Ran's journey

[Ran]

Hooray for feeling like you're finding your true self! And hooray for being neither male nor female, finding your gender identity. AND for seeking professional help when you need it for CPTSD. That's real maturity and growth! You're taking care of yourself. 

Thank you. It's been a complicated journey, still have things to unpack, but this all beats going through this awful questioning and confusion loop. Trauma blurred so much of my identity. I still try to take it easy and learn to love myself.

[Ran]

So I guess I should do an update. I have figured out a lot of stuff for myself. I am certainly on path of healing and getting clarity on many things.

I found that my sense of self can feel very insecure at times.

While a lot of people figured themselves out back in high school then I lacked the support and opportunities my peers had and I had to navigate it all on my own with complex traumas and complicated medical history.

It made me feel less worthy for a long time.

But I've realized it's okay to feel insecure as we don't all grow up in environments where a solid sense of self can safely develop.

I'm certain of who I am now and I'm just working on building that foundation so it would be much more secure. I don't need to loop around anymore.

I had a lot of fog in my mind and whenever identity questions game along it made me spiral in that loop.

For now I try to become more at home in my femininity as performativity of it all considering my trauma is something I need to take baby steps with.

[HannahOne]

It's wonderful that you're feeling certain of who you are and getting a sense of your identity. As a teen, I was too busy surviving to explore, try things out, it just wasn't safe. I'm doing it now in my fifties taking all kinds of art classes, trying out clothes and makeup. Thinking about who I am didn't get me too far, I had to actually go out and try things.

Hearing that you feel like you're on the path of healing, finding clarity, and understanding that you have worth is wonderful. You're building a foundation for yourself, in safety.  Feeling secure with your insecurity sounds like acceptance, self-compassion, and wisdom.  

[Ran]

It's wonderful that you're feeling certain of who you are and getting a sense of your identity. As a teen, I was too busy surviving to explore, try things out, it just wasn't safe. I'm doing it now in my fifties taking all kinds of art classes, trying out clothes and makeup. Thinking about who I am didn't get me too far, I had to actually go out and try things.

Hearing that you feel like you're on the path of healing, finding clarity, and understanding that you have worth is wonderful. You're building a foundation for yourself, in safety.  Feeling secure with your insecurity sounds like acceptance, self-compassion, and wisdom.  

That is wonderful. I am so glad you are too now exploring it all. I want to take piano classes as I want to be a pianist. I wanted to play piano since I was a child.

It was all under such big fog before and yeah I am beginning to accept it all as it is and rather than focus on resentment I am focusing on being who I was always supposed to be. Finding clarity is what helped.

[HannahOne]

Ran, I hope you can get your hands on a keyboard soon! The hopes and dreams from childhood often have gifts to give us if we can make a little time and space to be open to them.

I live and die by this motto: Happiness, or living well, is the best revenge. Following this motto has been my superpower, amidst all my struggles, flaws and weaknesses. If I am pursuing happiness, allowing joy, making space for peace and contentment, I am living well, and some part of me is deeply satisfied that I am getting my full measure of revenge.