Deep Blue’s searching for balance journal

Started by Deep Blue, September 18, 2018, 09:02:03 PM

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Hope67

Hi Deep Blue,
Sorry to hear that you're struggling with body memories today - I hope that the Universe will offer you some respite from them, and that you find some strength to cope and I'd like to send you a gentle hug, if that's ok.  :hug:
Hope  :)

sanmagic7

o, darlin', so sorry to hear this.  don't we suffer enough with mind memories?  then, stick body memories on top of that - it's quite a load to bear.  hang tough, db - we're hangin' right beside you.  sending love and angel wings to help ease the pain.


Jdog

Love you, Blue.  Take care of yourself and know that this, too, shall pass. :hug:

Deep Blue

Thanks everyone. I'm gathering your support in  :grouphug:

I'm doing a bit better today.  The body memories are a bit less.  I think I have some holiday blues stuff going on.

Lately I feel like there is this huge hole in my chest.  I feel overwhelmed with loneliness and like nobody really gets me.

I hate intrusive flashbacks and they are coming from seemingly out of nowhere lately.  One came when I was washing my hands.  Another came when I was picking up an ornament. Sorry to be a whiner lately....  :Idunno:

Three Roses

You're not a whiner. You are talking about and processing things that are happening within you. Our silence was encouraged - demanded - by our abusers. I'm glad you're throwing this off.  :applause:

Blueberry

You're not a whiner, you're just saying what's going on. It can be good to express that sometimes. You don't have to smile and pretend everything's great if it's not.  :hug:

Sceal

Not a whiner.
Just because you are voicing your current struggles doesn't mean you are whining. It is super straining to have flashbacks and body memories.  :hug:

Jdog

I echo what the others have said!  Great job processing and letting this stuff go!,

Hope67

Hi Deep Blue,
I also echo what others have said here - and I think you have been astute in recognising things that are going on and I don't perceive that as whining at all - just being able to see things clearly - and commenting on them. 
:hug: to you, Deep Blue.
Hope  :)

Deep Blue

Thanks 3R,
Yes, silence was absolutely demanded from my abusers.  There is still a little part of me that feels "bad" for breaking that silence.

Blueberry,
I really appreciate that reminder.  In real life I always put on a smile and pretend things are good, even when they are not. That's why I started a journal: to be real and say what's actually happening. It's so engrained on me to wear that mask so thanks for reminding me to take it off here.

Sceal,
Yeah the body memories really zap my energy.  I can't focus.  I hate them.  They make me feel like I'm losing my mind.  I know they are not real. I know I haven't just endured PA, but my body acts otherwise.  :Idunno:

Jdog,
Thanks for the encouragement.  I'm processing... but you are right, the next step is to let some of this junk go.

Hope,
Thanks for the continued support and hugs.   :hug: back to you for your kindness to me always
—————————————————-
****Trigger warning PA ****








I had another major flashback as I pulled into the parking lot at school today.  A song came on the radio.  It was very popular during the years 1999-2000.  Just hearing it slammed me with a flashback.

I remember celebrating the arrival of the new year and then many of us sat and posed on this plaid red and white couch.  Later that night everyone had gone home.   :'(   The flashback was me holding on to that dumb couch.  My toes lifted off the floor with every strike of the —— can't type the word today.  I had my arms in front of me and clenched the couch with all my might.  I bit my lip and dutifully didn't cry out.

****** End trigger warning****


I'm wrecked with the body memories again today now  :'( :'( :'(

Hope67

Dear Deep Blue,
Please be kind to yourself - sending you a hug  :hug: - remember we're with you - supporting you. 
Hope  :)

sanmagic7

 :pissed: that you had to endure that.  sucks.

i do hope that as this stuff comes up and you're writing about it, that you are able to let some of it go.  hopefully, as you continue doing this, the body memories will also lessen.  is there a chance you could get a massage?  have someone help you get rid of the toxins inside?  what a terrible experience to go thru.

and, i don't think any of this is whining.  i'm just so glad for you that you can be real here, true to you, and enabled to voice that truth - finally.  i've hidden those kinds of secrets for others in the past, too, and it was so scary to put the reality out there for others to witness.  i give you a lot of credit for your courage in doing this. 

step by step, sweetie.  you're moving forward, making progress.    :applause:  well done.  sending lots of love and  :grouphug:

Wattlebird

That sucks all right, sending hugs and hoping those flashbacks stay away.
:hug: :hug: :hug:

Deep Blue

Hope,
Thanks for reminding me that you are with me.  Thanks for not leaving me alone in this fight  :hug:

San,
Thanks for the support. Thanks for your heart. Thanks for all you are my friend.  :hug:

Wattlebird,
:hug:
—————————————————
Thanks so much for the support you guys.  The day I wrote my last entry was very difficult for me.  I had very bad body memories and felt drained and off kilter virtually the whole day.

I read and reread your responses and am feeling much better today. By writing about the flashback in the journal, and trying to sit with my feelings for a bit, I was able to get that one out of me.  But! I wouldn't be able to take that first step of writing it out if it wasn't for you guys.

It is easier to tackle some of the scarier parts of cptsd when I know I'm not alone.  Thanks for that.  Thanks for putting your arms out to catch me when I feel I'm about to fall. 

:grouphug: