Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.

[Hope67]

Thank you Three Roses, Jazzy and Tee 
Hope 

[Hope67]

5th September __
I feel quite low today moodwise, and I feel like I'm in touch with grief and upset, and I feel like I want to cry, but it's all being held inside somehow and not wanting to come out.  I feel as if I have a lump in my throat, and my head hurts too.  Like a dull headache, and a bit like sinus kind of pain in a way.  Not sure what it is.  I've been over-eating as well, which I think is comfort eating.  Wanting to fill a void that is there.  I'm not sure what the triggers are to this today.  I think I could find the triggers if I thought about it, but I'm not sure which thing it is - there are a few things that it could be.  I am seeing a friend this evening, so I hope that I can get myself into some kind of sociable frame of mind by then.   I am not sure how easy that will be.  I want to cancel, but I know that I want to see my friend. 

Maybe I'll take something for my headache.  Painkiller of some sort.  Might help. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i hope you have a lovely time with your friend, sweetie, and also hope you're not getting sick.  maybe you'll discover the trigger(s) behind what you're feeling and will be able to get things in their proper places.  sending love and a hug filled w/ clarity.   

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic - I did have a nice time with my friend, and thanks for your reply - I think maybe I have got an underlying bug of some kind, as I don't feel completely ok, but I'm not too bad at the same time - so maybe it's just a small thing, and I'll shake it off hopefully.  I was pleased that I managed to see my friend, and that I didn't cancel the arrangement.    Thank you also for the love and hug filled with clarity - I felt that 

***********
7th September __
This morning I woke up and felt low in mood but as the day has gone on, I have found that I feel better - and also I feel as if there have been some moments when I've felt some happiness and some joy.  So that was a nice thing, and it was unexpected really.  I have just read something that Slim wrote in another part of the forum, where Slim spoke of feelings being created, and children, and I relate to that - because when I'm getting in touch with my feelings, I relate to them in terms of being different parts of myself, and it's like they are 'me' at different ages.

I really related to Slim's writing and what Slim said.  It made a lot of sense, and I have been feeling as if an adolescent part of me is currently blending a bit with me - because I have felt more adolescent as a whole person for a few days, and it's affected me in many ways. 

I've just remembered also that I woke this morning with a pain in my left half of my head, and it made me think that a pre-verbal part of myself had been active overnight, and had caused this pain.  But I can't relate to what happened or what the things were, as my memory won't bring them back to me - I just 'sense' it. 

My mind has gone blank now as I try to think of things to write, it's like nothing will come, so I'll hope to come back later when I have more to say.
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i give you so much credit, hope, for continuing to embrace your parts, allow them to be, and to ultimately integrate into the whole that is you.  i had a brush w/ an adolescent part of me when i first moved in w/ my d.  it was about the mr., and honestly, i felt like a hormonal teen and she was the mom figure.  first time i'd ever felt like that in my life.  luckily, my d stood her ground and we were able to work thru it, and that part of me is not at the fore anymore, but it was an interesting experience.  i hope yours is interesting more than unsettling - that wouldn't be as comfortable, i don't think.

so, you're feeling better?  hope so.   i'm glad you saw your friend, that it went well for you.  very cool!   

that is so great that you felt moments of happiness and joy!  is there anything better than that?  i don't think so.  here's to wishing you feel more and more of those as time goes on.  you deserve them, sweetie.  love and hugs!   

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much for giving me that example of how it was for you when you brushed with the adolescent part of  yourself.  I'm glad you were able to get through that, and work it out with your d.  Regarding my own experience, I think it is mostly interesting, and occasionally unsettling, but I'm doing ok with it.  I think that acknowledging that she is an adolescent 'part' of me - rather than an integral aspect of myself, makes it somehow easier to cope with.  But I do feel blended sometimes, and that is disconcerting when that happens.  You asked me if I'm feeing better - yes, I think so.  Thanks so much - you are a caring and thoughtful person, SanMagic, and I'd like to send you a hug if that's ok    Thank you for your love and hugs, I appreciate them.   

***********
9th September __

I was reading some E-mails that my sister had sent me - and I was reading through what she had written, and I was shocked because it was as if I'd not been able to process or read them correctly when I'd first read them.  It was as if a lens had been put infront of the words, and their meaning had been twisted by that lens - so that I was unable to see and grasp some of the things she had been saying.  Honestly, it was like there must have been a part of me who had not wanted me to see some of what she'd written there.  I felt as if I was reading those things this time with fresh eyes, and a fresh understanding.  It was a strange experience and I also looked through some old documents that I had as well - and noticed new and fresh things I'd not noticed or seen before. 

