Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[Hope67]

Dear Sceal, Thank you very much    You made me smile when you said 'fingers and toes crossed' - 

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5th March 2020
I've had quite a few things to deal with this week that have been a bit stressful in some ways, but I'm pleased to say that I was able to sort them out, and that I managed to cope!  I am pleased with that.  However it meant I couldn't focus on things I'd planned to do.  But it's ok. 

Before I forget about it, I wanted to write about the fact that I went back to my wardrobe the other day - to try to find an item of clothing that belonged to my M, and which I have wanted to get rid of, but so far have felt too attached to it (for numerous complicated reasons) - anyway, I then discovered that I've put it in a place where I can't find it anymore!  I had convinced myself that I was going to dispose of it, and that I felt brave enough to do that, but when it came to it, I couldn't find it.  It's as if part of me has hidden it from both view and from my memory as to where it is.  I find that quite interesting, and also feel some sense of frustration about it.  But I don't feel too bad about it - at the same time.

Regarding my attempts to work with my different parts, I know I'm making progress, and checking in with them most days - sometimes more than once a day.  However, I think my process is such that I tend to listen to them, rather than actually communicate with them.  I think I fear what might happen if I ask them something.  I guess I'm keen not to over-whelm myself, and that's why I hold back on actually communicating with them.  Although even as I write that - I think that I 'do' sometimes say things to them - for example if one of them shows me something or enables me to feel an emotion or feeling strongly, then I might recognise that it's fear and then I say to that part how much I am sorry that they have had to feel that intensity of fear.  This contrasts so much with the past, when I would have blended with that fear/feeling, and been scared or fearful of it.  Now I have curiosity and also compassion for it.  That's a major difference, and I'm glad of that.

I've been experiencing more physical symptoms - like some cramping and tension in my lower back, and also pain in my throat area.  I've had a bad cold, and it affected my throat, and it's still there - even though I feel so much better than I did.  I guess my back could be cramping or tense due to the lack of exercise through having rested to try to get rid of the cold, but I am thinking that it's also some communications from parts, and therefore I'm listening to those things and trying to heed the communications.

I feel as if I need to re-read some books - ones that I've read before, and I would like to re-process the books from my new time and space right now - because I feel I'll get more out of them - but I'm not sure which ones I want to focus on.  I have quite a few of them now! 

I also really would like to do some creative Artwork of some sort, but I feel like I have a massive wound relating to trying to do anything creative, and I really want to get over that, and start something.  I've begun to watch videos on u tube to get some ideas, and I am excited by things I've seen.  But something holds me back from even attempting to draw.  I need to try to get over that, and start something.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

glad you're feeling better.

i agree it's interesting about the M clothing thing.  hmmm . . . wonder what your subconscious had in mind?

i think that you being able to say something to your parts now, instead of blending w/ their feelings is a very big step!     each thing we do differently is a change, something to learn from, and therefore, progress.  i think you're doing great!  love and hugs!

[Snowdrop]

It sounds as though you're doing really well, Hope. You're listening to your parts and dealing with them compassionately, and that's great. It comes across that you're so much more your Self.

I think I fear what might happen if I ask them something.

You can ignore my thoughts if they don't sound right or helpful, but I wonder if the fear is coming from a part that fears what might happen if you ask questions. If this sounds feasible, I wonder if you might be able to be curious about this part, and get to know and befriend it. Just a thought.

I think you're doing brilliantly, Hope.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic - thank you - I appreciate your validation as well as the love and hugs 

Hi Snowdrop - thanks for sharing your thoughts, they are helpful - and I am beginning to make some progress with this - I'm taking it slowly and cautiously, but hope to be able to write about the process after a few days, I hope.  I made a start today - and I'm making notes of thoughts and feelings that are surfacing.   Thanks for the hug too 

Hope 

[Not Alone]

Hope,

Interesting about the item of clothing. You have a lot of feelings associated with it and those feelings deserve care.

I think you are doing well with your Parts. It is an ongoing learning and growing process. 

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone,
Yes, you're right, there are so many associations with that item of clothing, and I guess that the fact I can't find it now, means that a part of me doesn't want me to throw it out just yet - I need to process the feelings and work through what I want to do, once I've worked it all out.   Thanks for the hug, and for your validation - I appreciate it very much 

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9th March 2020
I found the weekend was busy and there were quite a few things I needed to cope with.  I did cope, but now I recognise that I am needing some time to re-group my thoughts and focus on the week ahead.  I want to remind myself to write about a few things here - as I really want to do that:

Hope to write about the process of befriending the part who doesn't feel comfortable about my asking questions of other parts - I am making some progress on this, but want to write about it here.

Want to write about my dreams, which have been vivid lately

Want to write some 'letters not to send'

Hope 

[Hope67]

On the weekend, I wrote this (so I wanted to copy and paste it in here to my diary):

"Befriending part that is scared for me to ask questions.

Dear Part that isn't feeling comfortable about my asking questions of other parts:

I've noticed a few things lately – and I really want to get to know you and understand things better.  I hope you'll allow me to maybe talk to you and get to know your thoughts and feelings about things.

I was thinking recently that I've noticed how I have begun to notice and try to communicate with the various parts of me, and how some of them have shown me flashes of memories and feelings and thoughts as a result of that.  I have felt glad to be trusted with those things, and I've felt compassionate and curious about those things, as well as beginning to appreciate some things that different parts have been through.

However, I still feel afraid to ask any of the parts direct questions, and I wonder if there's a part who is concerned about that – and who might not want me to ask them things.  Can I talk to that part today?  Are you there? 

