Living As All of Me

[NarcKiddo]

I'm just very frustrated. I'm frustrated that it is so difficult. Why don't I habituate? Why is it so hard to just cut fruit? I feel ashamed.

This resonates. I'm having similar trouble with walking. Walking? Anyway, yeah, something that would seem like a basic life skill that is causing me problems and shame. It's lung problems and my therapist is helping me - but the shame is there all the same. It sucks. Sending a hug to the part of you that is struggling with this, if she's OK with a hug.

As to your thoughts on revealing more about the CPTSD. That is tough and I have been grappling with whether and what to tell my husband for a long time. It became clear to me that he really deserved to know a bit more and I deserved for him to know a bit more. But the "can we have a talk?" is so hard. My method for discussing anything related to this is to toss it around in my head, much like you have done here. I have made sure I am totally clear in my own mind of what the problems are and what points I want to get across. I agree with the others who warn against doing anything if you are in EF territory. That's wise, but I don't think there is any harm in tossing things around in your head and on here at times when you feel up to it. Sometimes the recent, raw experience of an EF can bring helpful clarity to the table while you are in the planning phase.

And then when I am clear, I just wait for a good enough opportunity to arise organically. That's mainly me, because I cannot force the issue and sit him down and make it all about me. If there is an "in" then I can. Maybe he says something, I react unexpectedly, and then we happen to be on the way to the coffee shop which is a safe environment for me so I feel able to offer some more. If he is obviously relaxed, not checking his phone or whatever.

I notice there is a fairly significant part of your text asking them what they think and what their experience is, with some fairly structured questions. I'd personally suggest steering clear of that. Of course they will have questions that they may want to ask at the time or later, but I'd suggest not directing that part of the conversation. Not when you are going through the stress of the first talk at any rate. Maybe just say you expect they will want to know more and that you are happy for them to ask questions, but they must understand that you may not always be able to answer the questions right then. You might get emotional and having a full discussion could take several bites of the cherry. Part of being genuinely open (and therefore trusting and vulnerable) is that you hopefully learn that the person you think is safe is actually safe and will support you. But they are their own person and they will have their own questions, that may not be yours. You are taking a risk that they might ask an unexpected question. Maybe even one you don't want to answer or don't immediately even know the answer to. And I think it would be a healing experience to know that you can deal with that. You can say to them "I don't know" or "That's too tough to speak about right now but maybe we can come back to it another time" and see that those answers are OK. You can protect your parts with those answers if hard questions arise. You do not have to stage-manage the conversation to be safe.

You've got this HannahOne. Even if you do no more than think about this and decide to take no action, you've got this. You can look after All of You, and you are doing so.

[Marcine]

HannahOne, your words are beautiful, coherent, and ring with truth and desire to express your humanity in connection with other humans.

I disagree with some of my friends here on this one— I do not think you should put a hold on sharing. I think there is a world of sharing that isn't all or nothing, and that can respect the need to go at your natural pace. And respect your need to connect.

Even as you explore these deep, complex realms in yourself, you can drop "hints" or as you said float a "trial balloon" with others in your life.

It doesn't need to be a huge sit-down discussion with your loved ones. For example, it could be a small and meaningful "oops there I go thinking I'm 5 years old... you know I was punished pretty bad when I was little. Whew. But it's ok I'll just clean up the spilled tomato sauce. Give me a hand?"

*completely random example.

Also a thought, as mom, remember how you had the birds and the bees talk with your kiddos? It was probably not one, sit down, long discussion, right?

I imagine you opened the door little by little and they asked questions when they were ready to discuss and over the years an understanding was built...

With love,
Marcine

[HannahOne]

SO, SabnMagic7, The Big Blue, Marcine, NarcKiddo, thank you all for the heartfelt and caring comments, whether you're concerned for my safety and asking me to consider more before sharing, or whether you're leaning toward me sharing and concerned for the effects of NOT sharing. I value all your perspectives and they're all valid and so helpful for me to consider.

[HannahOne]

Sense Organ, thank you for your caution. It's very much needed. I don't automatically think about my own boundaries.

SanMagic7, thank you for sharing your experience. It's helpful to know we all may struggle with this problem. Although I'm sad it's been hard for you too.

Marcine, thank you for the suggestion to consider small disclosures in the moment, as with the kids and the birds and the bees talk. That's a really helpful way to think about this that I'm going to consider. If I do it that way, I'll have not opened Pandora's box.

the Big Blue, thank you so much for sharing your experience. And for the image of a map. That's exactly what I would like to do. The way you phrased it is much simpler than how I was thinking about it, the four Fs. That would make sense to anyone and I could use the metaphor of Frank. I am going to continue to think about this.

NK, thank you for sharing your experience and for your thoughts about how to skillfully entertain questions. I am going to think more about that. Of course, I wouldn't naturally think about my own boundaries around this, LOL That's really important for me to think about because I know one person very close to me will have a lot of questions that would make me feel over exposed to answer or would just be too difficult to answer in the moment.

It seems like no one so far finds my description of my difficulty problematic? I didn't plan a big sit down talk, or that my post was the script, I don't even know how to think of it myself but I think my post describes as best I can my experience.

Due to headache I'm going nowhere today other than the hospital tonight for a shot if it doesn't get better. Back to silent darkness. I will check in later.

[HannahOne]

The note in my medical record worked better today than earlier this week. I went to the ER for a migraine shot and once they took me back, the nurse seemed to have read it because she asked if I wanted to wait for a more private room. Didn't make me change into a gown, just offered it. The doctor asked me how I wanted the shot to go, gave me a squeeze ball for the IV. And had me out of there quick. I can't believe it. It doesn't work perfectly ever time but when people do know that I have "medical trauma" it seems to make it so much easier, even the things they can't change, just because I feel understood and am not trying to hide anything or pretend to be someone I'm not. Maybe earlier this week the doctor didn't see the note. Next time I hope I will remember to ask the doctor to check my record if I see things going off track in an appointment.

Headache much improved, rehydrated, and off to try to sleep.

[HannahOne]

I'm continuing to have migraine pain. So I can't use screens much and screens are one way to cope when things are hard. I've spent most of the day alone with my thoughts and my mind is not a good neighborhood, I really shouldn't be hanging out there. I've kept as busy as I can with tasks, tried to be present to my routine. Not feeling well and now it's night. I can't sleep.

Right now I have so much emotional pain. For no apparent reason. There's nothing terribly wrong.

I am so frustrated with my life. It's fine, and much of it is good, yet I want to run away from it. It doesn't line up with what I had planned and imagined for so long, _I_ don't line up. I'm just not happy, and I promised myself I would be happy. I feel like I'm the wrong self.

I have some travel planned coming up. I do get restless. I feel like I"m hanging on by my fingernails and the plans are too far away. I don't even want to do the plans.

I don't know what hurts or why. I can imagine reasons, everyone has problems, but none of them make sense.

So is it a flashback? Am I still triggered? I guess so?

I feel no one "cares" about me, "cares" because of course people do. I don't know what I want, what I feel is missing, what could my family possibly do to make me feel "cared" for? Seemingly nothing. I don't know what this idea is of some "care" that I want. I feel so burned out, I can't care anymore.

I don't even want to interact with Frank. It's been three days and I just throw him hay and lettuce. I can't talk to him. I look at him and feel nothing except the pointlessness of a rescue rabbit, guilt that  I haven't pet him, sadness that he's inside, even though he gets tense if I take him outside. Everything just feels wrong.

I'm sure the migraine is not helping, it' sa neurological event that causes all kinds of distortions and emotions.

The most accurate thing I can say is that I just want to be someone else. I want to crawl out of my life and out of my skin. I find myself unbearable. I'm tired of me. I hate me. I don't want to be me one more minute. I"m so frustrated.

