Taking those concrete beneficial steps

[Blueberry]

More steps:

As soon as I got on the computer, I wrote down on a piece of paper what I want to do: check business emails; check weather forecast; OOTS. Done, in that order. When I check my business emails I can see if any private ones have come. I saw a response from the retreat T to comments of mine on the weekend and how Narc Male was treated in respect to me. Having the little list helped me to ignore the email for the moment. I'll read it later. Don't have to deal with it now.

Awareness: I'm practising it. My slow pace in life is a form of awareness, even though I often rush around, presumably to cover up the awareness again. At the retreat a number of other participants gave me feedback on how self-aware I am and how much they'd like to get there too. I hadn't seen it that way at all in the last few years in fact I thought I maybe needed to do a course in mindfulness. Apparently not. It's in me already, just waiting to be implemented bit by bit at home as well.

My awareness is leading me to the right tasks for the moment. I've been cleaning in odd corners that I wouldn't otherwise have thought of. Not everything at once, just bit by bit. I've also thought of getting a woman from the LETS group in to clean basic things like floors. That would really help, freeing up time and energy for cleaning and tidying up in those odd corners, drawers, boxes etc

[Blueberry]

Another concrete step: I'm taking a little break before my next appointment because I realised I'm not up to the task I'd set myself: phoning a publisher's to inquire about some books. I realised my mind was going all fuzzy like when I phoned the power company a couple of days ago. So best leave it till I'm better grounded.

I'm keeping on conversing with my stuffed therapy animals, which is still beneficial. And I'm continuing being mindful when eating.

[Blueberry]

Still mindful about eating, and eating fairly healthily too.

Yesterday I ran a number of errands including two where I felt my energy drain away, but I went and did them anyway and when I was successful, my energy came back 

Today I dropped by on my landlord (instead of emailing or phoning) and asked: When are you going to finally get my shutters installed properly again??

He was nice about it in a way that makes it hard for me to go through with deducting 10% off the rent for August in September. It's too late to do it for August, but he didn't respond to the letter the Tenants' Association sent him and in that there was a threat of taking some of the money off the rent if he didn't respond by a specific date, since past. So I know cognitively it's best to follow through with it but emotionally it's difficult. He did the "Poor me, I've got so many properties and tenants to look after" so I feel guilty. Undoubtedly that's why he's doing it.

I said to him that if he'd bothered to answer my emails over the months and say "I hear you but I can't get contractors in for e.g. 3 weeks" that would have been acceptable for me, but just ignoring all my attempts to get a response?  That just gives me more work. He also showed me the bill for the work done on the exterior of the building "Just look at what I've spent on improving the look of the building". I retorted that I'm not the only one in the building, not the only one to profit. It was completed at least a month ago, except that the contractors didn't put my shutters and a few things like that back up and I can't do it myself. It's not my fault his contractors didn't complete the work properly.

I hope having written that here it'll help me stay strong about this.

Atm I'm continuing to pace myself and complete things off my To Do list, some of which have been on it for months. I did have a nap in the afternoon because totally exhausted, but then I got up again and continued. Little bit by little bit, I'm doing odd bits of cleaning, clearing 'piles' off my floor, throwing some things out. I went to an absolutely fantastic concert of baroque music this evening. I really enjoyed it! So it's not all work and no play either. 

[Tee]

  yeah for self care.  Good luck with your landlord, and sticking to your needs.

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, sounds like you are doing a good job of being mindful, getting things done, and being aware of your needs and taking care of yourself. 

[Blueberry]

Thanks notalone and Tee! 

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I woke up tired and remained pretty sleepy and/or yawning-tired most of the day. I got the reasons down to three: (1) the fact that I'm looking after pets this weekend; (2) the fact that it looks as if I'm either going to have to clean the toilet I share with the other business premises all the time or 'discuss' proper and regular cleaning with the new business; (3) it feels as if too many things are piling up and I'm getting behind

One concrete beneficial step accomplished: Feeling into all of this.

The next steps would involve doing EFT on (1) and (3). Probably on (2) too. That would be "I accept and forgive myself even though cleaning toilets exhausts me". It really does exhaust me beyond what would be normal. Idk what's behind it. Maybe a few days after EFT, Screen Processing?

Further steps to mitigate (3):  Determine most important and easiest to accomplish tasks for next 18 hours and just keep going bit by bit. Pretty high on that list is going to bed

[Blueberry]

I got the reasons (for tiredness) down to three: (1) the fact that I'm looking after pets this weekend; (2) the fact that it looks as if I'm either going to have to clean the toilet I share with the other business premises all the time or 'discuss' proper and regular cleaning with the new business; (3) it feels as if too many things are piling up and I'm getting behind

I'm tired today too but that's partly due to farm work yesterday. From the above list, (3) still feels like a problem. Though a few  minutes ago I checked the calendar to remind myself there are 3 more weeks of school holiday, a period in which I always have less work/more time so I don't need to be panicking about the time running away yet. Reality checks are good! The other business in the building took the week off so (2) is not something I need to deal with this week. It's no longer the weekend so I'm no longer looking after those pets at their house.

The next steps would involve doing EFT on (1) and (3). Probably on (2) too. That would be "I accept and forgive myself even though cleaning toilets exhausts me". It really does exhaust me beyond what would be normal. Idk what's behind it. Maybe a few days after EFT, Screen Processing?

I didn't do any of this Even for the points which aren't problematic this week, it would be good to do EFT, because they're not actually solved, even if below the surface again.

