Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[Hope67]

Hi Marta,
Thank you for your lovely hug  and for your support.  I appreciate it.  Nobody from my GP surgery has responded at all, so I've sought help from a Pharmacy instead, and they were more helpful - so that's ok, as I am presuming that the GP surgery is probably over-whelmed currently with other things. 

Hi SanMagic,
Thanks for what you said, and also for your hug    I also appreciate your question, and I think that my early experience was that questions were NOT encouraged, hence I can understand why it would be difficult for me to question parts of myself now.  It does make sense.  I didn't dare raise questions as a child.  It was too scary to do so.  I think I was conditioned to show emotions that were acceptable to my family, and discouraged from showing other emotions that weren't so acceptable to them.    Love and hugs to you too SanMagic 

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12th March 2020
I have just read an article by Vicki Peterson called 'Why No Contact is Essential if You Love Your Abusers' - it's something related to Complex Trauma and is described as Resources for Survivors, and I was glad to read it today, because it really expressed so many things that I feel - and it also helped me to feel ok about my NC with my biological family.  I needed that validation that it's ok, as I must admit that events in the media currently have been making me feel some guilt about being NC, even though I know it's for my own sanity and well-being that I am taking that decision to be NC.
I have put a post up with the link to the article - I wanted to put a link here as well, but seem to have lost the link...  I'll try to pop back with it, as I want to have it in my Journal as well, so I can find it and re-read it - when I need to.  Sometimes I don't find things, when my brain shuts down during EF's. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

This is the link to the article by Vicki Peterson - 'Why No Contact is Essential if You Love Your Abuser':
https://somethingtosayafterabusecom.com/2020/03/12/why-no-contact-is-essential-if-you-love-your-abuser/
I found this a very validating and helpful article.  She said so many things that I've felt, and she expressed those things so well.
Hope 

[marta1234]

Hope, thank you for the article. I think caring for yourself is the most important, and being NC with foo is ok and valid. It's true that now more people are talking about this, and even before when I've seen these statements I've kind of felt guilty for my feelings. But I think that taking care of yourself is the most important thing.
Also, what you said about "not asking questions" resonates with me, and I never thought of it to have affected my relationships with my parts, but now maybe it does.

Sending you lots of love and support

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

while i haven't read that article, i've known deep inside that even tho i love my D1, it is absolutely the best thing for me to be NC w/ her.  while it was absolutely the most difficult decision of my life, and i feel the hole in my heart every day where she belongs, i don't dare get in touch with her.  whatever else happens, i can't fix it, won't try anymore.  i'm also NC with my sister, so i've got a family thing happening from 2 different angles.

it really is all about self-care, and that's a necessity for us - we didn't get cared for properly in the past by others, so we're the only ones who can do that for ourselves now.   

one thing i always try to remember is that these people are adults, they've had a lot of time and plenty of opportunities to get the help they need to become better people.  they've chosen not to take advantage of either.  to my mind, this separation is on them.  they pushed me out of their lives by their words and behaviors, made it impossible for me to allow them to interact with me anymore. 

sending love and a hug filled w/ support and compassion for your choice, especially thru these trying times.

[Hope67]

Hi Marta, thank you for what you said.  I also appreciate the love and hugs - thank you 

Hi SanMagic, yes - self-care is such a necessity for us, I agree with that.  Thank you for the validation and for sharing what you said.   

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16th March 2020
I am finding these times harder - and I know that so many people are experiencing challenges at the moment.  I struggled with quite a few conflicting thoughts and feelings in the past few days, and I also struggled to be able to come here and express anything - I know I was in EF's and waves of EF's, and then things were needing my attention in my life and relationships, and I felt over-whelmed, but I'm doing ok.

Sometimes I've felt like this  and sometimes like this  and sometimes like this 

However, right at this moment, I am just glad to be able to be here and write something, and I feel as if I'm not in an EF at this moment, and I feel calmer, so I am pleased about that.   

Whilst I am calm, I am hoping to write a few things, so I'll have a go...

