Idealized Image Breakthrough

[DeeSchex]

I was doing a lot of IC work and discovered that my 6 yo self really wanted me to be a "mermaid princess."  This was my idealized vision of myself that connected forwards into my teen self-concept as well.  Mermaid princess became "Megan Fox" and prince Eric became "Bad boy misunderstood heroes with pick-up trucks and tattoos." 

What I realized is that unless I looked and acted like this idealized image of my reality then I hated myself.  Well, I was in for a ride!

Try being gay and an overweight compulsive overeater while maintaing that anything short of Princess Ariel's life is horrid and wretched... I was in for a wild ride of self-hatred!!!!

I finally connected all the dots yesterday at a therapy session.  I was floored.  My self-hatred in part stems from an inability to live up to my IC's idealized image of myself.  WOW!

It also doesn't help that the adults in my life growing up shared a similar idealized image of what a woman should look and act like....  and used oppressive and abusive tactics to try and shape me to be that person.  My uBPDm, probably with some good intentions, would restrict my access to food because I was chubby.  She didn't realize I was obese as a child because there was a scarcity of nurture and safety in our home.  She thought it was because there was too much food.  Then she layered on the scarcity of resources to everything else!  This only exacerbated the problem.  My mom was the victim of severe physical abuse growing up and she dealt with childhood obesity in her own life experience.  I have a lot of empathy and compassion for her and have learned to forgive her.  BUT this doesn't mean I let her continue to harm me.  I just "get" why she did what she did and I realize she was doing the best she could with the resources she had available to her.  Oh mama! 

[schrödinger's cat]

Funny, I actually thought about that just yesterday - about this idealized idea of what I was intended to be. And it occurred to me that this idealized person is like a ghost that haunts me. So if my mother and I were talking, it was sometimes like there were three of us in the room: her, me, and the ghost. And she keeps talking to the ghost, and being baffled when it's just simple old me responding.

And congratulations on your breakthrough! 

But isn't it weird? Both of us have idealized ghosts that are very unlike our real selves.