Tee's first journal

[Tee]

Thanks San that means alot.

[Not Alone]

The physical and emotional flashbacks that you are experiencing sound horrible. For now, moment by moment. As you are able, take deep breaths. When I'm in a really bad place, being on the floor, holding my bear, with a blanket over my entire body and head, feels the safest. What feels safe to you? What place in the house? What position of your body? What items help to bring comfort? Here with you, Tee. You are not alone.

[Tee]

My kids are my anchors. Hugging on them helps calm me unfortunately they are no longer babies and have minds of the own so.. At 7 and 11 they don't let me hug on them as much and I don't want to cause trauma to then by needing them to much.
Other than that I don't really know.

[Not Alone]

Wait until they are teenagers!  Nothing makes it all better. Looking for what brings a little comfort &/or helps you to be more present. For example, right now I have a hot cup of coffee. I smell it, taste it, hear myself sip it, look at the mug and coffee (light brown because I use a lot of cream), feel the heat of the cup and the heat of the coffee in my mouth and then as it goes down my throat. I use this for grounding often. If you have air conditioning, try wrapping yourself in a blanket. I hope I'm not giving too many suggestions. I know it is really hard. I care. 

[Tee]

  I appreciate it the suggestions. Actually the blanket suggestion reminded me about my blanket I made for myself for Christmas last year. It has pictures of my two kids all over it.  My theory was that I could wrap up in it to help ground me to get hugs from my kids when they weren't around or didn't want to give me hugs. I haven't used it when I was this messed up but wrapped in it now hoping it will help.  Thanks for the reminder.

[Not Alone]

Love your blanket. Brilliant. Please add my hug. 

[Tee]

  Thanks notalone still really struggling. Going to try coloring and then going to bed.

[Tee]

I'm not where I should be the physical pain when I move is still triggering. And my little are still upset but not as bad as yesterday. 
My T said that the reason everything is so intense is because I've not felt the full emotion of fear since I was little and split and was able to hide from it. 
And that now I have to teach my IC is ok my H isn't going by to hurt us. We don't have to be afraid.  Not sure I can do this yet still just trying to stay in the present and keep from getting sucked back into flashbacks and stuck in the loop.

All the love and support yesterday is so appreciated. I'm so glad I found this place to be seen. Thank you all. Trying to make it to Wednesday when I see my T.

[sanmagic7]

may i add some weight to what you need to hear?  this is to tee's ICr:  tee is beautiful and strong, so get off her, leave her alone.  she is doing what she needs to do, and doesn't need you to muck it up for her.  tee has a warrior spirit that has been helping her through all this, so get out of its way.  she deserves her own space and the feeling of warmth and safety.  get back to where you belong, cuz ragging on her is not your place anymore!!!

don't know if that will help, but it came from my heart, and has strength and power behind it.  hang tough, sweetie.  we here with you, caring about you, wanting only the best for you so you can make it to wed.  i think your blanket is a wonderful idea, and a great substitute as your kids grow older and further out of your reach.  you have this innate sense of problem-solving, and this blanket is proof. 

sending love and a hug filled w/ strength and caring and angel wings to fan the fear away.   

[Tee]

Thanks San.  I actually talked out loud to my IC last night.When I went to bed last night I started freaking out And I told myself out loud."it ok, it's going to be ok we're just going to sleep is ok."    then I hugged my pillow and tried to go to sleep. I still didn't sleep very well and had flashbacks but that's the first time I've been able to talk her. So I guess that's a baby step in the right direction.

[Tee]

Well to add to my feeling of horrible self loathing uselessness.  I didn't get the job either.

[sanmagic7]

sorry to hear this, tee.   

[Not Alone]

Tee,
Sorry that you didn't get the job.
Focusing on trying to stay present right now seems like a really good goal. One moment at a time. 

[Tee]

I am not sure if I can make to tomorrow. I just got in trouble doing my job well because it took to long. I can't keep going it's too much is all too much. I thought I was close to being out of my current situation but now they are making up * to keep stuck where I am.  I can't do this. 

[sanmagic7]

hang tough, sweetie.  less than a day to go.  we're with you!