And there's not been a good break or escape, can't sleep, no screens, music hurts, not quite up to driving/sun too painful. lonely. I have people near but everyone feels so far away like through a glass. The house is a mess and I don't care. I hate all my things and want to get rid of everything. I want to move to a different house. Every thing I have makes me feel strange. I am embarrassed of the mess and my things, why do I have a lavender PJ top, why do I have a basket of vitamins? It's horrifying, what if someone came over and saw my dresser drawers not pushed closed? I don't cook. The kids have realized they have hands and are making sandwiches, the "kids" who are late teenagers. But I ALWAYS cook for them. Even after surgery, no matter what I make them meals.

It's a very weird mood, HannahOne. This is a weird one. I usually am familiar with my moods and thinking and know things to do. This must be a migraine phenomenon. Or a really weird flashback triggered by I have no idea what. Mortified, alienated, frustrated, hopeless, feeling like my entire life is a failure, feeling uncared for and bitter about it, wanting to run away. What is that?

Weirdly during the trauma time I rarely remember feeling hopeless. I had so much hope, plans. It's only now out of the trauma that I sometimes feel... like nothing will work, like it's unbearable and pointless. During the trauma time I more felt rage. Never felt it was pointless. Always had a plan. Something about the post-trauma is harder, because... you have to be in the present, you're not living for a future. To an extent, I don't quite know how to be in the present. When the present is painful and there's no future to run to, I don't really know how to cope. I keep telling myself it's just a migraine, not the end of the world. Right now I feel scared I'll never reconnect with my life, never feel I'm in the right place with the right people, never feel like I inhabit myself again. But I'm sure I will.

Maybe I'm having some depersonalization/derealization. Usually if I have that, it's a brief episode like a minute here or there. But it can last longer. A migraine triggers weird aura, weird taste. Maybe those weird sensations triggered DP DR. Sometimes when beaten I would get a headache, if I was hit in the head. I had a "robot" part that wears a helmet, and sees things in black and white bits and bytes of data. Very derealized and depersonalized. Maybe I Feel beaten, and depersonalized, disconnected from my basket of vitamins, my rabbit, my people, my PJ top, my life. That's something robot does is detach from everything, so as to feel less pain. Looks at things only logically and if you look at my life logically it is a bit of a puzzle right now, I'm in a transition, between roles as kids grow up and leave, as I close ny business and try other jobs, as I get my health straightened out in an uncertain future for my body, as I decide about my marriage, as I look for a new therapist.... From robot's view that's all an illogical embarrassment, I don't have my stuff together right now. Robot would be frustrated with the lack of plan, focus and execution. Robot doesn't want "care," but after being beaten I did want care. So that might be another part. And then despair was present, although I had hopes and plans, I did lie on the green carpet afterward and feel black despair. That's another part. Hating the carpet, hating my wallpaper, hating myself, hating everything. And I did think about running away, I often mentally packed a suitcase, sometimes actually packed it. Never got more than a block away as a little kid. Always walked back in the dark. Sigh. Is this whole mood a flashback? Because my head is pounding?

Too bad the helmet seems not to be migraine proof.

I am so frustrated because I need to sleep. I have to be back at the hospital at 9 am for tests. I have to get up in five hours. I took sleeping meds and they're not working. I hope by morning the last of the medicine will be out of my system. The shot worked for almost 24 hours. I can't believe it didn't totally knock it out. The oncologist is calling in a different medicine for next week. I hope it's just this medicine caused a severe migraine and that tomorrow or the next day I'll feel more comfortable in my life and skin again. And things will make more sense.

things make a little more sense now. I'm having a terrible mood because the migraine is causing me to have some flashback. But things are fine.

Thanks for listening, All of You. I feel a little better. I think I'm just exhausted with a migraine and having some flashback. Makes more sense than that my life is actually a horrific problem I have to escape. Because I know just a few days ago, things made more sense. I have to put my eye mask back on and lie in the quiet dark. I will think of foods, animals, and countries that start with each letter of the alphabet so I don't ruminate. And hope by the time I finish those, I am asleep.

[TheBigBlue]

Hannah,
migraine + exhaustion + flashback sounds like a brutal combination. I'm really sorry you're going through such an intense night.

