Starting my journal

[holidayay]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.. I believe they are quite reasonable thoughts...and I wish it wasn't this way too!!
Forgive me if this isn't helpful or relevant please ...
I don't feel it's so hopeless though (well not always).. even if I can't imagine ever having the time or money to do what it is that is likely needed to ever fully get better.
I know it seems never-ending.. (Does it ever!!!!), but I do believe there are beautiful spots of healing along the way. Those are the spots that keep me going. I hope you find some beauty.. whether it's your compassion, love, whatever gift comes from your suffering and pain.
I do wish you much peace and happiness. You deserve that! we all do

Thank you for understanding and the little ray of sunshine hope you mention, i can imagine it guiding you like  little flicker of a warm candle 

[holidayay]

Gloomy weather here all too happy to reflect back feelings of despair  constantly waiting for it to be a bit nicer.
Sleep is bad again. Dreams are heavy and emotional.
Not interested in doing anything when I am awake.
Off work for the week and been wasting time scrolling on the internet, to run from these thoughts.
Can things just get better, in time for Spring, please?

[Hope67]

Hi Holidayay,
I hope that things will get better, as you hope, in time for the Spring. 
Hope 

[holidayay]

Every night has been filled with nightmares and emotions that actually wake me up, recently. Its exhausting.
Feelings of worry, stress, shame, panic and then beyond that...utter helplessness when it gets the point of i have no idea what to do/this is beyond anything i know about.
I was often left to feel this way as a kid. My mum and older siblings left no topic unexposed. There was no fight, no insults, no dysfunction left out of view of us children. I would watch them and listen to them in horror, my chest tightening and my heart pounding.
Looking back, I am horrified and disgusted at how selfish they were. And the lack of empathy was astonishing.

I spent most of my childhood feeling the way that is now showing up in my dreams. Worrying, trying to make things make sense, trying to bridge the gap between the insanity at home and the 'normality' of everyone else at school - i often felt ostracised and ashamed. I could feel people's judgement of my family. And who could blame them? My mum's narcissism had leaked out at times to the wider world, it was embarrassing.
When she didn't get what she wanted to people, she deemed them the devil and shunned them. Eventually she was left with hardly anyone, and wanted us to be isolated with her.
I was reading a book earlier about a girl's friendships over the years. How they have shaped her, how having them over many diffferent stages of her life has rooted her.
I felt a pang of sadness and jealousy. I didn't have that.
My mum never cared to pay attention to me when i was young.To my issues, my concerns, or whatever was going on in my life. I don't remember a single conversation we had about my day at school, or answering any questions about my feelings, thoughts, what i'd seen, what was coming up, my concerns. Nothing of that sort. Except, weirdly, when it came to having friends who wanted to invite me out.
Suddenly she was the most hyper-alert person in the world, highly sensitive to ANY data relating to this.
A friend i had when i was 9 invited me out to her birthday. I was immeditely terrified. My mum gave me a look of scornful disgust and bellowed a 'no' in unnecessarily nasty, venomous form.
When I was around 14, my classmate K hosted a big bday party. I was so excited to receive an invite. By that point, i had often taken to meandering around the city, alone, to get out of the house. My mum never cared when i did that. But when she sensed i would be going out with a purpose, she had a radar for it, and HATED it. She used those opportunities to turn into a banshee, to spew vitriol at me, to make sure my mood and day was ruined.
I hated her for it. If i dared to go to spite her, i wouldn't enjoy it. I'd be terrified of what she would say and do when i'd get home. to the point of being completely distracted and dissociated from the event itself. I was in no state for friends to get to know me or to enjoy my company. Completely emotionally unavailable due to her panic-inducing hate speech prior to the event.
This event, i decided to go anyway. I felt depressed and anxious. I had to walk there myself, since she had gone from bellowing at me, to giving me the silent treatment to fully ensure my evening was ruined so i would not go out. I went anyway. I didn't know the directions and got lost and eventually had to ask an old couple for directions, who drove me there themselves.
The party was an evening of dissociation after my mum's temper explosion has sent my nerves into overdrive.
Before the party even ended, my mum and brother turn up outside in his car, seething. You could see she was about to burst with anger. Suddenly she DID care to know details, suddenly she COULD get me to and from an event and actually turn up. To make sure I am shipped home as soon as possible. Which always puzzled me because once home, she didn't seem to care one bit about my presence. So why care so damn much about me going out, when going out involves me having fun?

I honestly felt like she was only ever satisfied when i was at home, miserable and my mental health declining to her stoop.
All she did at home was talk about herself, or sulk moodily. Or lash out at us and scream obscenities.
I hate her.
I hate her so much.
I actually hate her with every fibre of my being.

