Starting my journal

[holidayay]

I was hoping to do a blog post tonight but...I have been having such a severe attack of Toxic Shame that I feel exhausted by it. Its so hard currently to find understanding and compassion for myself to offset it. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of myself for seemingly weirdo behaviour from decades ago....the memories just keep attacking me. I wish it would stop. I wish I had had the support and guidance and love and care at the time that I could have had a healthy sense of self who spearheaded my actions instead of floundering and acting out of desperation and hopelessness and misguided fantasy thinking....I wish, I wish, I wish. I'm so sad at all of this and I know I shouldn't be, but I'm angry at myself for not having known everything about everything from a young age to not have ended up like this and angry at myself now for not healing enough to get past this.
Its so hard. Today is a tough day.
The past few days were hard too. 3 days at work where I felt tired, drained and irritable. Lots of people asking me for things from all directions and I ended up snapping at a senior, which may or may not come back to bite me.

I wish I could just be away from myself at the moment, this is so hard 

[TheBigBlue]

That sounds incredibly painful... I'm really sorry you're in this right now. 💛

The way you describe it: those memories coming in waves and turning into shame, that can feel so relentless and exhausting. It makes sense that you're worn down by it.

I hear how much you're wishing things had been different, that you had been supported and held in a way that would have given you something steadier to stand on. There's so much sadness in that ... and also how hard you're being on yourself for things that happened when you didn't have what you needed.

I don't need to say "be compassionate with yourself" - you already know that, and you would say the same to anyone here who is hurting. But the truth is, it can be so, so hard. So no, you don't have to push this away or fix it tonight or pretend. Just getting through a day like this is already a lot.

I'm really glad you shared it here. I resonate with how you feel. You're not alone in this. 💛