ch. 6 - beyond the past

sanmagic7 · October 08, 2019, 01:30:03 PM

thank you, everyone, for your kindness and caring through this. i ended up having a great birthday, mostly because of all of you, and because my d had all her friends who know me send me email bday wishes! we went to the casino cuz we each had $5 vouchers, but they turned out to have expired, but i got one back cuz it was my bday, and i won $.50!!! then we went to the store and found this little bday cake on sale, and finally had lunch at a lovely restaurant overlooking the ocean. she even got to see her first ever surfer catch a wave and ride it! plus, the food was excellent (new place, so we were taking a chance) and our neighbor lent us her car, which made this all possible.

i'd saged myself in the morning and scrubbed as much neg. off me as i could, especially my chakras, and i think that also helped get rid of some of the bad. but mostly, i kept being surprised here and during the day, so it didn't leave much room for the crapola. it turned out to be a great bday, one i'll always remember - but in a good way!

jazzy, i think you may have hit on something. it's true that i've floated thru most of my life cuz i wasn't wired right for emotions and their expression - i couldn't recognize how i felt, just that i was 'upset' or 'good'. so, the idea of this pressure being somehow connected to an ICr is a possibility. i don't know if i'll ever truly know, but i think that's a good idea.

notalone, as i mentioned above, i have a hard time recognizing these feelings, so pain really didn't register with me, but i thank you for recognizing it on my behalf. all i felt was some anger (i'm getting better with that one) and some despair that i couldn't believe he'd do that. of course he would, tho. ugh - my chest is tightening just thinking about that. he's always done stuff like that, and i look like the idiot when i confront it cuz others often see it as only a coincidence. but, i guess it would be painful.

ok, the word 'hurt' just floated thru my mind. it hurts that he would choose that particular day to relay these messages, knowing that d2 would tell me about them, and how upsetting all this stuff about my daughters is. also a little twitch of hate jumped up. so, this is triggering again. but, i guess that's how i survived everything all my life, was by not being able to have these feelings. i don't know how i would've lived otherwise.

blueberry, thank you. i know that we can't always know triggers for others. i get that. you didn't know. i know i've done the same for others here. but, i appreciate the apology. i didn't mean to cause you any undue upset - i just think it's good for me to be honest, because i've been so out of touch w/ that kind of thing for so long. so, no worries.

mb, thank you so much for your compassion and caring . and for the validation! that felt really good. my hub called me early yesterday morning, sand happy birthday, and listened while i told him about this incident. he appropriately cursed out my ex, which felt really good, and i was able to cry and he let me - well, he's been thru all this with the two of them for many, many years, and knows what it's done to me.

at the suggestion that i may be in mourning (again!), i wore black and blue yesterday. i loved the outfit, but i did think of mourning as i was getting dressed, and later of the black and blue as symbolic of the bruising i've endured because of him, and that i just can't friggin' get away from it! that is so frustrating! he comes at me thru my d. so, when i've said to myself, 'it's in the past, i'm safe', it really doesn't ring true. i'm not safe. and i can't run far enough away to ever feel safe as long as he's alive. what a horrible thought.

sweet sceal, thank you. and, you're right - i know you're all here for me, and i can't begin to express how much that meant to me this year. the words you said were just right.

all in all, with a lot of help from my dear friends, i made it thru this birthday w/ flying colors. i appreciate you all, and what you've done for me, being here for me, has been of immeasurable help. you're the best! love and hugs all around.

Sceal · October 08, 2019, 08:14:00 PM

So very happy to hear. That despite everything, you still had a wonderful birthday! Really sweet of your D to get her friends send birthday wishes! And really fun that you won some money even if your voucher had expired!

Jazzy · October 08, 2019, 09:58:13 PM

That's really awesome. So glad you had a great bday!

Not Alone · October 09, 2019, 01:14:24 AM

I'm so glad that you ended up having a great birthday. I love that you won $.50!

sanmagic7 · October 09, 2019, 05:17:15 PM

sceal, notalone, and jazzy - thank you so much!

unfortunately, it's all taken its toll, and i'm down for the count today. going to the porch, to the cabin with a roaring fire, my rocker, a blanket of rest and relaxation, hot chocolate and a fun book. take care, all of you lovely people!

see you when i feel better.

