My journey so far

[Little2Nothing]

Armee, my resistance is beginning to wane. My T has been patiently working with me to help me connect with my past hurts. I am learning how effective these exercises are and the benefit I derive from them.

NK, I think everything is distorted for those who have experienced significant trauma. It's hard to determine what normal might actually look like. Finding some way to distract the little rascal isn't a bad idea at all.  

Chart, thanks for the hugs!

Thinking more about the holiday blues. I think that the extreme contrast between the idealized Christmas and the reality in my home as a child made the longing for soundness even more intense. I lived in a bubble of unkindness, violence, and sheer terror. Christmas was never a happy time. That was my reality. Everything else around me told me that I was abnormal. My holidays never resembled the Currier and Ives ideal. A hallmark moment in our home was when someone didn't wind up in the hospital.

Every song spoke of happiness, joy and peace. The music was sentimental and left a lingering sense of longing. Now, I don't know how many people felt the same as me. I'm sure there are plenty. TV shows always had some astoundingly touching Christmas story. Some miracle occurred, some need was always met. The message was that Christmas produced miracles. Everything bad became good. 

As a kid I was on the outside looking in. I never had a Christmas miracle, no happy music, no sentimental reunions, everything I experienced was the exact opposite of that. The happenings at Christmas were no different than the rest of the year, but during the rest of the year I was not bombarded with promises of miracles and happy endings. As a child I believed the stories, or at least intensely longed for them. 

Those feelings of loss precipitated by the season were profound. At no other time of the year did I experience that compounded loneliness. That sense of loss stays with me along with the memories, fear, and sadness. I may never rise above this, but I believe it can get better. I'm not living there anymore, though someone forgot to tell that to the part of me that suffers this time of year. 

[Hope67]

I do want to report that I have been making good progress in relation to my cptsd. The EMDR seems to help even if it seems it shouldn't. I find myself less apt to lose my patience, though at times it is a struggle. The feelings of aloneness are less frequent, but not less disturbing when they come.

The aloneness has been a consistent part of my life. Though I can now shake myself out of it on occasion it wins more than not. I am grateful for the progress. There is so much damage that has to be undone. I have to keep reminding myself that healing is a process. It takes time.

Hi Little2Nothing,
I am just catching up with your journal, and it was so lovely to read your progress here - I wanted to cheer you  because it is heart-warming to hear.  I agree with you that healing is a process that takes time, but hearing you speak of the things you're achieving, it's very inspiring to hear.

Sending you a hug 

[Chart]

Thank you so much for sharing that, Little2. It touched me very deeply. I have much I wish to say but no time right now. I hope to respond tonight. In the meantime I send love and support.