Starting my journal

[stilltrying]

Day 10 of isolation. Final day, hurrah!

What a difference a night of better sleep makes. I always forget not to underestimate how much some symptoms can really be worsened by poor sleep. I had awful, anxious, emotion-heavy dreams for a few nights before yesterday and my mood has really plummeted as a result. I was catastrophising, had brain fog, poor concentration, extremely low mood and inner critic has gone beserk. Ended up calling Samaritans yesterday after waking up on the verge of tears and told them all about my dreams and how much they were affecting me and it really helped - i always forget how the smallest of things really can help - they reminded me how much of a difference sleep makes to our day and our wellbeing and suggested getting in touch with my doctor for some sleeping aids - a simple task which i just don't think of when my mental state is triggered. So I made an appointment with my GP for today and it felt really good to be doing something about it - a proactive approach and to know I'll be able to get medicine that will help if sleep starts to get really tricky again.
And thankfully i managed to sleep well yesterday! Very relieved about this.

[stilltrying]

Having a bit of a wobble moment today amongst many positive updates.
Its that sudden feeling that sometimes strikes....like being struck with a needle injecting into my system a cocktail of loneliness, terror, fear and guilt.
Its horrible and scary.
Its a feeling in the pit of my stomach, a swirling blizzard that expands out throughout my body until i feel a bit sick/dizzy. Like I'm the only person left on the world.
As though my FOO who i loved despite their dysfunction, have all died and all the abuse is nothing but sands of memories.
I feel scared to let them down, to do things that would make them disappointed.
Likewise, when I feel good and am doing good positive things, I wish I could include them.
I've been good with exercise recently and walked an hour and a half to do my weekly food shop. I found lots of good, healthy ingredients that got me excited about cooking again, and the positive feelings that came over me whilst I was stood in the aisles made me cry. I stood frozen and cried - my life has all come together and that end results only came about without a single family member left in it. Why did it have to be like this?
I cried for all the happy memories we don't and can't and won't have.
And for all the goodness and success and peace and wonderful things in my life I can't share with them.
And for all the horrible times that they, too, endured, and never seemed to get out of.
And for the 2 family members who have passed away, both in quite a lot of suffering.

I wish I could take it all away from all of them, from everyone else out there in the world who has to deal with this. The pain can be unbearable. I cried all the way to the check outs and on my way home. These tears of raw pain can feel so much more intense...almost hot and sting the skin. Its like releasing small bits of a reservoir of unbearable pain.

[Armee]

It sounds like a lot of pain and you have so much beautiful compassion.

[stilltrying]

It sounds like a lot of pain and you have so much beautiful compassion.

Some happy news amongst the pain

Thank you Armee. There is so much pain there. Its so overwhelming. When I lean into it, I can feel it for an evening before it floods my whole system and I'm too overwhelmed and cannot think or locate any feeling. Maybe that's dissociation, I don't know.
The past few days since my visit to the supermarket were full of this flooding of emotions. My sleep, disturbed and full of dreams and heavy feelings. I had another job interview today which I was excited to prepare for, but found I could barely manage beyond 30 mins of reading before giving up. There's just no room in my brain when my system is flooded like that. Every day, it wasn't easing up: despite going for walks, distraction techniques, calling friends...I started the netflix show 'sweet magnolias' and fictional as it may be, the delicate and acute ways in which the characters portray concern for the welfare of each other, their children made me freeze up. My family would jeer and mock such tender displays of caring for others, never mind children. If you were little, you didn't matter 1 bit. If you were a teenager, you were a madam with an attitude who needed putting in her place. No needs were acknowledged; basic or otherwise.
It made me remember when I was a teenager, and kept as lowkey as possible to not give them trouble. Focused on studying and getting good grades. I did nothing but study. Then one day, I overheard my mum and brother talking. She was spitting out her words, and muttering darkly: 'now its time to find her a husband before she becomes troublesome' and talking about setting me up with a potential match who knew my brother - a man in his 20s. I froze, hearing all this. She spoke about me like I was a piece of garbage, an item, a THING to be 'dealt with'. She didn't even see me as human. At all. In that moment, I felt like I would never amount to anything more than a 'nothing' no matter how agreeable I was, no matter how helpful or beneficial I was, or how well my grades were, how much I could make them proud of me. Argh, this is a bit too much for me to go towards right now, I wish my brain would stop taking me there for a bit this evening. Therapy tomorrow, at least. Anyway...

