Shame over being manipulated / my own actions

[johnram]

So i am going to share something that is very shameful and hard for me to comprehend, so please bear with me as i know different people will have different reactions: 

my tortured upbringing resulted in my dad turning against my mother in a big way, but also from the age of 7 turning me against her (telling me stories about how she was crazy and had attacked me [she did have issues and was in and out of psych ward ]). 
When my brothers were born (i was age 9), this anger subsided a bit but did continue.  My mother was forced to run away from home with my brothers at my age 12 due to my dad and me forcing her through our neglect, leaving me solo without the new companionship of my siblings whom i adored. 

When she returned, after 6 months away, i did not want her back but it was what the wider family said was best.  Slowly, my dad encouraged my anger and i started to verbally then sometimes physically attack my mother.  She eventually left the family home solo. 

As an adult, i now know it was my dad manipulating me as he has done with others, and as hurtful as it was for me for my mother to have left, and we have both forgiven one another as she sees me as a victim as do i see her the same, i still have this confusion over my actions, and cant fully shake of the shame and guilt - writing this is helping but i want to put it out there.   

not sure what i am intending to get out of posting this, but i felt the need to express this.

[Three Roses]

Children learn what they live, and live what they've learned. There is no way a child at age 9, 12, or even older would know the things you know now. I think it was Maya Angelou who said, "When you know better, you do better."

I hope you are able to see that you were trying to survive in a hostile environment as is natural for a child to do. Since you and your m have extended forgiveness to one another, I hope you can also extend it to the young man you were. Thanks for sharing! That took courage. 

[johnram]

Thank you, your response comforted me, i had slight tears reading it

i needed to hear that i think

thank you

[Not Alone]

Johnram,

Brave of you to post this. Clearly you were manipulated by your father. A child would not have any resources to counter that. I'm glad that you and your mom have been able to forgive each other. Shame and guilt---those are so difficult. I am currently reading "It Wasn't Your Fault: freeing yourself from the shame of childhood abuse with the power of self-compassion" by Beverly Engel.

[johnram]

thank you for both your words and the book recommendation (not in amazon basket)

[Not Alone]

I was browsing on Amazon and saw it. It seemed to fit my struggles so I ordered it. I started reading it then had to put it away for several weeks because one of her examples of abuse was triggering. I've slowly started reading it again. She gives exercises to do. I haven't tried any yet. Will finish reading it then go back and decide what activities to try. Let me know if you decide to order the book, and if so, what you think.