I Am

[Bach]

Hope, thank you for your reply and your encouraging words.  I think over the past few years I've sort of lost my expectation that I can change, but today I feel like I might be able to get it back and start to progress again.  That's a refreshing feeling. 

I appreciate this community and all responses to my posts!  I wish I didn't have such a hard time participating here.  I never know the "right" words, not to say to myself or to others.  I'll keep trying, or trying to try, or something. 

[Hope67]

 

[NarcKiddo]

I agree with Hope. You have listed some good progress points. It seems like progress has ben incremental and you haven't really noticed it. Your post makes it seems like you're still not fully noticing it. Or maybe it's not that you are not noticing it so much as not feeling it. I am glad you have written it down at least and hope you will soon start feeling it more.

 

[sanmagic7]

so glad for your progress, bach, be it big or small, it all counts.  and that feeling of being able to get back to more progressing is beautiful, for sure.  keep up the good work.  love and hugs

[Bach]

My mental health is fragile today.  Maybe a backlash from yesterday's good productive day.  She's right, I can't stand to feel good.  I never notice what I'm doing to undermine positive feelings until after I've done it. 

[sanmagic7]

bach, personally, i think that's a tough one to break thru.  if we weren't raised being made to feel good, we don't have experience with it, it can feel foreign, unusual, even distressing.  it takes time and practice to undo the harm done to us.  being able to recognize it, tho, to my mind, is a huge first step.  keep going, ok?  love and hugs

[Bach]

bach, personally, i think that's a tough one to break thru.  if we weren't raised being made to feel good, we don't have experience with it, it can feel foreign, unusual, even distressing.  it takes time and practice to undo the harm done to us.  being able to recognize it, tho, to my mind, is a huge first step.  keep going, ok?  love and hugs

I do feel that my increasing ability to notice myself performing that pattern is a step toward the breaking of it.  The biggest problem I have with this and everything else is that I have no patience for the process, or really for any process.  For sure I need to get a handle on that.  I do tend to ignore or discount bits of progress because they're all SO SMALL.

[sanmagic7]

i get it, bach, i do, about the patience thing and the progress being so small and slow.  i also know you've heard it here that every step counts, no matter how small.  so, may i invite you to begin the next step of knowing that? you're doing the best you can with what you've been given in life, and all these little tiny steps do add up over time.  just keep at it, ok?  sending love and a hug full of patience and knowing

[HannahOne]

I relate to the struggle with small, slow progress, Bach. I try to remember that trauma is "too much too fast" so healing has to be a little and slow. I can only go as fast as the slowest part of me. Rooting for you!

[NarcKiddo]

I do tend to ignore or discount bits of progress because they're all SO SMALL

That's a very easy trap to fall into. I only got out of it to any extent when I got into my fitness pursuits and past the 'newbie gains' which one can usually amass quite fast. Then things became a grind and if I was not going to give up I had to find ways of pointing to progress. Hence turning into a total data nerd where fitness is concerned.

However, the big picture matters too. Even if you are inclined to ignore or discount bits of progress, they are still happening. And you are noticing differences in how you are reacting now compared to how you were reacting months or years ago. That's important. I remember training for an open water swimming event where I had to swim a mile. Mostly the training was in my local pool so I could count laps. That was a process of noticing the small steps. Then we went on holiday where there was a lake that was about a mile wide. I decided to swim across the lake, and my husband accompanied me on a boat so he could bring me back. I was heading for this hut on the other side of the lake, and my gosh. I swam and swam and this ruddy hut NEVER seemed to get any closer. I stopped for a brief rest and looked back at the shore I had left. OMG! How far I had come! If you have trouble keeping score of the little steps, maybe you just need to look back every so often so you can still trust the process. You are recording lots of progress, even if it feels so small that you don't fully count it as progress.

[Bach]

Self-regulation does not mean escaping the feeling/emotion.  It means regulating the somatic responses to the feeling/emotion, the previously unrecognised physical reactions of my body that make the feeling/emotion big and scary and threatening.  The stomach clench and the wash of tension into my upper body that follows it.  THAT's the part I'm looking to modulate and settle.  The feeling/emotion is okay to have.  It can stay even if it isn't comfortable.  It's the body's instinctive threat response to the feeling/emotion that makes it problematic, that makes me want to get numb and not be here anymore.  Soothing the physical trauma response is what the regulation exercises are for, not making the feeling/emotion go away.   

[dollyvee]

That sounds like a great realization Bach 

[NarcKiddo]

 

[sanmagic7]

i'm with those two!  these realizations can be pivotal for our recovery and healing.  keep going, bach, ok?  love and hugs

[Bach]

The problem is that I'm not very comfortable with the saner version of me.  My nervous system would still rather be tumultuous and overstimulated than placid and regulated.  It still wants the thrilling and crushing extremes more than it wants the milder pleasure and more tolerable sadness of the even keel.  How can I teach it different?