But even in the middle of all that overwhelm, a part of you was still observing, reflecting, and slowly finding some orientation again by the end of the post. That feels important.

I hope the quiet/dark/rest help a little, and that today feels gentler on your system. 💛 

[sanmagic7]

i echo TBB, hannah1.  there's so much going on with you, and it's difficult to find an origin or a name for any/all of it, and that has to be so disorienting in itself. 

i'm glad the 'medical trauma' note was, well, noted, and your experience went quite smoothly.  however, if, as you think, that note was overlooked, is it possible for you to bring it to the doc's attention right away?  sometimes i don't think they read everything, and a note like that could get skipped.

hang tough, ok?  i hope this lets up soon and you can get yourself sorted out.  it sounds awful, and i wish there was something i could do to help.  how about a soft pillow, a fuzzy fake furry to sit with you, a gentle blanket to enfold you?  a beverage of choice.  i can sit w/ you, read to you if you like.  that might help take your mind away from what's disliked, give it something more pos. to focus on, and let the screen go for a while.  love and hugs

[SenseOrgan]

I'm scatter brained right now, so I hope I'm making sense.

I'm so sorry you're going through this painful cocktail HannahOne. Migraine alone is very tough to deal with. It would make sense to me that the med not working as hoped can trigger hopelesness/helplesness, setting off a cascade of dark thoughts. It also blocks coping mechanisms to fall back on. Making looking at a screen difficult, for one. That's a narrow bandwidth to exist in, and a powerful mix of emotions to relate to that take center stage, and you not knowing for how long. If you can't actively move towards a desired outcome, that's challenging to be with. It is for everyone, and it can be a giant trigger for survivors. I wouldn't be surprised if you're in the middle of a flashback right now. I don't know about you, but for me that's not necessarily clear when I'm in it. Lot's of overwhelm, strong emotions, racing thoughts, inability to connect. A tiny boat in the rough waves. Yet, the ocean floor is always there. I hope you can experience beingness and connection in all of this. What it means that you're going through right now can be dramatically different in their presence.

Much love. 

[HannahOne]

A note to thank you all. That was terrible. LOL. I am better at the moment. Whatever the drug is I will always have the side effects. It should be out of my system soon. I the truly appreciate the story and pillow, SM7, and the care, TBB. SO, thank you for the care and the reminder about the ocean floor. I drew a wave and put it on my mirror, I really need this concept right now, or this anti-concept, lol, about the ocean floor.

I do think helplessness has been triggered. I need to remember that too. I can solve just about anything, but I can't solve this. Color-coding, researching, hiring a lawyer won't help, LOL. As a kid I Was always solving the problems. No food? Dog biscuits! No one home? Put on record player! I just can't solve this situation that way, I can't solve midlife, I can't solve my marriage or my family, I can't solve my career conundrum or my health problems so easily. I have to live with these difficulties and live into them and tolerate uncertainty and struggle. It's just not so simple as an adult.

I listened to some Stoic philosophy today, there's some things there I've always liked since I learned it in high school. It's the basis of CBT, and although much of CBT was trash for me personally, the reminder to not be too attached to "externals," to "love fate," to choose what is possible to choose are all very important. Somehow, this medical stuff is my fate right now. I can learn to love it. At the hospital today seeing all the other patients, I mean, hospitals exist for a reason, flesh is frail---I'm not alone in it, people spend their whole lives studying it. It's not a curse on me personally and I'm not being abused. It's just very triggering for me because of a past incident as a child with a doctor and I think some of why I'm so frayed at the edges is the constant appointments. Each one stresses me with navigating the relationship, feeling unheard or feeling taken seriously and then put into a bunch of tests (poor docs can't win!), the sight of the white coat, being examined, hands, then worrying about what they're typing into the computer...I haven't gone to doctors for years because it was too hard. And, I'm really almost done. I have a small surgery Tuesday and a follow up Wednesday that should be virtual and then, I'm done for a while. It was a very busy 5-6 weeks with nonstop tests and appointments, but I'm almost done! I got through all the body systems LOL.

