place the victim's healing as the most important thing. I might mention this to him next time. Sometimes he seems more 'run of the mill' therapis who understands well  healing tactics for healthy relationships, but not the dangers of applying this whole-sale.

Maybe I'll just print this entry off and show him, haha, though i hope he won't get offended.

[Hope67]

Hi holidayay,

I read everything you wrote here the other day, and just wanted to say that I was glad to hear your new rotation is going well, and that you are enjoying it.  I was also interested to hear about the person called Dr Ramani, and I hope to look up those videos - because I think I might also gain some benefit from watching them.  Thank you for mentioning and sharing your experiences.

Hope 

[holidayay]

Hi holidayay,

I read everything you wrote here the other day, and just wanted to say that I was glad to hear your new rotation is going well, and that you are enjoying it.  I was also interested to hear about the person called Dr Ramani, and I hope to look up those videos - because I think I might also gain some benefit from watching them.  Thank you for mentioning and sharing your experiences.

Hope 

Thank you for reading, Hope  I hope you find comfort and healing in Dr R's videos, she helped me a lot, especially during my darkest days.

[holidayay]

I've felt a bit of progress recently. Getting a bit better at emotional regulation. Asking for help. Feeling my feelings - not completely easily and naturally, but...better than before. Less of the huge flooding as soon as I allow myself to feel anything, and then becoming overwhelmed.

I've realised how so much has changed in the last few years. How the quality of my friendships are so much better. The increase in my confidence, though still variable at times. How I have tried, stumbled, fallen MANY times, and picked myself up and continued.

I still feel unsure of my future at times. Many times, in fact. But at least, I feel less scared. Less fearful and scarcity mindset. A little more hopeful. The direction isn't clear, but that doesn't worry me so much anymore.

I've made a lot of mistakes. As well as bold moves and good decisions. I learnt from every one - good or bad. And I'm still learning.
I wonder how it'll all play out.
Will I get what I want from life, beyond being stuck in paralysis/constant striving to heal?

[holidayay]

My head feels so heavy this morning. I had what felt like very busy dreams, filled with emotional spikes and i woke up feel...hypervigilant and adrenalised. My cat was dragging her food bowl around and making lots of noise and i couldn't orientate myself, and got freaked out what the noise might be.
I'm so exhausted this morning and my head is painful all the way around.
Themes kept coming up of minimising myself. How I should and have always tried to take up as little room as possible, say little, don't take up offers that are sweet or helpful so as not to hassle anyone, and always opt for the choice that is least troublesome for others  when asked what I'd like to do. I absolutely had to do that at home, with my family. They would explicitly say so; they would shout, hiss, threaten, demean, insult and mock me if i needed anything that would 'put them out' and dared to express it - and it was just the BARE MINIMUM. They just didn't want to.
Trying to work on this is terrifying. I've had more help in the past few years than ever before, and I'm still adjusting to the confusion and uncertainty of it....is it ok? Are these people who are helping me SURE that they are okay with it - will they be talking about me behind my back, calling me useless, hapless, acopic, a burden, an emotional mess?

I think this is coming up because it has been the next stage of healing I have been trying to consciously tackle. In the little things, and big things. Little things like speaking up at work and not rushing my words to quickly finish and shut up, or asking questions when i need help in case of trying to just find out on my own. Other things like asking for help with moving house, emotional support. Its so scary. My head hurts just thinking about it. My skin feels aggravated and there's a deep falling feeling in the pit of my stomach. It makes me feel a bit sick and heavy.

[Armee]

That nosie would be such a strange thing to wake up to!

I'm sleepy so I don't have much coherent to say but hi, I read, and am sending you support as you work through asking for real-life support. That's hard. Also I appreciate you writing this because this happens so badly with me and you really expressed so well what happens. It is very frustrating because it feels very out of my control amd people always tell me to slow down but I can't.

Little things like speaking up at work and not rushing my words to quickly finish and shut up

[Hope67]

Hi Holidayay,

Hope that your day is ok, as I know you've had a disrupted night with that experience with the noises that the cat was making. 

You're really processing a lot at the moment - as you describe how you're feeling things more - that's such a big thing.  I related to what you said about the minimisation. 

I hope that your facing of all these things feels less terrifying over time.  Sending you a hug of support, if that is ok - 

Hope 

[holidayay]

My anxiety is through the roof.
I can't sleep, thoughts are just racing around and around and around.
Its been a terrible past week.
I've gone from lots of shame, anger, depression, helplessness and right back to the harsh inner critic which has been particularly harsh.
My head feels like its constantly pounding.
I wish I could get a good night's rest.

Why do I keep having these big dips? My therapist and everything i've read online say its normal, part of the journey. I feel like I'm just on a constant rollercoaster of instability.
It seems to never end. I am so incredibly tired. And I feel embarrassed this is my life still, a 33 years old.

Now I have to brace myself to go to work and its the last thing I feel like doing...

