Acupuncture

[meursault]

I went to the local non-government mental health place today.  They get funding for sure, but are not an actual government agency.  They run the suicide line in my city etc.  Anyhow, I went to a drop-in counselling session last week before my legal stuff, and the woman I talked to suggested their acupuncture meditation group.

So, I went there today.  I...am...still...processing...it...

It was strange. I normally get very little out of meditation, but did it anyhow while the needles were in.  It was like I was in a wordless, waking dream.  I was feeling and aware of all sorts of the stuff that happens in my body and emotionally to me all the time.  I have waves of dissociation, almost this quick cycling where I check into reality every couple of seconds and then disappear into numbness again.  I was experiencing that, just watching it.  It was like my awareness was a skipping stone, and the environment around me was the water.  I felt the skipping of my consciousness back to my surroundings, and then back into the "air" of my inner trauma brain.  I went through all sorts of things, experiencing the physical and mental sensations of terror and self-hatred and all sorts of other things, but although I was feeling them, I was also witnessing them.  I don't know how to describe it.  A waking dream I guess, and similar to what lucid dreaming seems to be.  I almost started bawling at one point, and at another was shaking quite a bit.

Anyhow, it was well worth it, and I'm fairly reflective right now, almost like I just woke from some dream full of insight and cathartic experiences that I'm trying to puzzle out.

I had the sensation I got when I thought my therapist was rejecting me in the spring, when I had to temporarily move to the EMDR therapist for a few months.  Like there was a cylindrical meat grinder from my heart to my genitals, churning me inside out with terror and loss of self.  When I was experiencing that today, I imagined my therapist holding me and caring about me.  The sensation didn't go away, but it got weaker.

Anyhow.  I am probably coming across as kind of odd, crazy, or flaky.  I'm not into spiritualism or a non-rational world view at all, but I'm just describing the experience....  Anyhow, I found that well worth doing...

Meursault

[Three Roses]

Last summer I had a sort of introductory acupuncture session and really felt a huge difference after - mood and energy were both elevated.

Also tried some chakra work which I was very skeptical of, but I felt a positive effect when done. That surprised me.