Snowdrop · October 09, 2019, 05:29:15 PM

I'm so glad your birthday went so well. Your relaxation plans sound fab.

Blueberry · October 09, 2019, 08:33:39 PM

Have a great and relaxing time on the porch!

Hope67 · October 11, 2019, 10:41:31 AM

Dear SanMagic,
Glad your Birthday went ok and that you enjoyed it. Your daughter was so thoughtful too - lovely to have greetings from her friends who know you as well.
Hope you are enjoying relaxing on the porch, the fun book sounds great and the chocolate too.

Hope

sanmagic7 · October 15, 2019, 05:46:22 AM

thanks, hope. a lot.

these past 10 days have been triggering and re-triggering - about 3 or 4 major triggers around my ex and d1. 2 nightmares in 24 hrs. today. i've been so stressed out by this, it's all i've been able to do to get my feet under me. i've been doing a lot of sleeping, watching tv, reading (it is a fun book, hope) and i'm hoping to get back on track this week. dang, they just don't stop coming! from the source, from the dreams (up at 2:30 this morning, couldn't get back to sleep till 10), from a friend of my d who's having similar problems w/ her d, who is 14, and wanted to talk to me about it since i went thru something similar with d1. d2 and i talked about it, decided it's not a good thing for me to do. she's been triggered by it as well, so we're just kinda hangin' on by our teeth today.

i read where kizzie was wondering out loud if, at her age, it's worth it to find a t. honestly (altho i didn't have the energy to respond to her), i wish i had one, and i'm several years older than her. it would seem like a relief to me to have someone face to face to help me thru this crapola, give me some guidance, some stability i could lean on - o, that sounds heavenly! my d is great for a lot of things, but i can't talk to her about my ex/her father, so all that has to get worked w/ on my own. maybe it's cuz these triggers keep coming and i can't get away from one more attack or being ignored or being affected thru my d and her issues with her sis and him that continue to be put in her face thru him.

trigger torture by proxy.

Blueberry · October 15, 2019, 09:34:32 AM

and large nightmare/trigger-reducing

sanmagic7 · October 15, 2019, 02:12:21 PM

that was beautiful, blueberry. thank you. i appreciate it.

Jazzy · October 15, 2019, 11:17:25 PM

Sorry you're having such a rough time Sanmagic. Hang in there, things will get better! Take care!

MoonBeam · October 15, 2019, 11:41:10 PM

San, wanted to send a big, gentle

. It's really hard when it just keeps coming. It brings up all sorts of other aspects on top of the initial triggers for me when that happens. My T and I have been talking about dual awareness. I'm still learning, but the gist is that the trigger is happening and the usual ways our minds and body's cope/coped with the trigger happen, but then there is another piece that comes in--a knowing that we are being triggered. A sense that we can get through it, that perhaps some of it isn't even ours to take on and (eventually for me hopefully) a sense that we will be ok even when we are in it.

Hang in San. I feel for all the crappola being put on you. Holding you in my heart.

MB

sanmagic7 · October 16, 2019, 05:04:00 AM

thanks for the well wishes, jazzy. much appreciated.

mb, i understand what you're saying, and i agree. part of the problem i'm having is that the behavior of his comes at me anew, thru my d. it's not just another trigger, but another slash at me. the triggers are what i see on tv shows and the like. these are fresh wounds that keep coming. it just gets wearing. maybe i don't know how to explain it properly. i don't know anymore. i know i can get thru the outlying triggers - those are reminders of past wounds - but this is one more nasty behavior after another still hurting me in the present. i appreciate being held in your heart - it's safe and cozy there. thank you.

Blueberry · October 16, 2019, 08:13:31 AM

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 16, 2019, 05:04:00 AM
part of the problem i'm having is that the behavior of his comes at me anew, thru my d. it's not just another trigger, but another slash at me.

I so get that, san! That's what B1, B2 and SIL2 did to me at Horrendous FOO Event no. 2. Another slash. Perfectly explained/worded.

Sending loads of compassion and an OOTS-sized hug that really holds you safe from all this crapola.