Tired of trying to convince myself I am not in the past anymore....

[Ecowarrior888]

I am tired. I am tired all the time. It is constant warfare in my head. Constantly trying to convince myself that I am not at my dad's house anymore. That my husband is loving, caring and considerate. Our home is safe. Lately though my mind is just reeling. It never stops going in circles. I can't stand being home alone not because I don't want to be. I want to be home but my mind starts getting disoriented and thinking I am in the past again. I work so hard to feel better and to be better. I have therapy once a week, I take my meds every day, I use all my coping mechanisms: yoga, painting, singing, playing guitar or uke, playing video games, watching comedies, going on adventures like Kayaking or birdwatching and swimming. Swimming is the best one for me; it is like it almost resets my brain but lately it isn't as effective as it used to be... it helps for a few hours and then I just plummet again.... And now.... it is almost October. The holiday season is starting and I think my symptoms are just getting started....again.

Does anyone else feel like this?

[sanmagic7]

hey, eco,

i have felt just like this in the past.  exhausted.  i can't tell you how many times i've posted in my journal about just how tired i was - tired of the battle, tired of being sick, tired of everything going thru my head ... and on and on.  sometimes i still am.

however, as i've continued in recovery, the tiredness, the exhaustion have receded.  they still come and get me, but on the whole i have more energy today than i had 6 mos. ago, and then i had more energy than i had 6 mos. before, etc.  this is a process that has its own set of challenges, and they are exhausting - there is no doubt about that. 

i'm glad you've got a t, also, who can possibly help you get thru it all, including the holidays.  please, don't hesitate to let this holiday season be 'less than' your usual standards.  i've been there, have had to let several beloved traditions go and keep them gone for several years.  it was just last year that i had the energy to bring back some of what i used to do, and i think this year i'll be able to bring back a little more.

we all have our own pace with this stuff, and it can be heartbreaking to know that we're not up to where we used to be w/ things like holidays, social outings, etc.  i fought it for a long time, but actually, it ended up being a relief when i gave myself permission to not bake christmas cookies or decorate the house the way i used to.  it was only for a while, tho - it's coming back, and that makes my heart sing with joy.

so, hang tough, sweetie - you've already got the warrior spirit going on.  you can also lay back on the battle for a little bit if you want.  it's a matter of accepting that we're not in the same place as we were last year or whatever (something i fought against, but which also hurt me by doubling my exhaustion and putting me out of commission for a month after).  just wanted to let you know you're not alone.  we're hangin' right beside you on this.  the ups and downs of healing can take their own tolls on us.  i hope you can be as gentle with yourself as possible.  sending love and a hug filled w/ rest.

[Ecowarrior888]

Thank you so much <3 This means a lot to me. That there may be a light at the end of the tunnel.
I have to figure out how to about my holidays still... I've been married for 5 years and it is always a struggle coming up to it. Especially when my family is still toxic and sometimes I just really want to see my Mom and that's it...
But you are right, just celebrate holidays for what it is and I can change up my traditions. Any suggestions would be amazing I am hispanic so anything that isn't would be something new for me

[Three Roses]

When I'm feeling hounded by the past, I like this mantra -

I am safe
I am here
This is now

(The meaning -
I'm safe from harm, no one around me is violent.
I am here, in this physical world, in this physical place.
I am here in this present time.)

I repeat it until I feel better.

Our sense of smell is a good way to access feelings that are deeper than our thoughts. I like a nice, clean smell like lemons or lavender. If you can't use the real thing, try to use essential oils - your nose may not be able to tell the difference but your brain can! I stay away from fake scents and heavy, overly perfumy scents as this reminds me of my parents' house.

Another thing to do is rearrange your furniture if possible. Brighten your room with some fresh cut flowers - even one can cheer me.

I hope you find these suggestions useful. 

[goblinchild]

Oh, my friend, I know how you feel very much. I wish I had advice, but I'm right there too.

I always feel like there's something wrong with me, or something I could be doing better, because this feeling has drug on so long and surely it should be better by now. And I feel guilty like I'm asking the safe people in my life to have an inhuman amount of patience with me since they've been understanding for so long and I feel like my trust should be like a reward but I'm....withholding that reward from them somehow? I don't know, it's not a good way to think. It hasn't helped, lol.

I'm not sure if it's good advice but I try to tap into the feeling of "safe-ness" or "loved vulnerability". Since those are hard, sometimes I'll just start with the feeling of "content" or "comfortable" since I can feel those by myself where I feel safer. I've found "safe-ness" and "loved vulnerability" are feelings that have other unsafe feelings attached to them and that's why I have such a hard time. "Loved vulnerability" has this extra little feeling like "This is when it would hurt the most if someone hurt you. This is when you're the easiest target. Beware. Be prepared!" The vulnerable feeling triggers it. Which sucks and I feel like that's the sort of thing that needs to be mourned. It's sad in a profound way that my feeling of "loved vulnerability" could be wronged that way. I don't know if that makes those piggy-backing unsafe feelings go away yet though. I haven't gotten that far yet, but I'll get there. We'll both get there.