*** Potential TW as may mention CSA in this next section, and normally I separate that and put it in the CSA section of this forum, but I feel ok to write it here in Journal today - so that's why I am:

I have been reading a book by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis called 'The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse' and I've been reading this over the past week or so, a little each day.  I normally find it very hard to focus on literature on that subject, and I have typically often lost whatever book I've been reading, or not managed to read it through, but I am managing to cope with reading this one, and have been really finding the things that are written in it to be very .... I can't find a word here, not sure what word is right, but it 'fits' my experiences, and I relate to them so much.  It's been very powerful, but also very emotive too.  I am also finding that I feel a sense of optimism that the book will actually help me.  There are written exercises recommended, but as is typical for me, I like to try to read a book through before attempting experiential exercises, and that's been the case with this one too.  But I do think I will try to do some of the exercises, hopefully once I've read the entire book. 

I'm a bit concerned by the fact that the edition I have of the book is relatively old - I've got a copy that is printed in 2002, so already 18 years old, but it seems to be quite relevant in terms of other things I've read, and doesn't seem outdated to me.  But I do wonder if I should try to get hold of a more up to date copy - not sure how different the current copy would be though.

I have also been listening to an audio CD called 'Behind Closed Doors' by Sue Smethurst which is also about CSA, and that has been really powerful too - I have related to so many things that the person says.  Somehow hearing the words in an audio way (sorry - struggling with some word finding difficulties now) is different, and the only difficulty I have with that is that I like to listen to it without ear-phones, and therefore when my partner isn't around, and he has been around quite a bit in the past few days. 

He had found me in tears a couple of times, when I've been listening to the audio, or reading the book, and he was concerned, but I explained to him that I am doing this because I want to heal - I'm not sure he copes too well with that side of things, but I do need to feel my emotions, and stop controlling them - I've been controlled with my emotions for decades, and so opening up and expressing them now, I see it as some progress.  I am feeling more feelings - in so many ways.  I do think that is positive.

Glad to have had opportunity to write this - and to have been able to write something. 
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad you were able to write, Hope.

[Not Alone]

Hope, I have often been impressed with all the reading you have done and lectures you've listened to. I only have about eight books about CSA and I have only manage to read four in entirety, even that took several attempts.

but I do need to feel my emotions, and stop controlling them - I've been controlled with my emotions for decades, and so opening up and expressing them now, I see it as some progress.  I am feeling more feelings - in so many ways.  I do think that is positive.

I would agree that is progress and positive. You are growing and healing, step by step.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop - thank you so much 

Hi Notalone - I am impressed that you've read 4 books in entirety on CSA, as I appreciate how difficult it is to focus.  I know I've read a lot of books, but I wonder whether I really take them in, and for that reason I am glad that I have some that I can re-read, to try to get something more from them on another occasion.  I appreciate your support and comments very much, and want to send you a hug 

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19th March 2020
I've been up and down emotionally - with all the worries in the World currently - and trying to keep my various parts as calm as I can, within my Self.  I have noticed new parts that I'd not realised were there.  It's been over-whelming sometimes, but at other times I've been calmer.  So it's been ok.  In some ways I can see how my existing tendencies for hyper-vigilance etc are actually helpful.

Oh, have to go - hope to write more later.
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

I've had new parts become activated with all of this as well. I've been using the same strategy as you: calm them down, and stay within my Self as much as possible.

Have you ever tried Bach Rescue Remedy? I find it useful in situations which make me feel , so I wondered if it might help you during those times when you feel overwhelmed. Just a thought.

Take care, Hope

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

with all the reading and listening you've been doing on CSA, and the emotions you're allowing and expressing, i'm not surprised you're kind of in roller coaster mode.  i'm glad you're getting your feelings out, tho - i, too, believe it's an important part of the healing process.

i have used Bach Rescue Remedy, like snowdrop suggested, and it's been very effective in calming my nerves, altho i take a double dose than what is talked about.  but, it's truly helped more than any other homeopathic remedy i've tried.

sending love and a hug filled with support for all you're doing.

