Stuck

[Ran]

I have many ambitious dreams that energize me, but for a while I have been feeling stuck and unable to move forward with anything what leads to me feeling overwhelmed.

Like I don't know what to do, because I feel I am stuck in a loop.

This particular feeling started with me being infront at the gender committee and having been denied testosterone treatment.

After that I felt that I lost kind of momentum.

I started feeling empty. I was scared.

Having to come that far after living as a man for 2 years at least partially out and all the experienced transphobia, homophobia and invalidation made this kind of redundant.

It shaked me inside as I was clear on my identity only to be told that this is shaped by something mental health related like possibly trauma. Medical proffessionals invalidated me. Telling me why I such a beautiful woman would damage myself like that. Some even discriminated against me telling my issues are weight related, just by looking with no analyzes.

It was in a way a sense of freedom and the denial was a catalyst that made me reanalyze myself again and be in a questoning loop even though I very well know who I am.

Even if I tried again I'd be invalidated and shut down.

When I lived as a man socially it was a different kind of freedom. I didn't feel suffocated. I felt I could be more brave somehow.

I had bodily autonomy to choose, but the door was shut.

I feel like I am unable to decide towards any path forward. I may daydream, make elaborate plans yet stay in the same place. The gender committee was a biggest thing I ever went through with solely based on my own decision.

In ways my own dreams are a lock as well as I'm someone who dreams of performing, but with this huge anxiety and I am not pretty at least to what a standard is to begin with. There is a risk of becoming a huge target.

I am terrified of it all. I think this stops me.
There are feeling of panic, that this will be a huge catastrophy and I'll feel frozen in place with it all seemingly impossible and there being barrier.

I think I am overestimating the risks of this all, like it would become a world scale thing, where I am just the target of everyone.

The conflicts I have got myself into are one of the comparison points. If it can happen in online communities it can happen in real world.

I feel terrified of it all. I hate my anxiety.

I like my cute female voice, but if I look more like a guy than female, then I'd become a target of riddicule.

It's how the city I live at is, but such people are everywhere.

Even when I was trying to be out socially the how my voice sounded vs how I preceive myself was distressing enough to give me a panic attack middle of work.

I've done so much work to get this style of voice. I know though with voice training I can manage it, but I don't know if I have the drive to do it alone.

I guess as a nonbinary I can be under transgender umbrella, but yeah this is my identity. I am admitting it.

But who wants to be something unassuming. Something that makes someone ask out loud if they are a woman or man. And such a person wants to perform to boot.

I just should crawl way back corner of the closet and be quiet. 

Worst part no one even cares. Like 2 people remembered to wish me happy birthday withouth me telling. I'm pretty sure one does it out of obligation. I don't really care about my birthday or want to celebrate as I'd end up doing all of the work.

[Hope67]

Hi Ran,
Just wanted to send you some support, also wanted to say that I heard your dream to perform within everything you wrote, and I really hope you'll be able to do that in some form or other at some point in your life, and I very much hope that you don't give up with your dreams and aspirations. 

If it's okay, I'd like to send you a hug as well 

[NarcKiddo]

There are feeling of panic, that this will be a huge catastrophy and I'll feel frozen in place with it all seemingly impossible and there being barrier.

I think I am overestimating the risks of this all, like it would become a world scale thing, where I am just the target of everyone.

I am so sorry you are having all these struggles. And that, after being brave enough to go in front of the gender committee they denied you the treatment you wanted.

I also hope you don't give up on your dreams and aspirations.

The text I have quoted sounds like feelings I get when I am in an EF. I don't know if you are or not, but it would not be surprising if your difficulties had tipped you into an EF so please be gentle with yourself as you work through this.

[Ran]

Sorry I didn't add trigger warnings or anything. I know I should have.  I'm just not in the right mindset.

Hi Ran,
Just wanted to send you some support, also wanted to say that I heard your dream to perform within everything you wrote, and I really hope you'll be able to do that in some form or other at some point in your life, and I very much hope that you don't give up with your dreams and aspirations. 

If it's okay, I'd like to send you a hug as well 

Thank you I truly need the hugs right now. 

There are feeling of panic, that this will be a huge catastrophy and I'll feel frozen in place with it all seemingly impossible and there being barrier.

I think I am overestimating the risks of this all, like it would become a world scale thing, where I am just the target of everyone.

I am so sorry you are having all these struggles. And that, after being brave enough to go in front of the gender committee they denied you the treatment you wanted.

I also hope you don't give up on your dreams and aspirations.

The text I have quoted sounds like feelings I get when I am in an EF. I don't know if you are or not, but it would not be surprising if your difficulties had tipped you into an EF so please be gentle with yourself as you work through this.

Thank you too.

I Googled EF, but I'm not sure if I got the right meaning. What does it stand for?