[holidayay]

I think I am now metabolising more of the scarier, deeper things. Its terrifying.
I keep having dreams where scenarios are set up to reignite the worst feellings I had as a child - the earliest feelings. Of being terrified, abandoned, constantly scared of the next verbal attack and shaming, rejection.
My siblings keep popping up in my mind.
Its like they were the junior dictators in the house.
Bullies waiting at home. They were even more scary than my mum. They lacked the inhibition and filters that can come with age. They were cruel and mocking, and so unpredictable when they would flip and launch into anger - either physically, or with threats and nasty name calling. Then they would retale the stories of what they said and did and laugh, over and over and over again. My sister delighted in doing this, or witnessing it and then constantly retelling what she saw and laughing over and over again. She was so vicious.
My dreams were filled with scenarios that copied this. A guy from work taking pictures of me to send to people to highlight how truly ugly and disgusting i was, and i felt the worst of the worst feelings that just seem to scream: WHEN WILL YOU GET IT, YOU ARE UNWORTHY as though...I am not even really human, and deserving of life and dignity.

So much of this is so hard to put words to. When it happens from before i could even speak, its just a feeling, the terrified swirling pit in my stomach and the pounding in the back of my head like I am about to be crushed. Its so exhausting.
I wish I could heal out of this, and not fear this precedent - this underlying constant fear of being rejected and mocked and discovered to be the truly unworthy, unloveable creature they made me feel i am.

[paul72]

Hi holidayay
I don't know the words to say, but I am so sorry you are feeling these things and so sorry they happened.
I hope you can feel safe and present .... but also loveable and worthy!
Sending a supportive hug if you'd like.. i wish i had words 

[Hope67]

Hi Holidayay,
Sending you supportive hugs, if that's ok    You've got so much coming up at the moment, and it sounds really tough.  I hope that you are ok.
Hope 

[Armee]

 

I relate to all of that.

[holidayay]

My nephew wants to meet up this weekend. He said he and his sisters and their mum (my sister, very abusive and unpredictable, i dont speak to her) are coming to my city for a short break. Immediately my heart started pounding and i felt sick. All visits and meet ups that involved my sister in the past ended up in complete chaos. She doesn't plan and make polite requests or organise the details, she just turns up with entitlement and her own idea of what she'll get out of it. She'll be hooking up with weird guys, making calls to buy marijuana, shouting and ranting if the kids make too much noise, money always seems to be an issue - she either doesn't really let anyone know just how she cant afford what she wants or will go on quests to steal/cheat/try to get money out of guys she meets. ZERO consideration or awareness of the kids, anyone else involved. Zero concern for how ANY of her behaviour affects others and this automatic entitlemtn of babysitting and being available fr her whilst she does her unscrupulus activities. Then, in between all that, she is constantly talking about herself, her endless problems and victimhood and repetive boring cringey stories of what she has done that she thinks everyone should find funny ad amusing when its not. If the kids get boredand interrupt her chain of thought of action plan, she turns dark and angry and screams and shouts. Its disgusting. And breaks my heart to see happen to the kids.
I feel sad  that i am saying no to my nephew but his mother is the despicable bully who terrorised and abused me as a child with a significant age gap between us. I get panic and anxirty just thinking of ever seeing her face again. And how quickly she can induce guilt and shame and feeling sorry for her and forgoing all of my needs, emotions, thoughts. its insanity making. I will not be opening myself up to this, new memories of abuse and terror. There is enough for me to recover from. I cannot save my nephew or anyone else for that matter. I need to save myself.

[Armee]

Wow that's tough. But you are doing exactly the right thing.

[holidayay]

Well, this is my second day off in a row.
And I am beginning to feel a teeny bit better.
I also had therapy yesterday, which of course, helps.

I think there are a few positives. I realised this morning I've learnt something - that I can now sense when I have stretched myself too far with work/friends/'doing things' and need to pull back to recharge. It is SO easy to keep soldiering on whilst my body is screaming at me to STOP. When I do that, when I don't listen and don't respect my needs, my dreams amp up to try to alert me. That's what my therapist says about my dreams. That they happen the way they do because its is my inner child trying to alert me and get me to listen.
I've learnt to take a step back when that happens, and get back to myself. Take better care of myself.

I've also seen massive correlations between social media scrolling and bad dreams/bad feelings. I had really gotten into the habit of waking up and immediately scrolling, and any time i wasn't doing anything, or waiting for a bus/train, I automatically turn to my phone for scrolling. So much pictures of supposed bliss and happiness to compare to and feel awful about my own life. So much unnecessary sensory stimuli, constant information leaking into my saddled brain.
I got rid of instagram app yesterday and already feel a little bit better. I don't need to see constant pictures of snapshots of other people's lives, most of whom I don't really speak to.
Its not real. Its a fake world on there. It doesn't serve me at all.

I've got 4 days off now and I will be committing them to looking after myself. Everything has all definitely been too much recently.

And thanks everyone who comments sweet messages after my posts