Some beneficial concrete stuff I got done in the last few days: Today I finally had a bath and washed my hair, twice in fact. I feel much better now, especially about my hair. I added a few comfrey leaves from the garden to the bath water since they are supposed to alleviate itching and it has helped. I used those leaves a couple of days ago too, where it also helped.

Today I returned a tool to a friend. I cycled there the direct way but I came back a slightly longer but prettier route, along the bottom of a hill and past colourful gardens. So I got a little fresh air and exercise and did something I enjoy. Baby steps only!

My meals were none too healthy today and I was only mindful of the fact that I was not caring about eating my feelings down, BUT I did remember later on that I can choose to return to healthier mindful eating at ANY time so I had some salad in the evening. Reading back on here also reminded me to converse with my stuffed animals!!

I spent a lot of the day sleeping and dozing but I'm accepting that I needed that for some reason.

[Blueberry]

From the last few days: I bought some much needed new clothing in the sales  Trying on and buying clothing is really difficult for me, exhausting.

I applied to do a couple of pieces of contract work. I didn't actually get either of them, but I tried.

I got a bunch of stuff like sheets and skirts mended, by the new business. Some of them had been waiting around for me to do them for a year or more, so this feels really good!

I got on with some work in my old flower/herb bed in the garden, the one I've taken back. In that way, I'm reclaiming it and showing everybody that it's mine. I'm showing a boundary, even tho I'll undoubtedly say it at some point too. I was able to prune things further back than I usually am (aka 'getting rid of things').

[Tee]

  nice job Blueberry big steps!

[Snowdrop]

Those sound like very good practical steps. 

[Blueberry]

I stayed in bed half the day on Thursday and on Wednesday I slept all afternoon, having got up really early to go to therapy. It's now in the early hours on Friday and I haven't done my therapy homework yet.

A new version of EFT: using it to reinforce a good memory. I'm meant to be tapping through "I'm being protected" every day for the next 2 weeks. 1-3 rounds. I did one round in T on Wed. and yawned like crazy. It's meant to partially heal both the needle trauma, other physical trauma e.g. CPA from B1, and some of that stuff from Narc Male and the feeling of not being protected enough from him / taken seriously enough.

My therapist doesn't cease to amaze me. He was actually surprised I have decided to stay with him for the next while.  I said from a new therapist I'd anticipate the question What they could give me, that current therapist has not done so far? (cuz I've been asked that kind of thing before when trying out new therapist, going to another inpatient place etc) So I'd try harder to do my homework and get on with suggestions from current therapist. But my current therapist said his answer to my question is: a new therapist could offer me weekly appointments and go a lot deeper and help me more along the way with things like eating disorder, which I'm beginning to look at. Looking at it and discussing progress every 6 weeks isn't ideal, especially when you're still in the middle of healing and not sort of at the end and beginning to wrap up loose ends. My therapist said that the pace I'm going at is my correct pace and it's not because I'm slow, or dumb or lazy  It's just the time I need to heal.

So much stuff I learned and absorbed in years of non-trauma-informed T appears to be wrong. All that self-accountability stuff and those direct questions designed to shake me up or remove me out of my 'comfort zone' which was undoubtedly actually a protection zone. So I'm a bit nervous about trying out a new therapist in case they don't work and think like this one. I'm actually not planning to take that concrete step right away, and I don't have to either.

I suppose I needed to stay in bed Thurs. morning. I did quite a bit of tidying in the afternoon, and after that cleaning floors. So that was beneficial. Later on some gardening. The 2 Little Furries were delivered Thurs. I've already been talking to them and picking food for them.

[Jazzy]

All the best with unlearning the old bad therapy, and moving forward with new and better. I hope your new T works out too, when you decide to go that way. You're a real inspiration with all you manage to get done. Good job!

[Blueberry]

Thanks for that feedback, Jazzy. Me, an inspiration! That old ICr. doesn't think so but what does it know??
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I'm feeling fed up today for no particular reason, and tired as well. I have done some of my jobs for today. I didn't sleep very well so eventually got up in the middle of the night and continued sorting through papers, some of which have been sitting on a stack waiting to be filed for 4 years. Some I filed straight in the wastepaper bin 

I did do my EFT at some point in the night, all 3 rounds. I note that it feels really strenuous and I'd rather file papers or doze or...

[Hope67]

  to you Blueberry, if that's ok, and well done for getting some of your jobs done.  Sorry to hear you didn't sleep very well though.  That wastepaper filing system sounds like a useful one.  I am trying to do a similar thing myself today, but it's so hot and I am wilting.

I agree with Jazzy that you are an inspiration.   

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

wow, blueberry!  i've been out of it for a bit, but coming here, seeing what you've been doing while i've been away is so impressive.  yes, and inspiring (pooh to the ICr!).  i applaud you  on your tenacity with your landlord.  his problems w/ fixing that place up are definitely not your problems! 

i know that at times, day to day, we see ourselves faltering, not going thru w/ what we said we'd do, avoiding this or that, but seeing what you've shared over a period of time makes it very clear how much you've dealt with and how much progress you're making.   you're doing such a good job overall of sticking to your plan, doing what comes next, taking a break, tackling the next problem, situation, or issue, it's quite amazing.  even your tone exudes a newfound strength that wasn't there a year ago.  progress, indeed!

well done, blueberry!     sending love and a hug filled w/ continuity.