[Snowdrop]

Hi Hope,

Richard Schwartz is doing a free webinar on parts being activated at the moment. I thought you'd want to know. I've posted details here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13246.0

Thinking of you.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop, thank you so much for that information about Richard Schwartz's talk - I have registered for it - and looking forward to it.  Thinking of you too    Thank you for the recommendation of the Bach Flower Remedy too - I have tried it years ago, but wasn't sure if I could feel any difference at all back then, but maybe that was because I was too numbed/dissociated/detached from my feelings - I am wondering if I might find it more helpful these days - as I think I am feeling more things now.  I will hope to get hold of some and try it.  Thank you.   

Hi SanMagic, I have been feeling better for getting my feelings out - and feeling things more.  This is definitely helping on the healing process, I feel like I'm finally making some progress at the moment.  Although it really does feel like a roller coaster and a half.  Thanks for sending love and a hug of support, I really appreciate it - and sending one back to you 

**********
22nd March 2020
I must admit I've tried to start this sentence a few times, and I can't allow myself to just write it.  I've changed it a few times, and I can't finish what I want to say - I must just try to 'do it' - today has been triggering at so many levels - but it's the evening now and I'm surviving it!  So that's positive and I am ok.  So that's a good outcome. 

I feel exhausted at the moment - and I'm feeling that. 

I am so grateful that this place is here - I come here and I read things, and I am grateful for the people here, and the support, and the sense of belonging that I feel in relation to people here - which is emotive to feel that - but I wanted to say it.  Feeling very tearful and upset now.  But I'm so glad this is a place I can come to write and say things, even when oftentimes I feel as if I can't actually express myself - and then the words go. 

I wish I could break free from the restrictions that parts of me put on myself - I know that I should be able to speak freely and say things that are meaningful and true, but I feel as if I am still trapped and fearful of sharing any truths.  Speaking my mind, it feels like it's something I shouldn't do.  But I feel I have a right to speak honestly and truly for myself and my spirit and protect all of my parts and currently I am blending with some of them at some points in the day, and with others at other points in the day.

Whilst I think of it, I realise what's triggered me just now - it was the phone ringing, and wondering who it might be, and then I answered it as I saw the number on the phone, and knew it was a 'safe' person rather than an unsafe one - but even then I was catapulted into a social interaction (on the phone) and I wasn't keen to have that tonight.  But I managed it ok, and it was fine.

Note to myself - I need to write about some of the things I've been reading about in the CSA book - it's been really helpful and I feel like I've learned so much.  I have experienced some flashbacks too - which were things that made me realise my experiences were actually 'real' as opposed to something I wasn't sure about - i.e. my capacity to 'believe' that they happened - it's changed.  I need to write and process this, but I know it is hard for me to do that.  But I want to do that.  I hope to do that.

Lots of things have changed this week - so I need to adjust to those things.  It's really caused me a lot of anxiety.  I need to get hold of the Bach Flower Remedy to see if it will help me - maybe it will this time, now that I can 'feel' more.  I've been comfort eating more - but I haven't gone too overboard on that. 

I can feel myself relaxing a bit as I'm sitting here writing this - I felt incredibly tense and upset up to that point, but now it's like a part of me has relaxed and stepped back.  I am so thankful - because I didn't like the feeling.  I feel a bit spaced out though. 

But I am glad to have written here, and it's been beneficial and calming to do that.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i'm just glad it helped you to write stuff out, hope.  that's wonderful.

with all the new feelings coming out, i think you're changing yourself, not only as a person, but your physical being as well.  i know i don't get sick as often, not nearly as often, as i was before and during my time in mexico.  our immune systems take a hit from all the stress, and i can only imagine that other physical parts do as well.  so, as you're healing, i'll bet that it's more than just your mind.  all this to say i think giving the Bach relief another try may, in fact, be different now.

good luck with it.  i hope it helps.  love and hugs, hope.

[Three Roses]

 

[marta1234]

Hi Hope,
I'm sending you so much love right now. What you are doing is amazing, and I know that being open to these past feelings is hard. But accepting that they are there is a step forward, so that's positive.
I've also been going through a rough patch, and being open to my triggers and fearful emotions is just so scary and energy draining. I just feel so vulnerable all the time.
In any case, what you are doing is amazing, and every time you come to this forum, you will have our support with whatever you need to let out or ask. Just so you know you are not alone.