Because of her, I spent my youth frying my nervous system with worries about HER: her temper tantrums, her vile words, the emotional terror she would impose on me...instead of feeling free to develop friendships and have hobbies. The darkness inside that came out of that leaks out of me, everytime i am stressed at all.
I worry about invisible horror and darkness.
I constantly feel dissociated and scared and on edge.
There are no close friends from decades ago: nobody bothered to invite me after the disastrous attempts to join them, and they all moved on with their lives. Somehow they all feel like shadow people from my past now, i can't imagine any of them being real.
All i can imagine is my mum's seething anger and jealousy and resentment.
There's no bond there, at all.
I find her utterly repulsive.

[paul72]

hi holidayay
I'm so sorry for everything you've written.
I can relate to a fair bit.. the lack of friendships, the hatred towards your mother; mine also lashed out irrationally (pretty hard for me to use the word hate yet - i just "progressed" to angry )...
It is crazy-making and I'm sorry.
I hope writing it down helped in some way, and I hope you can be extra kind to yourself today. You deserve THAT as opposed to all the rest you got
Thank you for sharing.

[holidayay]

hi holidayay
I'm so sorry for everything you've written.
I can relate to a fair bit.. the lack of friendships, the hatred towards your mother; mine also lashed out irrationally (pretty hard for me to use the word hate yet - i just "progressed" to angry )...
It is crazy-making and I'm sorry.
I hope writing it down helped in some way, and I hope you can be extra kind to yourself today. You deserve THAT as opposed to all the rest you got
Thank you for sharing.

Thank you for your kindness Phil72. I am trying. I made myself some banana bread yesterday to...idk, i feel a bit cringey saying it still, but to do something nice fo my inner child. Banana bread seems like something a wholesome, loving parent might bake for their child?
I have a therapy session today which will hopefully also help.

[Mary Ann]

Hi, just wanted to say the last few paragraphs of what you wrote really resonated with me.
As a teenager I was stuck at home with my abusive Mother, who's moods and demands and lashing out terrified me. Everything was all about her, and instead of gradually becoming more independant, making friends, and discovering my own taste for things, I was at home, trapped with my mental health declining.
No one in the community would have anything to do with me, or help because everyone knew my Mother was odd....and they were, looking back intimidated by her.
I feel nothing for my Mother but revulsion and fear, even now...and she's in her eighties.
I can't bear to be in the same room as her. She disgusts me.
I hate the way I had to behave around her.
It's bitter making, because my childhood damaged my ability to do everything! Feel comfortable with relationships, feel comfortable being alive on the planet...it touches everything.
I just wanted to say, I read that you hate your  Mother, and I can really empathise!
I'm so sorry you didn't have a nice Mum, an ordinary one, who baked cake and asked you about your day, and who you didn't need to worry about!
Baking yourself some banana bread sounds a nice thing to do.
Hope you can sit and eat some with a nice cup of tea and relax a bit.
Sending best wishes

[holidayay]

Hi, just wanted to say the last few paragraphs of what you wrote really resonated with me.
As a teenager I was stuck at home with my abusive Mother, who's moods and demands and lashing out terrified me. Everything was all about her, and instead of gradually becoming more independant, making friends, and discovering my own taste for things, I was at home, trapped with my mental health declining.
No one in the community would have anything to do with me, or help because everyone knew my Mother was odd....and they were, looking back intimidated by her.
I feel nothing for my Mother but revulsion and fear, even now...and she's in her eighties.
I can't bear to be in the same room as her. She disgusts me.
I hate the way I had to behave around her.
It's bitter making, because my childhood damaged my ability to do everything! Feel comfortable with relationships, feel comfortable being alive on the planet...it touches everything.
I just wanted to say, I read that you hate your  Mother, and I can really empathise!
I'm so sorry you didn't have a nice Mum, an ordinary one, who baked cake and asked you about your day, and who you didn't need to worry about!
Baking yourself some banana bread sounds a nice thing to do.
Hope you can sit and eat some with a nice cup of tea and relax a bit.
Sending best wishes

I'm so sorry for your lost childhood too. I would have been your friend. In another parallel universe, where we ARE allowed the same rights as the other children, you would be invited to every birthday party I throw. I don't know if you read one of my earlier posts about being rejected from a Mcdonald's birthday party when i was a kid - well, all that would be the opposite and all us CPTSD kids would have the best parties, with unicorns and fairies coming to life to stroke away our tears and cuddle us out of our loneliness.
Maybe it seems tragic + pathetic to story-tell like this, but I absolutely believe this is what traumatised kids deserve. They deserve the warmth and love of the whole world. I wish I could give it to them, to us, to all kids who need it.

[paul72]

I'm so sorry for your lost childhood too. I would have been your friend. In another parallel universe, where we ARE allowed the same rights as the other children, you would be invited to every birthday party I throw. I don't know if you read one of my earlier posts about being rejected from a Mcdonald's birthday party when i was a kid - well, all that would be the opposite and all us CPTSD kids would have the best parties, with unicorns and fairies coming to life to stroke away our tears and cuddle us out of our loneliness.
Maybe it seems tragic + pathetic to story-tell like this, but I absolutely believe this is what traumatised kids deserve. They deserve the warmth and love of the whole world. I wish I could give it to them, to us, to all kids who need it.