I felt a mixture of being frustrated and angry with myself in the lead-up to the interview for not being able to snap out of it.
I had the interview this morning.

I thought I'd done pretty badly. I wasn't as eloquent and smooth in my answers as I could have been. The last question - a clinical scenario, my mind went blank at one point and the interviewer was probing me to give me answers. I freaked out and felt so utterly disappointed, ashamed, a failure...

And then, i got a phone call later.....I got the job! I was so happy I think I squealed down the phone and thanked her!
I honestly don't know how I got through these past 3 days of being 'triggered' and completely PTSD'ed, with no relief whilst awake AND asleep. But I did, and I succeeded in the interview.

Every storm passes.

[Snowdrop]

Congratulations!

[Armee]

 

Yay! That's fantastic. It's funny not funny how certain we can be of our utter failure when others think we are rocking it.

[stilltrying]

Thanks guys! I'm very pleased and looking forward to starting 

I'm back to having emotional dreams again. Not the nightmare, terrifying, horrifying type. No.
I've been having a lot of dreams that are filled with emotions. Deep emotions that I perhaps stop myself from feeling during the day.
Before it was the guilt and missing of my FOO. Feeling sorry for them. Needing to help, getting anxious and worried about them. All things i stopped doing a few years ago and its like my system was still programmed to do that so didn't stop feeling those things..so it came out in my dreams.
And now its some of the fantasy thinking i used to do a lot with regards to relationships. I stopped indulging in this too, once i realised how much it leads to missing red flags and generally bad outcomes.
Again, its like my system hasn't fully caught on that 'we won't be using this coping mechanisms anymore' and is dying to do them whenever i feel bad or empty.....like how i always used to as a kid, and it almost feels betrayed that i reject this coping mechanism?! So then it happens in my dreams. Fantasy romantic partnerships. It feels so real and nice and then when i wake up, i feel so triggered, and lost, and not in control anymore. And worried that my nervous system will never get into the habit of recognising anything else other than the dysfunctional habits, as coping strategies.

I'm trying to apply the things i learnt in therapy. To go lovingly towards these dreams and to thank them for guiding me towards whats going on inside, with processing. I think its because ive recently started approaching dating very differently - and it certainly isn't easy to go to what feels most natural (attraction to many red flagged men) and to be honest, it feels annoying, weird, odd, and like the sparkly fun of attraction has been taken out of it. I hate even saying this. I think i havent yet fully figured out when im not attracted to someone because they genuinely are not a good match, versus not having the initial attraction because they are healthy and not what im used to - something i know can be common when meeting people who arent toxic after its all we're used to. I was on an extremely boring and awkward date, the guy did not have good social awareness skills, and i reasoned i should give him a chance and sat through a very tedious second date before getting annoyed with myself and thinking, i can also trust myself to recognise when im not having a good time.
Healthy may mean not what we're used to, but it shouldn't also mean tediously boring, difficult and lacking any commanlities.

These things all sound so obvious but ive found as im treading the murky waters of recovery, its the little things like this that we need to unlearn and -relearn and it will take some trial and error. Such as abandoning old ideas of love and fantasies, and giving guys a chance who aren't the usual type to trigger a spark. But then questions will be raised - what then is the difference for us between a spark not being triggered because they're healthy versus because they're just incompatible? I.e. learning to trust myself, and my own decision-making and intuition.
Its difficult. Some of the wiring still needs redoing.
And in the meantime, it feels like my brain has so many new things with being challenged, ordered to do things differently to what worked as a child, that its getting overwhelmed and confused and sleep is the only time i leave it alone to bring up whatever.

Sigh. this might not even make much sense, im rambling a lot.

[Armee]

You're not rambling at all. Dating sounds very confusing! And I know with my issues trusting myself it would be very hard to know what is a right fit, what is a bad fit, what are red flags, and what are my own issues.

[holidayay]

I finally got access back on my original account! Thank you Kizzie, I've been wanting to get back on here and update for the past few weeks and just couldn't seem to find a way.

