ch. 6 - beyond the past

[Tee]

  that is interesting San.  I hope you get some good rest this weekend.  You deserve that.  Sending you love.

[sanmagic7]

really quite out of it today.  thank you snowdrop and tee - love you right back.

i think i'm making inroads on this crapola, and then i go thru this 3 days of medical stuff for my d, and i was so tense today, it was a xanax day.  i felt absolutely useless.  i don't always know how or why this happens, why it still happens.  i guess my system is so worn out from years and years of getting thru stuff, that it can't take very much anymore.

plus, i keep getting these realizations, and i think they have something to do with it.  maybe.  just makes me feel wimpy.  there's still so much i want to do - i pulled up my book twice today, didn't have the energy to do anything at all on it.  so, that's all pushed back, didn't make any headway on my knitting (i'm making a big throw for my bed for the winter cuz my quilts are tearing apart now), and i just feel blah.  it'll be nice to get back on my feet again.  plus, my d's leaving on wed. will be gone for a week.  maybe time by myself will help.  altho i'm still kinda nervous about being by myself.  some days it feels like i can't win for losing.

[Snowdrop]

I'm not surprised you've been feeling out of it. Repatterning childhood stuff can be exhausting, and you've had all the medical stuff on top of that. Tee's right, you deserve a good rest.

The other thing that occurs to me is healing crisis, as in a sense, you're detoxing your emotions and mental patterns. It might not be, but thought I'd mention it in case it helps.

Either way, I'm sure it's temporary, and you'll feel better once you've rested.

[sanmagic7]

hey snowdrop,

healing crisis is a term i've not heard of before.  and i certainly haven't taken anything like that into consideration.  it makes sense, tho.  almost like i've been doing major surgery on my mind, which would indeed demand a longer period of rest than normal.  thank you so much for that.

the doc stuff, 3 days in a row, yeah, that took more of a toll than i expected.  it whirlwinded me into old fears, specifically of not being able to rest in the afternoon after only getting 5 hrs. of sleep at night.  i appreciate what you said - i think it has helped me get back on track a little.  i was feeling pretty wimpy, like i should be over this much easier.

i think that's part of my own belittling of my own issues and falterings.  the 'shoulds' that come along w/ that - i should be over this by now, i should be able to handle this better, i should . . . fill in the blanks.  wow - just flashed back to being sensitive as a kid, crying cuz i displeased my dad, and him telling me that he can't talk to me without me turning on the waterworks.  yep, still have some processing, re-scripting to do there.  it's still amazing to me how much that old stuff, seemingly so simple to others, can impact me now, yet, after all these years.  that sentence probably happened over 60 yrs. ago!  he's long dead, and i've done so much since then.  unfortunately, it still lingers.  gack!

so, resting.  luckily it's raining this morning, which took the option of going for a walk out of my hands.  and, resting some more. 

[Tee]

  don't get down on yourself San it takes time you've been working really hard and then life threw you a curve a ball with your D health.  You got this. Rest. sending love

[sanmagic7]

thanks for that reminder, tee,  very much appreciated.  plus, i remembered something else i've been dealing with - my leg!  my knee is better, but now my ankle is hurting more than at first.  so, yeah, lots of stuff in a very little time.  which is what i need to heal.  time.

another realization came to mind today, thought i'd write it down.  i often come here before going to sleep to get some love.  it's something i've been doing for quite a while, but never brought it to my consciousness in quite the same way as today.  when i first thought about it, it seemed embarrassing, childish, so i didn't want to admit it.  then i realized that it's probably a very needy child part of me that's looking for that.  ok, that makes sense to me.

it also made me think that 'i love you' is something i have to be sure to build into my re-scripting, when i'm finally able to go after that again.  don't really remember hearing that from my folks, don't remember getting hugs or much touch, except being spanked.  so, kindness, patience, love words, holding, hugs, smiles, joy at me being me - this list is growing.  i'm close to tears just thinking about it. 

it may be part of why i usually send love when posting to someone else - i'm giving them what i didn't get, and i believe with all my heart we've often not had enough of that.  i know it can be difficult for some people to accept it, and i have no problem w/ that.  i want to respect where they're at.  still, my heart is full of love, and i want to share it.  here is where i also get a lot back.  and i so appreciate that.

i remember having a conversation w/ my ex when we were going out, about saying the words 'i love you,'  he didn't think they were important, i told him that i believed they were, that to hear them was very important.  i said something to the effect that hearing them now when i'm alive actually does something pos. for me.  after i'm dead, going to my grave and saying how much you loved me does me no good at all!  later, after our girls were born, he told me that he thought it was great that we all said 'i love you' to each other so often. 

i think that's why that willie nelson song 'you were always on my mind' angered me so greatly.  after the fact is way too late, buddy.  ok, back to resting.  just had to get this out of me.