I have one area of trouble that I want to note. I keep ripping off any bandages, bracelets, stickers, etc that get put on. I get very irritated and just have to rip it off, I don't know if it's a sensory thing or what. I really disturbed my last therapist by pulling on a popped stitch without thinking. It's not a self harming action at all, I just get really... angry or irritated and can't stand to have whatever it is on me. I want to watch for this and try to notice before I rip the thing off. today it was just a bunch of leads and stickers but next week it may be a few stitches or a bandage and I don't want to rip without thinking.

I have so many good things coming up that are also my fate. I continue PT and I keep gaining muscle and losing fat, I'm so much stronger now, I look different, I move different. I am about to start a ballet barre class and I'm so excited about it. I am excited and sad about cancer camp. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea but I am thinking it will help to be away from my chores and family as much as I love them, to be with other women all in my situation, to hear their experiences, and at the end there's a fabulous "breastival" rave party, LOL...  I haven't bought club gear in.... ever, LOL, I grew up in a Christian cult and married at 21. So. Much. Club. Clothes. in my Amazon cart. Who is this person buying tiny strappy club clothes? I don't know who I'm becoming! It's something totally new and different to go to a camp, a tiny silver lining, and although it makes everything more "real", which doesn't feel good, I will be surrounded by many others in my same boat, which already feels good to anticipate. I still haven't told anyone but my partner and my sister. I just dont' want to talk about it with people in my current life, or make it real that way.

It's so tough this question of how and what to share, how to make things real, when to keep them compartmentalized and keep less real. How to be oneself with others when oneself is...problematic. Or in pain. Or in parts.

A therapist reached back to me today and we scheduled for June 1. I dunno if it's going to help or be worse but I want to try and get some more stability.

And other good things. Next week I'll paint with my friend. The deck will get painted.

To do once the last of this migraine is gone: clean up the house. Frank have mercy. It's mainly a mountain of clean laundry, and some paper chaos in the bedroom. And Frank: was served kale and spinach today with a blueberry o the side. He is hysterical about blueberries. He can only have one per day and it's been a while since he's had one. His eyes glaze over. He cannot believe it. His whole world reduces to a single blueberry. I pet him a little. He's a heartbreaker.

[sanmagic7]

hey, hannah1, good luck w/ the new therapist - i truly hope this one 'fits' with you.  i know it can make all the difference. 

wish i could say more, but i'm struggling today.  but definitely sending love and hugs your way.

[HannahOne]

SM7 you never have to say more than you want. Thank you for being here.  I know you are going through a tough time right now.

[HannahOne]

TW FOOD ISSUES

Kids have activities today, and their own rides. I drove an hour to a big park. Being outside is good. The lake smells like mud, I love that.

Part of me wants to be cared for, to be taken care of.

Other parts of me do not want me to be taken care of and don't want emotional support, don't want feelings.

I struggle to eat, and sometimes to drink water. It's been a lifelong issue. I relate it to having food intermittently as a kid. I had enough food to survive, it would just be a day without, then a day with, a few days with food, a few days without much. Or just not many options, and scrounging around to eat. Or eating things raw that should be cooked.

If you don't eat much for a day it creates an altered state that worked for me in many ways. You feel a lot less emotion. So it's a crutch.

It's also a control issue. If I don't eat, I feel strong/show myself I don't need anything. And I also don't feel.

I am so much better than I ever was. I'm actually barely overweight, not too thin, and I do eat most days. But it looks like decades of not eating properly have led to some heart issues. I don't know how to feel. I feel sad. Angry at myself. Scared. Frustrated, annoyed. And unsure how to marshal myself to take better care of myself. Just drinking water is important, it prevents migraines, it reduces the cholesterol and stuff in your blood apparently, it reduces strain on the heart. I have to drink water five times a day.

And yet I prefer to avoid drinking water some days. It's a weird deprivation game.

