My Pity Party

[woodsgnome]

Christmas always struck me as the holiday of extreme hypocrisy; it's also associated with times of some very gloomy personal memories. For years, though, I've been pretty good at obscuring those memories and developed my own brand of an alternative take on the season. Finding there's lots of folklore and music that I find appealing, I've been able to endure and even thrive on aspects of the season.

It's still avoidant, though. And in place of obvious direct threats to me it's like there's more sinister explosions that threaten to roil my fragile emotions into a raging inferno. My tendency has been to guard against this; to the point of hyper-vigilance. But this year the whole mess has boiled over, or caught up, or something that's set in and I'm not even sure what precisely triggered it.

I'm awful, per usual, at fishing for words to describe the utter futility that accompanies this mostly numb feeling of seasonal angst. The words that seem to fit the best are familiar, though; so I'll go with those -- sadness, ripping anger, frustration, failure, and worst of all -- self-hatred. I grieve that I could fall into this pit again; that my careful guarding failed. That I thought I could wholly avoid deep sadness, that I was only confirming my own hypocrisy.

Sorry for the extended rant, broadcast live from my pity party. Held in my 'party room', atop something I came across in a dream. In the dream, I was living in a creepy old house that provided minimal shelter. One day I discovered a secret passageway leading to an upper roof I hadn't been aware of. For a while it just seemed too scary, like everything else in that place (and my life).

Finally, though, curiosity won out. I opened the hatch to a stunning mansion featuring another ladder leading to a magnificent sky. The whole scene spoke of possibilities, close in and further out. I think I've found my Christmas wish for this year. Can this be -- do I feel the 'pity party' shifting from numbness to anticipation? Dare I call this my 'dancing day'?

[Hope67]

Hi Woodsgnome,
I'm glad that your curiosity won out, and you discovered the stunning mansion and ladder leading to the magnificent sky - maybe you will have a 'dancing day' afterall, and if you do, I hope you enjoy it, and revel in the freedom of it.
Sending you a hug, if that is ok 
It's also nice that you have found lots of folklore and music that you find appealing.  I have recently been trying to listen to music again, after avoiding it mainly before, as it evokes very strong feelings for me, but I think it's worth it to enjoy those things.
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, wg,

i've always heard that houses in dreams represent ourselves.  perhaps you have been living a dismal life all this time, but your mind is recovering itself and your very own self as you continue healing, and it can see the wondrousness that is you.  you'll make it - we can see it.  love and hugs

[Kizzie]

It's interesting that the ladder led to a beautiful, expansive sky - your rising out of the deep dark woods perhaps? My hope is that it is a sign your dancing day is on the horizon. 

FWIW I don't know that you had a pity party, for me it sounds like more a facing the truth of your life and losses framed against what others have. 

I hope you will be able to let go of the crushing self-hatred you feel and face and embrace the truth that you were in no way responsible for what happened to you. You were a child and there was no escape. You do not deserve your anger and I hope you send it where it belongs so you can climb that ladder and rejoice in the sky, breathe in the fresh air and feel the sun on your face.     

[Blueberry]

It didn't sound like a pity party to me either woodsgnome. This season is fraught with difficulties for lots of mbrs on here and you were just describing how it has been for you this year.  for curiosity and for your courage to go that route. It led you somewhere special

[Kizzie]

    

[woodsgnome]

Dear friends, you're truly awesome. Thanks for being so kind in responding to my little pity party that turned on the memory of a dream.

As several noticed, the poor-me aspects of the party seemed to morph into recalling that dream of finding that mansion with the ladder to the beautiful vistas above. Something I forgot to mention was that the original series of dreams with that motif did indeed include a dance, and that imagery has stuck with me as well.

In fact, dancing in spite of my lifetime of grief has become an interesting theme of current happenings; all connected to music that's affected me lately -- in particular, 3 songs about dancing. Each of them involved reactions to extreme incidents that involved dancing right past the pain and even, in one, past all the graveyards of memory that haunt us.

Adding to this recent abundance of dancing-themes that has passed through me is another interesting oddity -- for over 2 years I've been hobbling on a badly injured leg. Actual dancing is out of the question, and yet I find these 'mind dances' anyway. Maybe all pity-parties should have them.

Yet the most important part, in this sharing, was just to have received the support of others on this forum. The deal is -- other than my therapist, I have no other 'live' human support (I did have 4 friends who were a core support group, but they all died arond 5 years ago). Granted, some of this hermit-like existence was deliberately chosen for a variety of reason, including ones you can probably guess involving other people I won't mention here (they already haunt me enough).

A little bit of a ramble, but rambling is what woodsgnomes do lots of. Basically, all I wanted to express comes via this sentiment:       !

                               

[Kizzie]

  Cyber dancing alongside you