Starting my journal

[holidayay]

I'm on holiday in a beautiful island now.
It looks so magical here. And the people are just wonderful.
I had an amazing first 2 days. I felt so peaceful, so content, and happy. I couldn't relate to anything CPTSD at all in those moments.
Then I went to sleep and the dreams started.
First, about narcissistic people from my past who used to like me when I was giving, giving, giving, and then who showed disdain and left when I was struggling. The feelings in those dreams were so real and so exhausting. I felt just like I did back then; the message was clear: you are unworthy, you are worthless, you are pathetic. I really didn't want to let these dreams and the emotional hangover the next morning ruin the trip so I tried to get on with things. And then, yesterday, the dreams were even more relentless. It felt like having an 8-hour long continuous self-berating session, whilst I slept.
Today, I am physically, mentally and emotionally drained.
My therapist says with dissociation, people can have what is called 'hyperassociation' when they fall asleep....when the cognitive mind switches off and cannot 'decide' to dissociate, the feelings underlaying the dissociation burst out of the dissociative barrier and we can HYPER-associate with them. Feel them fully. And I sense this is what has happened, especially since I tried to block it all out when it first happened. She said it is also common that these hyperassociative dream states happen after experiencing joy, safety, happy feelings. Old parts pop up to try to warn us, to remind us of old trauma so we don't let our guard down too much. I have strong shaming parts. My childhood was full of shaming. Constant shaming attacks - from mum, siblings, teachers. I always felt shame at my very being. It was awful. And I feel this shame now. Who am I to have this wonderful holiday? Me, who is ugly, unworthy, undeserving - who do I think I am? Not compared to those other people who clearly are better, prettier, more normal and deserving. And on and on and on it goes.
I feel so exhausted by this. I'm trying to spend a bit of time this morning sitting with these feelings, not pushing them away but I don't know how to deal with them. If I let them be, they just seem to get louder, trying to convince me even more of my unworthiness.

[TheBigBlue]

Hi Holidayay,

No wonder you are exhausted. That contrast, and the emotions you're describing, sound incredibly exhausting.

On one hand, your therapist's explanation makes sense to me, but I wonder if there might be a few other things happening alongside it.

One thought is that we often hear about people becoming physically ill once they finally go on vacation or after a major stressful period ends. It's almost as if the mind and body hold everything together while they have to, and only once there is space to relax do they begin to process what has been carried for so long. Maybe our emotional world sometimes works like that too.

The other thing that struck me was the timing. You first described two days of feeling peaceful, content and happy. Then came the dreams telling you that you were unworthy and didn't deserve any of it. I couldn't help wondering whether those old shaming parts were reacting to the joy itself, almost as if they were saying, "Don't get too comfortable. Don't forget who you are." That sounds incredibly exhausting.

And perhaps there is one more possibility. I sometimes wonder whether dreams like these can also be part of integration; not because they feel good, but because your mind is finally trying to process experiences that it couldn't process before.

I don't know whether any of these ideas — or perhaps some combination of them — is true, but I hope these dreams don't erase the fact that those first two days were real. The peace was real too. 💛

If it were me, I'd also gently remind myself that two things can be true at the same time: these old feelings can be surfacing, and I can still let myself notice the beauty around me. The kindness of the people. The sea. The magic of the island. Not because you're denying what's happening inside, but because that beautiful place is real too. Maybe those moments of beauty and attunement are part of the healing as well.

I hope you're still able to soak up little moments of your holiday, one at a time. And if today is simply a hard day, I hope tomorrow lets a little more of that peace back in. You deserve those moments just as much as anyone else.

[holidayay]

Hi Holidayay,

No wonder you are exhausted. That contrast, and the emotions you're describing, sound incredibly exhausting.

On one hand, your therapist's explanation makes sense to me, but I wonder if there might be a few other things happening alongside it.

One thought is that we often hear about people becoming physically ill once they finally go on vacation or after a major stressful period ends. It's almost as if the mind and body hold everything together while they have to, and only once there is space to relax do they begin to process what has been carried for so long. Maybe our emotional world sometimes works like that too.

The other thing that struck me was the timing. You first described two days of feeling peaceful, content and happy. Then came the dreams telling you that you were unworthy and didn't deserve any of it. I couldn't help wondering whether those old shaming parts were reacting to the joy itself, almost as if they were saying, "Don't get too comfortable. Don't forget who you are." That sounds incredibly exhausting.

And perhaps there is one more possibility. I sometimes wonder whether dreams like these can also be part of integration; not because they feel good, but because your mind is finally trying to process experiences that it couldn't process before.

I don't know whether any of these ideas — or perhaps some combination of them — is true, but I hope these dreams don't erase the fact that those first two days were real. The peace was real too. 💛

If it were me, I'd also gently remind myself that two things can be true at the same time: these old feelings can be surfacing, and I can still let myself notice the beauty around me. The kindness of the people. The sea. The magic of the island. Not because you're denying what's happening inside, but because that beautiful place is real too. Maybe those moments of beauty and attunement are part of the healing as well.

I hope you're still able to soak up little moments of your holiday, one at a time. And if today is simply a hard day, I hope tomorrow lets a little more of that peace back in. You deserve those moments just as much as anyone else.

Wow, so incredibly insightful and beautiful. Thank you for this. And you reminded me of the other things my therapist has said that I totally forgot about in my frazzled state - yes, she has said to remind myself that after periods of good stuff, the brain can bring up stuff to the surface when things are finally 'good' cus it feels like there is finally space for it, you're absolutely right! And also that it is part of the integration process. I needed to read all this, gosh, its so hard to remember things like this when in the thick of it. It just feels like being engulfed by all the bad stuff, with little ability to rationalise.
And I loved how you described seeing it as a duality and that two things can be true at once...I will try to do this today. I'm going to go up to the roof deck pool/sun lounge area and try to be okay inbetween the 2 worlds.
Thank you, so much.

[NarcKiddo]

I hope you can rest and enjoy the beauty of the island.

Maybe the feelings will be a bit like the waves lapping on the shore. They are stronger and come up further when the tide is coming in, but the tide will go out again.