I've got the workouts down, and that helped me be hungry and want to eat and want to drink. I just have to dial it in better. I've been signed up for a nutritionist and put into a clinical trial so I''m literally getting texts from a very bossy nurse who interrogates me several times a day about my heart rate, oxygen number, how much and what I ate and drank, and how I feel. I'm being cared for! I want to get serious about this and plan my meals more, focus on cooking for me and not just the kids/partner... Focus on me.

But All of Me is so dang complicated. I can't get myself on board.

Overall with this news I'm feeling helpless and like I don't have the control I thought I had. I feel a bit helpless in my family life, as the kids are growing/grown, helpless with my "career" as I want to change fields but not sure yet what I can do, helpless with friends to make more, helpless with my health, with everything. This is actually healthy and appropriate for midlife, to realize one's limits, to reckon with time, to accept one needs to slow down, or refocus on your values, or take better care of yourself, to realize one cannot control everything. I think the problem is that I have an inner 5 year old who finds this all extremely triggering, who thought that they could control everything, do good things and get a good life, that a good life somehow solves emotional pain or makes one exempt from the laws of time and space where one gets older and has a physical body that needs care....

As a kid I had a huge existential weight on my shoulders every day, to protect my other family members and to survive without becoming drug addicted, pregnant, mentally ill. Check on the first two anyway, LOL. Sigh. This huge existential weight has always been with me, where every choice matters, every choice could lead to life or death, could lead to college or prison, could lead to marriage to a good man or to being trafficked. Every choice was so weighted. So fraught.

I am feeling the existential weight all humans experience now, appropriately for my age. That yes, it matters if I eat or not, drink or not, work out or not, feel my feelings or not. It's just triggering the old weight, the old existential fears/stresses.

And also I'm so tired. Because I've been carrying this existential weight my whole life, of never feeling safe, never feeling far enough away from the place and events of the trauma, never feeling I've "made it." Chronic stress is the other cause of my condition. LOL. So I have to change how I relate to time and space, to myself. I don't think my life is truly much more stressful than anyones, in some ways it's less stressful. I think it's inside me, the stress, the nervous system on overdrive. It's not "the stress" it's how I"m responding to the stress in my life. The feeling that I'm not safe and didn't make it out, when anything not preferred happens concluding that I failed, they won, I didn't make it, still being in fight mode, and still being in flight.

I did make it. I moved across the country. I had the big jobs and worked in the big city and no one was the wiser... I am financially stable, we have to be careful and responsible but we are stable... I am not in abusive relationships... I raised kids, traveled, studied and got degrees, I did the things I really wanted to do... I can pretty much do whatever I want. I made it! I totally made it just fine. Making it just didn't do what I thought it would do when I was a kid. Undo the past, make me into someone to whom all of that never happened. Make me happy all the time, make life easy.

I had to think life would be so easy, or I would've given up. I had to think I'd be SO EFFING HAPPY or I'd have given up. I had to think life would be AMAZING. That I could have a big job in the city while being an earth mother stay at home mom, that I could have financial riches because I would earn them while also being an artist and poet and dancer, .LOL.... that I could have very few limits.

The adult me can reckon with all of this.

The little me's cannot cope.

I have to remember the ocean floor that SO keeps mentioning.

And come more and more into the present where I can make myself meals, drink water, care for my clothes. Where I have in fact, "made it," gotten out of the dangerous situation into life that's just time and space, electrons colliding, the ho hum danger that is every day where I could get hit by a bus. 

I was thinking that I've done all my goals of just a few months ago, the wildlife rehab job, the painting every week, friends every week, working out 3-5 times a week, like, I did it. I want to get into a pool and start the ballet class, maybe drawing.

So my new goals are to focus even more on the habits of eating and drinking. And to feel my feelings more. And when I notice choosing not to, to reevaluate my choice. Yes, I have a strong need for freedom, don't tread on me, for space and time, independence. And, choosing not to eat and drink three times a day can't be a choice anymore. I need to make it more part of my routine.

When I eat and drink, I often feel very sad. Having seems to trigger the memory of not having. Anyone relate? I avoid the very things I need. It makes me feel vulnerable and I don't like that feeling. But I am not a SuperHannahOne. I'm just HannahOne. I'm made of flesh. I am going to have to feel more of my feelings. Frank, please no!