So this is something that is taking me a while to re-process, and I think I feel a mixture of feelings about it.  Maybe it's that I'm more able to sit with uncomfortable feelings and not necessarily push them away or dissociate from them - and that makes it easier for me to actually 'see' things. 

It's almost making me wonder if I can reach out to my sister again and re-gain some kind of contact, but I need to be very careful about that, as I've tried a couple of times so far, and the outcome hasn't been good.  So maybe I won't act on that thought that maybe it's a good idea.

The other thing that happened this week was that I saw an old friend and I talked to that friend about some personal things, and shared some things I'd never told her before, and she was so supportive and she told me that she wants to look into finding a T for me - that she thinks I could do with a good T to help me, and that she thinks she can find someone.  There was part of me that was very touched by her wanting to do that, and offering to do that, but there was also other parts of me that didn't want that to happen.  I know she will only do this if I specifically ask her to - so I know that she won't just go ahead.  I guess I'm humbled by the fact she wanted to help me.   But I told her that I have a support group and that I'm ok.  By support group, I mean here - because this is my support group - everyone here 

Regarding my parts, I am aware that some of my adolescent aged parts are trying to communicate with me, in my sleep at night - and I'm also getting in contact with a feeling of terror and dread at night too - but not knowing what age that is connected to, and not really getting much substance behind what the feeling is.  It doesn't worry me or upset me though, I am just trying to be mindful and think about the fact it is being shared with me.  That is a better way to experience it, and I find that helpful.

Regarding my work, I am still doing the voluntary work, but I'm cutting down the amount of time I do that - which is fine by the people I work for, as they are happy about whatever work is done for them.  I'm beginning to look at things I'd like to do that might bring me some money at some point - I can afford to live as I am currently, but I'd like to have money to spend on extras a bit more often, so I'll be thinking about how I can generate some income.  I have some ideas, and I think I could make a success of them - that's the optimistic part of me that feels that.  But I need to do some courses and learn a couple of new skills, so I need to look into that.  But at least I am putting something into place, in my mind, and I need to act on those thoughts.

I feel more optimistic just now.  It's a good feeling.

Hope 

[Snowdrop]

This sounds like progress, Hope. 

[Not Alone]

Hope, I don't have anything specific to say. Just want to sent care and support.

[Hope67]

Hi Snowdrop and Notalone - thank you both so much.   

***********
11th September __
I've been looking through more stuff that I've written in the past - on paper notes that I keep in a book, and I've also been re-reading some of my sister's E-mails.  My sister's Birthday is coming up soon, and I am once again considering whether to re-contact her to send her a card or not.   We are estranged and I've not seen her since I was 6 years old, so that is decades ago.  I watch those TV programmes about Davina McCall reuniting families - and they often show them meeting up and crying with joy and love for each other, and it looks like it's a happy ending, but I can't imagine it's really like that - I think it's for TV that they portray it that way, and I wonder about all the families where the outcome was different.  This makes me feel upset inside, it makes me want to cry, but I'm not crying, just a lump in my throat. 

I am taking a day today to try to get myself more organised, and sort out some things at home.  I have the entire day to do that and I hope to do stuff and get some things done.  I'm going to write myself a list, and see what I can do.

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i, too, have a sister from whom i'm estranged, over 25 yrs. now.  my experience has not been good when there has been an effort made to reconnect.  the last time was when i was so sick w/ cancer and thought i was dying.  my bro got upset, emailed my sis to tell her, thought it would be a kind of 'get all us siblings back together' kind of thing.  well, she didn't even acknowledge what he sent, let alone show any care for me, and that hurt me a lot.  i just don't want to see that happen to you, dear hope.  i know you've tried w/ her before and it hasn't ended well.  please, be careful w/ this.

hugs from you are always more than ok, by the by. 

as far as getting a t, just my own personal thought - i wish i had one.  i know i'm getting along ok because of you and everyone here on the forum, but some decent therapeutic help would, at least for me, be so welcome.  it would give me direction, guidance, and a different kind of support because it would be thru another perspective that my issues could be looked at and acted upon.  it would be a relief not to have to figure this out more or less on my own and make these decisions about what to do next, how to do it, etc.  just my thoughts.  of course, i support your knowing what's best for you.

and, i think it's sweet that your friend offered that for you, and also that she'll respect your decision.  good for you for taking that risk w/ her and telling her some of your life.  very brave of you, hope.

sending love and a hug filled w/ personally healthy decisions.  you're the only one who knows what's best for you. 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi Hope I just wanted to pop in to say hi and send a  , it sounds like you are doing so much work. I tend to agree about the families on TV being stage managed, I am sure they're not all like that.