[Elphanigh]

Hi dear sister or mine  I wish I had more words today but wanted to let you know I am reading even when I can't often respond.

Your insights into that younger self needing love sounds so spot on. It is beautiful that you can give her some of that here and start to include it in your respcripting. Sometimes just a dose of love goes a long way for each of us 

Sending lots of love and peace your way
Elpha

[Tee]

  continue to rest and love one yourself.  Sending more love

[SharpAndBlunt]

sanmagic, just wanted to say something about "the L word" because what you've written chimes with me, and I wanted to feed that back, before I have to go to work in a couple of hours.

I also never was told "I love you". Never heard the words about human to human relationships. Discipline was very big in our house. So, I never heard those words, though I longed to. I agree that many of us didn't hear it enough, or for me not at all.

I think in our culture the three words are very loaded. How many films, soap operas etc use those 3 words as a dramatic device. Meaning that the word 'love' gets built up into all different meanings and obligations.

But really why should it not be a simple thing. Love I guess is a natural state and I feel it here too. So I want to send some love to you, and to all members here. Because soon my daily routine will kick in again and I will be back to work and worry 

So, its nice to hear and nice to say, sending love. 

[Three Roses]

A loving  filled with love and more love to you, my gentle friend.

[sanmagic7]

as i read these responses, it occurred to me that i am more able to feel the love that you all are sending.  i've read the words here before, but couldn't feel it - my own whatever.  now, tho, the past couple days, it has penetrated my heart, and it feels o so great!  that's the power i believe works thru this forum and everyone here.  you all have been life-changing for me.  i hope you can let that soak in as a self-love antidote for when you're feeling unloved, invalid, worthless, and without purpose. 

el you are certainly a heart sister of mine.  i remember when you first joined the forum, how different things were then.  but the love was always there, somehow, a loving connection.  thank you for being in my life.

tee, i am loving myself, resting, taking care of me, and today i'm finally feeling more myself.  you are so full of love, and i can feel it from you.  thank you for being here and sharing that love w/ so many.  you are so valuable.

s&b, i totally agree with you.  the word 'love' seems to have collected so many expectations, hidden meanings, even fear (and, as you said, some kind of drama around it) when it's, to my mind, the greatest thing humankind can ever achieve.  all of us who are love starved know this intrinsically, i think.  to find such a loving place as this forum, so much of it from people who have been wounded because of a lack of love in their lives, is mind-boggling. 

thank you for this insight - isn't love really both the simplest and most powerful entity we have in our arsenal to combat the horrors that we've known? 

and dear 3r, you are one of the most loving people i've never met.  with me from the very beginning, i love you dearly.  thank you for your kindness and friendship that have never faltered.

to all of you, like tee said, we do all need to love on ourselves - i truly believe love trumps evil and all its manifestations.  we all deserve love, and the love people here show toward each other is one of the miracles of this place.  i have never felt warmer and fuzzier than i do in this very moment!  thank you all, love you all - you're the best!  i will never forget this.   

[Tee]

  I'm glad that you are resting and getting loved.

[Snowdrop]

San, I'm so pleased that you can feel the love that we're all sending your way. You are so much loved.

I wonder if your ability to feel this stems from all the hard work you've been putting in with rescripting? It sounds like progress, and as though something has shifted.

[sanmagic7]

thank you, tee, as always.  love your hugs and love.  hope you're doing better.

hey, snowdrop, i think that part of the reason i can feel these lovely, loving feelings being sent to me is from being inundated with them since i joined the forum.  nothing but caring and kindness.  i think it's been re-wiring my brain, kind of continual exposure therapy of the best kind.  i don't doubt that the re-scripting, along with the gallons of tears i've allowed myself to cry, and getting out of all my relationships that were toxic has all lent a hand in this phenomenon.

i've had trouble feeling any emotions for most of my life.  i've felt disturbances at times, but couldn't put a name to them, and later found out that's alexithymia.  so, this whole thing of being able to not only feel something but to be able to name it, know what it is, is quite new to me.  feeling love, well i can literally count on one hand the number of times in my life i've been able to actually feel it from someone.  on the other hand, i couldn't really feel love toward anyone either.  still can't, altho i know it's there, but the actual feeling of it hasn't been.  just a few times i've been able to feel it toward one of our cats.  never felt it toward my babies, which really saddens me.

but, there it is.  i'm just glad i'm beginning to feel what it feels like now, at this point in my life.  better late than never, i guess.  i'm glad i've had that experience, tho - it really does feel amazing!  i do believe there's progress being made.  and, it's good.  thank you so much for being you.

getting ready for my d to leave tomorrow for a conference - she'll be gone a week.  it'll be good for both of us.  she calls me every day, which is nice.  i'll be ok w/o her - i've got the cat to keep me company, and everyone here!   

[Tee]

  yep we will be here for you.  Hope you have a good week.  Full of rest and nice weather that you can enjoy at your leisure.