I think I've felt that you're upset already, because what I notice is this:

When I was ill and trying to recover, you allowed some parts that had been ill in the past to contact me, and remind me of things they'd been through in the past, and then when I'm feeling somewhat better, I've felt the need to say that I'm doing better, and coping better.  You seem happy for me to do that, but I am aware that I have also been feeling quite a lot of vulnerable feelings too, and that you're not happy for me to talk about them.  I wonder why you're concerned about my sharing those feelings and I wonder what you think about my wish to communicate with those parts and maybe ask them questions directly. 

I'm going to read back what I've just written, to see what you think, as I know that often I can write things and not realise what you're thinking, and when I re-read something I've written, then you, or other parts might react emotionally – so I'll pause, and re-read this.

.....pausing to re-read...

Whilst I re-read this, I felt as if you'd disappeared.  You weren't around at all.  Maybe you're thinking about this.  I feel calm though – inside, so that's a positive feeling.  Maybe you're ok about me writing that.  Thank you if you are, I value your thoughts and your feelings.

I'll try to write more now.  I do feel a lump in my throat as I sit here – but I've had a sore throat, and maybe it's related to that.  I'm going to make a cup of tea, so we can sit here and think about things, and contemplate this.

....making cup of tea – going to choose something nice and soothing for my throat, maybe add some honey – as some self-care. 

2.30pm
That was the morning, and I drank the tea, and was distracted as my partner  was around, and so I didn't process further.  So need to return to this process another time, when I can do it better and allow sufficient time to process.  "

9th March 2020
So the above was what I wrote over the weekend, in an attempt to start to communicate more directly with the part that doesn't seem happy for me to ask parts direct questions. 

I just wanted to add some thoughts that have come up since then:

I noticed that there was an angry part surfaced quite a lot after I had started that process - and it seemed to blend with me for part of the day, to the extent that I expressed some inpatience with my partner, and he told me 'You change so quickly to anger, it scares me!' - that shocked me, because I felt that my showing anger is something I think I only rarely do, and yet he felt that it came out of nowhere - and it had made him tell me that it scared him.  That worried me a bit.

But at the same time, I don't think he meant it - but of course, I'm not entirely sure, and I tend to take things literally. 

Now my inner critic is having a go at me a bit, so I'll leave this for now, but I am glad that I have put this in my Journal, as I want it to be here - it's the beginning of my processing.

Hope 

[marta1234]

Hope, I've been reading your journal, though with a slow start (I've been dissociating a lot). I truly admire your desire to befriend your parts, help them grow, and be there for them. I've been kind of toying with the idea of parts, as admitting it is so challenging for most of mine (a very angry part(s) has been putting too much stress on myself and the body).
I just wanted to say that I admire your progress, and it gives hope to me that I will be there too. In any case, I am here for you even when it's hard and will be sending lots of support whenever needed. 

[Hope67]

Hi Marta,
I really appreciate you saying that - and thank you for popping by.  I think I first found out about parts in a book by Janina Fisher, which I found very helpful - and I've more recently been finding Richard Schwartz's writings about IFS (internal family systems) to be really helpful too. 
Be kind to yourself, and pace yourself - and thank you for your support and the hug - I appreciate them very much. 
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

Hope, this is brilliant. I'm so impressed with the progress you're making.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop,
I was just thinking about you - thanks for saying that!  It means a lot - and I do think it's going ok so far. 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Your communication with your Part(s) was open and tender.

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone, Thank you.    

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12th March 2020
I've had some panicky feelings at night - relating to very vivid dreams and I recognise some health related worries coming into those, and think it's down to parts of me worrying about the Covid-19 stuff.  But I am trying to reassure those parts, and I think it's working a bit, as I had a better sleep last night.  I read some information that I think Notalone had shared - it was about coping with sleep and it was beneficial to read it.

Experiencing quite a bit of tinnitus at the moment.  I had tried to communicate with my GP surgery about some concerns I had, and they haven't got back to me.  I have a difficulty with approaching my health, and so the thought of chasing this up to get a reply worries me, and I am not sure I'll actually do that.  I realise it's probably because they are busy, and they don't realise how hard it was for me to make contact in the first place. 

Part of me wants me to erase that whole paragraph - but I'm going to leave it there because I feel it's ok to write this. 

Hope 

[marta1234]

Hi Hope, I think you are not alone with worrying about Covd-19 stuff. Personally, I've just kind of tuned out the whole talk of it because it just would scare me so much if I listened.
I am sorry that it's affecting your dreams though. In any case, I congratulate you for making that step and asking your GP about some of your concerns That's a big step
Sending you lots of love 

[sanmagic7]

hi, hope,

it was so interesting to read how you talked to your parts, the kinds of things you said.  it's like i was learning how to be kind and caring to others, something i'm not always on the spot with.  like, it takes me a while to ask my d in the morning how she is after she's already asked me and i've answered her, sometimes in a lot of detail.  it's like i don't have that automatic focus on others for their own sake, so reading how you eased into talking to your parts was an education for me.

just out of curiosity, what happened to you when you asked questions?  did people get angry with you for doing so?  it struck me about your part noticing your anger immediately, and getting scared, while you think you rarely get angry.  this rang true to me cuz i was raised not to ask questions, so for most of my adulthood i just accepted what people told me, or did, without asking about it.  it kind of rang a bell with me.

at any rate, i give you all kinds of credit for all that you're doing.  and, i echo marta about the covid-19 stuff.  it's wreaking havoc with the mental well-being of a lot of us.  love and hugs, sweetie.