[Tee]

  hugs take care of you Hope!

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I read what you wrote about your estranged sister, plus the other things you said in your reply to me, and I read them a couple of days ago, and they really helped me - thank you.  I know that this time of year is proving to be more challenging for me, because her Birthday is coming up, and I am ending up feeling some uncomfortable feelings and then don't know whether to act on them or not, and of course, I have numerous parts of myself who have different thoughts and feelings about what to do, how to act etc.
But thankfully - I have mentioned it here, and received such a helpful reply from yourself, which helps a lot.  I'm trying to give myself time to think about what I will actually do.  So far, I think I would be better not to make further contact with my estranged sister.  Part of me actually wanted me to cut off contact via Facebook too - by removing her from my contacts - but I'm not sure whether I want to act on that thought, as it seems quite aggressive somehow to do that.

Hi SaB - Thanks so much for that hug, it is much appreciated, and also what you said about the TV families on TV being stage managed - I agree, I think that is a possibility quite often - the more I talk to people about their experiences with their families,  I realise that what can be portrayed on the outside isn't necessarily what is happening within the family.   

Hi Tee - Thank you so much, and I appreciate that hug, and sending one back to you as well   

**********
14th September 2019
My partner told me that I've been waking up at night and saying things to him, and then being a bit confused when he replies to me - but I have no recollection of those things at all in the light of day.  He made me laugh, because last night he told me I had woken him by saying "Shhhh" and he'd said 'It's ok, you're asleep' and I'd replied 'Oh, ok' and then gone back to sleep, then he'd said 'Shhhh' - and I'd apparently replied 'Why are you doing that?' - and then I'd slept, and he said he was left feeling a bit annoyed that I had woken him, and now he's the one not sleeping, and I am sleeping again.  At least he was able to laugh about it with me today, and it's not upset him.  We both talked about the fact that it's much better than it used to be - i.e. I'm no longer crashing out of bed, or flailing about, or anything like that.  I am much calmer at night, these days.  That's better than previously.

Somehow I feel a bit silly now for having written about that.  It's like I wanted to write about more serious things, and now I can't think about what I wanted to say. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

14th September 2019

***Might be Triggers in this writing, as I may mention CSA, but don't intend to write anything graphic here, but wanted to give a TW just incase:
I've been thinking for a while, and unable to commit any words to this space, but now I want to write something, because I think I've been avoiding certain things, and so I want to write myself a few notes to hopefully focus myself again - because I feel as if I'm ready to start to do more exploration and more befriending of my parts, and I feel that I've been skirting around things for a while, as I've felt unable to delve much deeper into things. 

I think I avoid the issue of whether to approach a T again - because I give the excuse of finances, but in reality, I have saved money, and I could pay for some therapy - but the truth of the matter is that I am reluctant to trust that the T would be able to help me.  My friend said she would help me to find someone that I could Skype - as she recognises the difficulty of where I live, as there is limited opportunities here for T.  I do have a T that I could see, that I've seen before, but I am not sure how much that person could help me as I didn't open up fully to her when I saw her, and she only knows certain things about me, and not all things about me.  I felt as if she didn't want to work with me on CSA - but I didn't know if that was my own fear of doing any work on CSA. 

I had been reading a book by Mary Bratton, and had started to do some experiential work on that, but that was ages ago.  I could therefore try to find that book again, and do some more work on that.
Or I could go back to the Dissociation Books that I had started reading, and take up where I left off on those.
Or I could do some work on my anger - and my feelings - I suspect that would be beneficial work, but maybe I would be better to do that via the CSA book. 
I'm not sure.

A T might be able to focus me, or work out with me where I should target my focus.  But then I suspect that if I saw my T I saw before, that she would be keen to know from me what I want - and maybe I don't know what I want.  So it feels like a difficulty.

For some reason there is part of me that wants me to tear up my old diaries - which are things I wrote by hand over the years, and part of me has an urge to just take those diaries and tear up the pages.  I am not sure why that is.  I normally like to keep things and read them back, and process and re-process them, but when I have read some of the things I wrote in those diaries, it's like it was written by someone who was just 'going through the motions' and not really 'feeling' anything.  Like a child had written those diaries, and the child was scared that they would be read.  I guess that was the case when I was a child - I remember writing just once about my sister in that diary, and then blacking out the words with a very thick black pen, so no one could see what I'd written, as I was so scared that my FOO (parents) would see what I'd written and realise that I knew the truth about our family - and that feels so ridiculous when I think of it, because I was being asked or expected to deny the existence of someone who was very much a part of our family at some time.

I'll leave it there for now, but I'm glad I was able to write these things.
Hope 

[Snowdrop]