My psychologist said I do have signs of adhd, but I also believe I am in the neurodivergent spectrum. In my family there is history of autism. I also have DiGeorge Syndrome.

[Hope67]

Hi Ran,
I just saw you asked what EF stands for - it stands for Emotional Flashback. 

I'm glad you were okay with the hug, and sending you another 

[Ran]

Hi Ran,
I just saw you asked what EF stands for - it stands for Emotional Flashback. 

I'm glad you were okay with the hug, and sending you another 

Thank you. That is making a lot of sense. I did thought if what I am going through is related to CPTSD as I thought it was some sort of release happening.

I think I have been in my episode. Sometimes I can tell and sometimes I can't tell at all.

 

[Kizzie]

Hey Ran, I saw you are from Estonia and googled that and trans rights. I came up with this organization the Estonian Trans Alliance (ETA) that could be helpful to you I don't know. There's certainly a lot on their web site and it likely would feel great to have some peers to talk to  like here who get it.

Hope this is helpful!

Kizzie

[Ran]

Hey Ran, I saw you are from Estonia and googled that and trans rights. I came up with this organization the Estonian Trans Alliance (ETA) that could be helpful to you I don't know. There's certainly a lot on their web site and it likely would feel great to have some peers to talk to  like here who get it.

Hope this is helpful!

Kizzie

Thank you Kizzie. I will definetly look into it. I never have heard of them before.

 

[zen_racer]

I'm sorry that you went through that experience and were denied, Ran.  That can't have been easy to go through, and it makes sense that you feel like you're at a standstill.  I'm happy that Kizzie found that Alliance though.  I haven't been through your experience, but I have been through some other shocking experiences that also left me directionless.

For me, I would give myself time to grieve what I had lost.  In your case, maybe you didn't lose your dream, maybe it was just the timeline you wanted for it.  After I had a chance to grieve, I would start asking myself questions to figure out which way I wanted to go.  I would look at the options in front of me, and also try to find if I could create my own options for things.

I'm sorry that you feel so alone as well.  I purposely ignored my FOO on my recent birthday where I turned 50.  I did have two friends text me.  But I have hope now.  Now, I have a name for what I've been unknowingly struggling with for so long, causing me to sabotage almost every friendship/relationship I've had.  And now that I know what I'm needing to recover from, I have hope that I can learn to make more meaningful friendships that will far outshine the breadcrumbs that I got from my FOO.  Life can be better.

For what it's worth, happy belated birthday!

[Ran]

I'm sorry that you went through that experience and were denied, Ran.  That can't have been easy to go through, and it makes sense that you feel like you're at a standstill.  I'm happy that Kizzie found that Alliance though.  I haven't been through your experience, but I have been through some other shocking experiences that also left me directionless.

For me, I would give myself time to grieve what I had lost.  In your case, maybe you didn't lose your dream, maybe it was just the timeline you wanted for it.  After I had a chance to grieve, I would start asking myself questions to figure out which way I wanted to go.  I would look at the options in front of me, and also try to find if I could create my own options for things.

I'm sorry that you feel so alone as well.  I purposely ignored my FOO on my recent birthday where I turned 50.  I did have two friends text me.  But I have hope now.  Now, I have a name for what I've been unknowingly struggling with for so long, causing me to sabotage almost every friendship/relationship I've had.  And now that I know what I'm needing to recover from, I have hope that I can learn to make more meaningful friendships that will far outshine the breadcrumbs that I got from my FOO.  Life can be better.

For what it's worth, happy belated birthday!

Thank you. I appreciate it. I'm glad that you are recovering and understand your needs now. That is so important. 

I had a crash where everything changed for me at 2018 when I graduated. Like I lost my whole career due to health struggles in 2020, but feel like it all was in motion since 2018. 2020 I lost my job. My profession was caregiving. I worked in nursing home, since 2018 and then went to nursing for a year as I struggled there and 2020 I was working in emergency care unit in the hospital during Covid.

Then there came spa therapist studies what all I graduated. Ths was begginng of gender related crisis for me. It took this crisis to get me out of 25 years of dissociation.

I also I wasn't able to land any jobs there after graduation due to my health. I knew tehniques, but the strength wasn't there.

And then at my 30's the full understanding of gender stuff.

Trauma did blur a lot of my identity. I had trouble with things like individuality. I looked for what would make me me.

Then there was a loss of my old identity what I did grieve. I listened all sorts of sad songs and such.

There are several traumas and losses stacking up, since childhood I am still untangling. Grief has also stacked up. With some of it I was able to release. I told all my feelings to the forum staff in another place that was my lifeline during identity struggles. They have been very understanding and patient with me. So I was able to move on, but there are other griefs I need to deal with.

I feel that with one friend I became closer to as we both deal with grief though different ones.

I also feel that I have pulled away from people and possibly self sabotaging some of the relationships myself, because I feel I want that closeness yet same time it makes me feel uncomfortable.