Anyway. What a wild 3 months its been since i last posted.

Firstly, I started my new job. Its been 2 months already! The time has flown by. I've been learning so much - both professionally and personally. It has been....such a mixed bag and so much heavy processing.
I started off this job (in a new speciality) of which I knew very little. The amount I know now compared to when I started feels huge. I'm proud of myself and yet, still struggle with feeling like a failure for not knowing it before, or not knowing more, or looking like an idiot/a disappointment in front of the senior doctors. One of the consultants has a managerial, slightly heavy-handed approach. I'm not sure yet if she's a threat to my sense of peace yet - she seems to come down hard but on the other hand, she seems like she may do it because she wants us to learn and be the best we can be. I don't know yet, for sure, she got the wrong end of the stick on one occasion where she didn't know the facts, and called me to have a rant at me, which I didn't appreciate at all. I was so nervous after that, as this is all too reminiscient of the heavy-handed, jumping to conclusions and reactive approaches my family did, but I took a deep breath and calmly explained the situation to her and she listened, to be fair and took it onboard. I'm not fully there yet on the emotional dysregulation front - i felt myself shrinking and getting triggered around her, but definitely not as much as I would have done before, so i think that's a sign of progress.
It was a bit disappointing at first, because the first month, when she was away on annual leave, i felt like i'd landed in the best team and that i was so lucky - everyone was/is kind, helpful, and sweet. I felt a bit like i was dragged back into my old life of fear, anxiety, self-doubt when she came back but....it did not cripple me or take over. I'm taking on a wait and see approach and not reacting as quickly by: crumbling, hiding, breaking down like i did before. I'm not sure yet how this new approach will pan out but....for now, its okay.

Therapy has taken a back seat for about 6 weeks now. First it was the christmas holidays, then my therapist was off sick, and then my working schedule was too busy. It re-starts next week and i have to say, the long breaks whilst in the throes of heavy processing work really do have such a big effect! Its crazy, when i have regular therapy, things seem so much more positive, manageable, hopeful that i feel i can manage on my own.....a few weeks away from it and it dissolves quickly. My therapist said at the beginning this is long term work, perhaps for 2 years or so, and i can so see why now. Its maintenance work after the initial acute stages.

I dipped my toe in the dating pool again. I felt generally more settled and stable in november/december and decided i'd try exploring dating apps a bit. I went on  few dates and wow....i have learnt SO much from this too! I had some good dates, bad ones, boring ones, weird ones..and a VERY intense one where i think we both triggered each other and it made me realise the importance of things just being FUN at the beginning. Super important.
I decided to take a break after feeling a bit burnt out from it but im glad i did it, because ive come away having a lot more self-assurance and knowing way better what i do and don't want.
A few days after deciding to stop dating, i worked with a guy i hadnt worked with before and we had one of the best shifts i'd had. It was so easy to talk to him; we chatted, laughed a lot, i felt i could show my silly, jokey side and he was just lovely to be in the company of. I don't know much about him - some of my inner grelim speak started popping up the next day and i started feeling like my child self - that men like this would always have and deserve someone a LOT better than me  - I'm not pretty enough, or 'normal' enough, or stable, or have a lovely normal family, or just simply deserving or worthy at all. I hate this inner critic voice - it urges me to shrink away before i get any ideas above my station to make friends or associate with nice, kind, smart people like that - they would run a mile if they really knew who i really was!? I know this is all distorted thinking but man, does it hurt and feel SO REAL when triggered.
Anyway, I haven't seen him since, but he did text me later that night thanking me for all my help, which was really nice - again, not used to this kind of kindness or being thought of.

But meeting him made me think.....there were plenty of nice, kind men/people like him along the way.....and i remember in my teens and early 20's feeling like i could never possibly have anything in common with anyone like that and instead leaning towards troublesome, problematic, chaotic, unrealiable, negative, toxic people and it made me feel so sad at how little i knew, how unhealthy my whole outlook was, how much i missed out on because of these negative core beliefs. I rejected healthy friendships, men all the time without even realising.....just because i instantly felt awful and unworthy and inferior and i never questioned those feelings, instead letting them guide me towards picking the more familiar, negative people who did reinforce my feelings of unworthiness.