This is about the sweetest thing I have ever read.
I want to come too

[Mary Ann]

Just curious, and I hope you don't mind me asking?
Did you ever have imaginary friends as a child?

[holidayay]

I'm so sorry for your lost childhood too. I would have been your friend. In another parallel universe, where we ARE allowed the same rights as the other children, you would be invited to every birthday party I throw. I don't know if you read one of my earlier posts about being rejected from a Mcdonald's birthday party when i was a kid - well, all that would be the opposite and all us CPTSD kids would have the best parties, with unicorns and fairies coming to life to stroke away our tears and cuddle us out of our loneliness.
Maybe it seems tragic + pathetic to story-tell like this, but I absolutely believe this is what traumatised kids deserve. They deserve the warmth and love of the whole world. I wish I could give it to them, to us, to all kids who need it.

This is about the sweetest thing I have ever read.
I want to come too

You would absolutely be welcome, too. My cat would love you to come too, she loves humans and the more, the merrier in her book. If you like fluffy cuddles, she'd want to come hang out with you all 

[holidayay]

Just curious, and I hope you don't mind me asking?
Did you ever have imaginary friends as a child?

I don't mind you asking at all 
I didn't have imaginary friends but I did very much live in my imagination. I'd imagine what it was like for teachers to adopt me, or what the future could be like - all the exciting ways I could make it different. And I'd imagine games like anything blue I found on the floor would be leading me to a trail of secret messages.
Did you?
I can see how children might make up imaginary friends to comfort them, as a makeshift world where their needs and longings could be met.

[Mary Ann]

Not imaginary friends...but I had a whole made up land in my head with legends and poetry and art...a whole culture really.
From the age of around 8 I had another person (I never tell anyone this) she was like a better version of me...and she had no Mother! She didn't need anyone!
She's called Mary Ann(that's why I chose this name for here) and as I grew older she was the version of me that loved art and writing and music etc.
She disappeared when I was in my late teens and was gone for years. She came back when I started writing about  my issues and abuse etc. sounds weird but if I ever do creative writing, (just for myself) or appreciate music or spirituality, it's like I'm wearing her head....even now.
So the fantasy world she lived in gave me hours of distraction as a kid, I was absorbed in it....but even as a kid I knew THAT was pretend, and so I outgrew it....but Mary Ann isn't pretend....she's another aspect of me in a way.
I've names for the other aspects, but I'm just telling you her for an example.
Crumbs I hope that doesn't sound too weird!
It's a lovely spring day here. If I were a kid and could do nice stuff, I'd call for a friend and say 'do you want to play out?'  and we'd ride bikes or do skipping.

[holidayay]

Not imaginary friends...but I had a whole made up land in my head with legends and poetry and art...a whole culture really.
From the age of around 8 I had another person (I never tell anyone this) she was like a better version of me...and she had no Mother! She didn't need anyone!
She's called Mary Ann(that's why I chose this name for here) and as I grew older she was the version of me that loved art and writing and music etc.
She disappeared when I was in my late teens and was gone for years. She came back when I started writing about  my issues and abuse etc. sounds weird but if I ever do creative writing, (just for myself) or appreciate music or spirituality, it's like I'm wearing her head....even now.
So the fantasy world she lived in gave me hours of distraction as a kid, I was absorbed in it....but even as a kid I knew THAT was pretend, and so I outgrew it....but Mary Ann isn't pretend....she's another aspect of me in a way.
I've names for the other aspects, but I'm just telling you her for an example.
Crumbs I hope that doesn't sound too weird!
It's a lovely spring day here. If I were a kid and could do nice stuff, I'd call for a friend and say 'do you want to play out?'  and we'd ride bikes or do skipping.

I think Mary Ann sounds wonderful. And as you said, is a part of you. Maybe the child you intuitively felt who you really were and what your true self looks like when stripped bare of all the layers that were NOT you, but were done to you. She sounds interesting, caring, fun and sparkly.
Thank you for telling me. Its a privilege to hear your secret world.
Its lovely here too, happy spring equinox day! Your day outside riding bikes and skipping sounds like fun. If I were a kid, I'd ask if I could join you too and get a box of strawberries for us to share. I also recently bought myself paint by numbers and it has two pictures to paint in, I'd be bursting with excitement to ask a friend if they'd like to paint my pictures with me.
There's something comforting about saying freely all i want, from a place of joy, and for it not to be squashed with shaming, rejection and mocking.

[Mary Ann]

That would be fun....sat at a kitchen table with open windows and lots of daylight in a happy relaxed house doing painting.
I like to do jigsaw puzzles, not ones with scenery on.....but bright cartooney ones, or with storybook type illustrations of wildlife... I'd never don't a jigsaw as a kid, not once and so I do now.
Also, my family didn't ever buy things like stationery, or notebooks...not even pens and pencils really, and all girls love nice stationery don't they? So whenever I get stuff for my daughter, I like to get some nice gel pens, or a lovely notebook for me too....painting by numbers sounds really relaxing