Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[NarcKiddo]

 

[zen_racer]

I am feeling a lot better than when I last wrote in here.  I had been overwhelmed.  I had an experience before that session that I wanted to write about though.

At one point while talking with the woman I'm seeing (Lets call her B), we were opening up.  I think I may have asked if she had any reservations.  It may have come up some other way, but she said she had something to be honest about that might hurt my feelings.  This was late when we both should've gone to bed, but she asked if I'd be stuck thinking about that if we didn't talk about it due to time.  I said I likely would think about it, so she told me then so I wouldn't get stuck spinning on something vague.  She brought up that it didn't seem like I asked enough questions, and it made her feel like I wasn't really interested.  It was uncomfortable hearing that, because I was interested, but also because I had let her down in that respect.  I recognized that she was right, and didn't take that as an attack.  I assured her that I was interested.  I explained that as a guy, it seemed like some things were off the table as far as asking questions early on.  That subjects like asking about her kids could seem inappropriate or make me a creep.  But I also admitted that I think asking better questions is a skill that I need to better develop.  We talked about how I've been self isolating for so long, and compared that to how her job relies on skills of interacting with and motivating others.  I asked if that was a deal breaker, or if she'd be willing to let me work on that aspect of myself.  She is willing, and I've been working on that.

It goes a bit deeper though.  The next day, I had a great day at work.  I did have some wins on equipment I've been working on getting to be more reliable, but I think it also had to do with an unconscious shift in my outlook.  Driving home from work, I was relaxed and enjoying music a little more than normal, and realized that I was actually happy.  Not just surviving in a lack of feeling bad.

I think it had a lot to do with that talk the night before.  She may have had something to say that was uncomfortable to hear, but it was a type of boundary she was letting me know about, which she had been nervous about sharing.  But it had been a chance to bring us closer together with better understanding and respect.  It was a chance to grow and repair.  I let her know that evening all of this, and told her that her willingness to share that and accept that I want to work on it helped me feel more secure and thanked her for telling me that it had bothered her, and for doing so in a respectful way.

I think for the first time, I'm understanding how healthy relationships with others can be healing.

[NarcKiddo]

That sounds like a really helpful experience. I'm glad.

I don't know if this relates to your experience at all but for me, as a child, questions were DANGEROUS. In a massive way. My mother could not bear to be questioned, even if I was not questioning her but simply seeking information and then following up on aspects I did not fully understand. One of my fathers' mottos, that he was very proud of, was 'Never ask a question to which you do not already know the answer.' I had to find out my own answers to pretty much everything about life and am now having to unlearn a lot of 'facts' that were picked up by a traumatised child.

I think that being around dangerous people discourages us from asking questions, even if they are not as averse to them as my FOO was. I mean, nobody asks a slavering bear 'are you going to attack me?'. They make their own judgement and get the heck out. It does not sound like you feel B is dangerous but she is a new person and you obviously care about getting to know her, so with a trauma background I think questions may feel risky over and above the normal reservations you might have as a guy. Hence, maybe, why you are not yet fully skilled at asking questions. And now you are running up against a person who does not have this background and who expects to be asked questions because that is a normal part of life.

I'm really glad she is a person who will talk things through with you and that you feel safe enough to do so.

 

[Marcine]

 
I'm happy for you, ZR.