How will I do it? by caring for myself. While I am feeling very "uncared for," the fact is I have been cared for in my life. Very much cared for, cared about, and sometimes even taken care of---despite my constant rejecting of anyone offering care, caring, or trying to take care of me. I need to remember that, too, just like I did the big job, I had the big love. It's not enough in the sense that it doesn't undo the past, and it doesn't last forever, nothing does. But I had it. And I need to care for myself. If I cry because I have to drink water, I'll just have to touch my arm with my other hand and say "Sorry, sweetie, this is so hard. Sorry you couldn't reach the sink to get water." I'll have to have more compassion for myself. I've been trying it and noticing it works. The intensity of the feeling lasts just 30-60 seconds usually. Avoiding that is unnecessary and it's harming me. And sometimes it lasts longer and turns into an hour of crying. Oh well. Crying is much much healthier than shutting down, not eating and drinking and staring at the wall for hours. And that can be a hard state to get out of. I've spent the last three years getting out of that state of shutdown. I need to work now on not even going into it.

I am thinking this might be the only way to go "forward", to carry on with life and what healing there is to be found: to tolerate feeling vulnerable, tolerate old feelings, and care about and for myself. Just as I did for my kids for the last 20-ish years, they never were hungry or thirsty... I cared for every scraped knee and sad feeling, I validated all their emotions and sat with them in times of struggle, I listened, I reflected back, I rubbed backs and patted backs and hugged and gave out foot rubs and drew warm baths and brought cups and cups and cups of tea....I know how to do this. 

Yes, I still want to work on receiving care from others, and find more caring people. And, none of that will help if I can't tolerate caring for myself, if I Can't act on caring for myself. If I don't actually care enough about myself to not continue to harm myself now that I know. I have to be the adult in the room. No one is going to bring me a cup of tea and a sandwich. Like the little red hen, I will do it myself.

Looking at the bigger picture, I have an existential choice. There is absolutely no point in having preventive surgery if I'm going to give myself a heart attack. There's no point in avoiding a heart attack and then not taking action surgically to prevent recurrence. There's no point in cleaning my house and working out if I'm going to not eat and drink. There's no point in wearing sunscreen if I'm going to avoid food and water for days at a time.

Like, I have to choose. I have to get myself together and get everything moving in the same direction. I have a choice, thank Frank. Right now I still have a lot of choices. Growing up, there werent' many good choices but every time there was a better choice, I chose it. Amazingly. I made one really stupid choice in the midst of a flashback and got involved with a bad dude. Otherwise, I made good choices whenever there was a real choice I could make. And right now there is a choice I can make.

I would like to choose life, in every way that I can.  While I know some parts of me are furious, resentful, and want to not choose life, or just have other priorities, I need All of Me to understand that there's only one HannahOne and where I go, All go. Those who can't stand for me to eat can go sit in a quiet soundproof feeling proof room inside and pretend they're not a human and don't need food. Shrug.

Not sure what other deals I can make, how else I can reduce the inner conflict, how else to force myself to accept care, LOL. How to try really hard to receive, haha. How to work really hard at not working so hard. SNORT!

Both kids are out at least two more hours. I have some chicken and asparagus here that I rustled. Just trying to get ready to eat it. So hard to do. And then, pack for cancer camp and work on sorting my papers and laundry a bit more. I cleaned up the whole house this morning with regular rests. Feels good. Just have to do a bit more with the endless laundry! Trying to get the younger kid to start doing their own, slow going....

Frank is eating vigorously, he has to eat such a large volume of vegetation every day to extract enough protein to survive. He seems to spend most of his waking hours grazing and chewing. I would like to sit with him while I try, er, while I actually do eat this. But he would be alarmed that I'm eating a bird. I guess I'll eat here with my dog, who is bouncing off the walls to be served some of the bird and can' believe I continue to type as the smell of the cooked birds wafts around.... The dog and I will share the bird. And then on to putting the environment to rights.