Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[NarcKiddo]

Thanks for the update. It all sounds really positive. I think you are wise to stop trying to make others happy or like you. Of course we want others to be happy and to like us but that has to be possible without burning yourself out in the process.

[Larry]

thank you everyone,   the bartending job didn't last long,  the bar closed.  it has been for sale for a few years,  hopefully it well sell soon and new owners will fix some of the issues.  a friend of mine didn't talk to me for 2 or 3 weeks,  she is now talking to me again like nothing happened.  i know it was my fault,  i don't know why i seem to question wether people like me or not,  but i think she gets tired of it.   I might have another night time bartending job ,  wating to hear,  day time jobs should get busy in a few weeks

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry that job ended but I hope you find another one that suits you well. Sorry you are having issues with your friend. It sounds like you are glad she is talking to you again even though she has not explained why she went silent. I know it is easy to assume we are the problem when people do things like that, and maybe you are correct in your assumption. But maybe you are not. If she's a good enough friend you might find a way to ask her some day if you want to know. At any rate I think it may be worth bearing in mind that you are not automatically the whole problem, or even any part of it, if things are not working out. I know it is easier said than done, especially for those of us with CPTSD since we are so used to blaming ourselves.

[Chart]

...i don't know why i seem to question wether people like me or not...

I know how you feel Larry. It's trauma. I'm the same. Sometimes I catch myself thinking things and realizing I've been obsessing for a long time about what someone will think or is thinking or really feels about me (usually negatively). I get really annoyed with myself... who cares... well, apparently my trauma-functioning brain cares... It has gotten better over time, but it's still frustrating to me. I'd like to be free of all that...
 

[Larry]

Thank you NC and chart,   It would be nice if we all could be free from that,
  I rode my motorcycle yesterday,  haven't done that in a month,   did some things around the house today.  Really hoping to get busy with work soon.   I am going to take my resume to a few places tomorrow.   i can feel a depression episode creeping up on me,  doing my best to not let it happen

[sanmagic7]

good luck with the job search, larry.  i hope you get into something you like.  and i hope you can ward off that depression before it gets its claws into you.  best to you with that.  love and hugs

[Larry]

wow,  I haven't been here in a long time.  So much has happened,  my wife had cancer removed from her intestine,  she is still recovering.  I am not sure where we stand anymore.  When I leave the house i always say I love you,  she responds with, "have fun at work"   I have been working days and nights,  it is almost too much.   I really need a break from everything for a month or two.   I have been drinking a lot again.    i thought i had that under control.   sometimes I feel like i do not have much time left.    i feel like the best days are behind me

[NarcKiddo]

Hello Larry. It is good to see you, although I am very sorry to read of the problems that have kept you away from the forum. Dealing with cancer is of course gruelling for the sufferer but it is really tough on those around them, too. So I can fully understand why you have been turning to drink. Please don't beat yourself up about that, but I hope you are able to find the strength to cut back down at some point. You have done so well with this before so I have confidence in your ability to do it again when the time is right for you. I am sorry things are looking so bleak for you right now and hope the future looks brighter soon.

 

[Chart]