What a lot to untangle. I wish I had known more of this sooner.
Is it too late? Guys like this colleague - I am sure they can't possibly be single at my age (early 30s) and they also already have long-term, well-established friendships from years ago....how do you suddenly start playing catch up with healthy people when all the things they already know and live by, you're ONLY just learning now?! I genuinely had no idea how to accept reciprociy, being listened to, respected, ....even now it blows my mind when someone sits and listens to the end of every sentence i say and doesnt interject/talk over me/dismiss me/put me down/invalidate/bully/mock me.

Will this learning even be worth it if it is too late and trying to create a new wholesome life based on my lessons isn't feasible since....i may have missed the boat?
I would love to think i could have a loving family of my own one day with a loving healthy partner. I love kids. I'd love to be a mum. But i worry its all too late.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your update.  It sounds like you are finding what works for you and are exploring how manage moments that come up that in the past you may have responded to differently.  I hope that you find ease in navigating the type of relationship and future you hope to have. 

[Hope67]

Hi Holidayay,
I just wanted to say 'welcome back' and that I read your update, and wanted to congratulate you on your new job, and that I wish you the best with everything.  I really hope that you do get to enjoy the future you want to, and that it goes well.  Your work team sound really nice.
Hope 

[holidayay]

Thank you guys.

Its stormy here today in London. The winds are so strong, people are advised to stay at home. Which sucks because i finished night shifts yesterday and was hoping to go visit another city for a break.

Trigger warning
I've been feeling some anger recently. And maybe what I imagine some people will call unreasonable thoughts. But they are how I feel.
I've been feeling resentment and rage that our healing from awful childhoods consists of going through terrible healthcare systems (at least here, its terrible) where you are often met with jugement and intolerance and only receive help if you are absolutely at the edge.   All the ways in which you are wired up wrong for the world but right for dealing with your abusive parents makes you seem weird, unloveable, odd. There's no way of undoing it, so the best bet is to spend on expensive therapy where inevitably you will hear all the ways in which you are wired up badly and the work you have to do next to try to heal.
Work, work, work, work, work.
The initial childhood was unpaid labour trying to navigate beasts, everything in life on top of that feels like huge work because of the energy apped on dealing with the beasts and then yo go for help and its more....work.
And i get it, i dont need yet another cynical, depressive stern voice saying 'well that's the reality of life im afraid'.
No, its the reality for those of us born unlucky.
Childen in healthy families are not torn apart before they even know how to put words to their feelings. Then they grow upto be adults with an abundance of resources and self love, which only begets more resources and love. Those who are pre-loved, find it a lot easier to continue to be loved. Their partners are usually kind, understanding, have good comunication skills and if the they stumble, they catch them.
Childhood abuse is an exponential journey through darkness and the interruption to this thats necessary for healing, society does not allow for: time and money. You still have to go to work. You still have to pay bills.
Healing through traua will uncover all the horror and your boss mostly won't care, nor will many people have time for listening and empathising.,

I can't help but think: if you're born into this doom, what's the point?

[rainydiary]

I'm sorry you aren't able to go out and about like you hoped you would.  I appreciate your reflections on the systems and unseen labor we navigate for healing.  I have had similar thoughts and get tired from all the effort.  I don't have any wisdom on this, I just resonated with what you wrote especially the "exponential journey." 

[holidayay]

I'm sorry you aren't able to go out and about like you hoped you would.  I appreciate your reflections on the systems and unseen labor we navigate for healing.  I have had similar thoughts and get tired from all the effort.  I don't have any wisdom on this, I just resonated with what you wrote especially the "exponential journey."

Thanks rainydiary. It sucks, doesn't it.  I am sorry you are in this too

[paul72]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.. I believe they are quite reasonable thoughts...and I wish it wasn't this way too!!
Forgive me if this isn't helpful or relevant please ...
I don't feel it's so hopeless though (well not always).. even if I can't imagine ever having the time or money to do what it is that is likely needed to ever fully get better.
I know it seems never-ending.. (Does it ever!!!!), but I do believe there are beautiful spots of healing along the way. Those are the spots that keep me going. I hope you find some beauty.. whether it's your compassion, love, whatever gift comes from your suffering and pain.
I do wish you much peace and happiness. You deserve that! we all do