Snowdrop's journal

[owl25]

I've never heard this joke either and it made me laugh too. Thanks for sharing it

[Dante]

That's a new one to me too, but I smiled.   Thanks for sharing.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
Your joke is funny.  I laughed.   
Sending you a hug 
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

 

Feeling quite shaky and upset this afternoon. I don't like saying this, but I think I caught F gaslighting me. I don't want to say what happened, but it's destabilising, and it's made me begin to doubt myself. Which is further confirmation of gaslighting.

On the plus side, I think this is the first time I've recognised gaslighting when it's happening. I recognise the impact it has.

Edit: I found this link on gaslighting helpful: https://www.scarymommy.com/gaslighting-parent/

[Snowdrop]

Something else I want to note is that I'm blaming myself for the gaslighting. I queried something he said, so I feel as though I caused that reaction. Why did I do that? Why didn't I just stay quiet? I know what he's like. I should've known how he'd react.

I'm scared of further repercussions.

I generally try to use the grey rock technique. Thus usually works. But I feel as though yesterday I let my guard down.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
I wanted to reply to you yesterday, as I read the article you shared, and felt strongly for you, that you'd been subjected to gaslighting.  I am so sorry you've had to experience that again with your F, and I see you're blaming yourself - but honestly, you're a human, you responded to a difficult situation, and there's no 'right' or 'wrong' to that (at least I think so).  Horrible that you have been put in that situation, and I really hope you can be safe from your fear of further repercussions from it. 


Hope 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you so much for your support, Hope. I needed it.

I still feel very .

[BeeKeeper]

Hi Snowdrop,

I too appreciate the link and learned a lot from it. It's very thorough! If you were able to recognize that your F did that, it means you're trusting yourself as a priority.

I think this is the first time I've recognised gaslighting when it's happening. I recognise the impact it has.

Even though it seems to be an inevitable reaction

Something else I want to note is that I'm blaming myself for the gaslighting.

I'd like to propose it's the newness of the experience where habits live."Of course you are to blame"', but in reality, it's probably just your brain pushing out into forming new networks, so you can confront again, with some sense of confidence. Standing up to parents is a big deal, always awkward and uncomfortable. You have my admiration for taking a stand.

[sanmagic7]

oh, snowdrop, feeling sad and angry for you that this happened.  you didn't cause anything regarding his reaction.  the gaslighting is there, and i'm just glad you recognized it.  self-doubt is definitely a repercussion of gaslighting, and it's a horrible feeling to question yourself, what you said, what you did, what you know to be true.  i think it's one of the cruelest things a person can do to another, to mess with your mind.  sending love and a hug filled with knowing your truth.

[Snowdrop]

Thanks for the support, Bee . It could be that I'm trusting myself more, but at this point I don't have any intention of querying anything he says again. It's not worth the repercussions. F's reactions tend to be "I feel bad because of x" -> "x made me feel bad" -> "how dare x make me feel bad!" -> "x attacked me!" -> "I must retaliate and attack x". It basically means that anything I say can be thrown back at me tenfold, and the pain isn't worth it.

San, your comments about how cruel gaslighting is really rang true and brought good tears to my eyes. Thank you . You're right, it's an act of cruelty.

Growing up, this happened all the time. It was like trying to build a life on shifting sands. Sometimes I'm amazed I survived.

[Armee]

Gas lighting is really upsetting to experience. It's harmful when you don't see it happening and harmful when you do. It seems like the only solution sometimes is to find a way to turn it on ourselves, to find a way to make it our fault because that feels like the only way it makes sense and the only way we can fix it.

I'm not sure if that's what is happening for you when you blame yourself for questioning something he said or for letting your guard down...but it is what I would always do. Find a way that it's my fault.

Whether that rings true for you or is just my own experience, gaslighting is such a corrosive environment to be raised in, to have your brain formed in. I'm sorry, Snowdrop. And I'm proud of you for questioning him. I know it's difficult, and it doesn't change him or how he behaves, but it's like planting a little flag in the ground saying "I see this and it's not ok."

[Snowdrop]

That's helpful, Armee . I guess one of the things with the self-blame is trying to find control in a situation where there is no control. Trying to make sense of it. Plus I was always told it was my fault, whatever I said or did, or didn't say and do. There was no outward escape, and I never found any way of stopping the gaslighting. It happened regardless.

It was easier for me to see HB's behaviour as abusive because there was PV. That was the gateway to seeing other ways in which he was abusive, and I was only able to begin to see this when I was no longer in contact with him. With F, it's much, much harder.

[BeeKeeper]

Snowdrop,

I find a lot of good things in your thought processes and your ability to figure it out and name your F's "logic" because that means you are able to untangle the words and thoughts, instead of being left to simmer in his intended goal, to shut you down, or up, and to maintain the upper hand. Since it's all about control, being able to take control of yourself is very important. We can't necessarily get the confirmation or satisfaction we need from those who have hurt us, but we can learn how they operate and place ourselves out of reach or so neutral, their tactics don't work.

[Snowdrop]

Thanks for the encouragement, Bee.

I'm still getting tearful over F's behaviour. I recognise that I've been having EFs, and my hypervigilance has been through the roof. When the phone rang yesterday, I felt very frightened and my heart rate increased.

I've been reflecting on my reactions.
1. It's a pattern.
2. It's the first time he's done it over the pandemic, so I feel a bit more trapped.
3. I've been under a lot of stress.
4. I was just starting to unwind, which is probably why I let my guard down (not blaming myself, just acknowledging).
5. I'm probably more aware of my responses and what's going on.

It's felt as though there are energy cords pumping poison into me. I'm not obliged to accept this poison, so I'll journey later on to investigate them, and cut off the poison. This feels like the right thing to do.

It's also made me think of trauma bonds. I found reading these links helpful: https://paceuk.info/child-sexual-exploitation/what-is-trauma-bonding/ (no SA, but the principle is the same) and https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/lifetime-connections/202105/breaking-the-trauma-bond-forged-narcissistic-parents

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok   
I am going to read both those articles you linked to, as the titles look relevant to my own situation.  Thank you for sharing them.
Wishing you strength for when you make that journey to switch off the poison - it sounds like a journey worth taking, and I hope it will be beneficial to you and all your parts.
Hope