Tee's first journal

[Tee]

Thanks notalone and 3R I'm trying to hope too.

Had therapy tonight. It's hard trying to believe that I have worth besides working my but off to provide for my kids.

My T is trying to get me to see and internalize that if my NM patterns haven't changed and she would in fact treat my kids the same as she treated me then it's her not me that has the problem.

The thing I struggle with is she loves things just not me. We always had pets that treated better than me, she does " ministry" helping the community it was college kids when I was young, now they do a clothes closet and food pantry.  I just want good enough to love.

My T says my logic breaks down because my kids are good enough to love.  And she would treat them the same as she treated me.  So I guess I can see were it breaks down, but I don't know how to stop the hurt. As write this my heart is hurting and tears are welling up in my eyes even though I rarely cry. I don't feel good enough to love, when my kids love on me I feel like fraud. I'm not sure how to change this feeling.

[sanmagic7]

so very sorry about the pain you're experiencing, tee.  that's horrible.

i know one reason you're good enough and have plenty of worth - you're here.  even tho you've been wronged, you have found it within yourself not to wrong others.  your hub and kids love you because of who you are - kind, supportive, caring, loving.  those are qualities you show on this forum every day.  and they're worth a lot!

there are plenty of people who have been wounded who don't bring their caring side out, except in other ways, like to animals, etc., such as your mom.  you deserved at least as much of the attention, care, and love from her as she gives to others.  i know that my saying so may not change this for you, but i do believe that as we keep getting pos. reinforcement, such as from the people on this forum, it all helps.  so, i'm going to keep giving this to you as much as possible.  you are so valuable here, tee, and i'm truly sorry your mother never acknowledged that for you.

sending love and a hug full of caring worth and value.

[Tee]

Thank you San

[Not Alone]

Tee,

First, want to just hold you and bring some degree of comfort to your hurting heart.

I know this won't fix anything, but I will say it. Maybe it will take hearing it 100 times, 50,000 times, any number that it takes. Your mom not loving you is 100% her brokenness. You are and always have been worthy and deserving of love. When I read your post the picture popped into my head of a severely disable child who is unable to walk, unable to talk; a child who will be at the physical and intellectual level of an infant for his entire life. Is he worthy of love? I think I know your heart enough to know that you would say "YES!" He and all babies/children are worthy of love because he IS. You should have been loved because you are; not out of being _________ enough.

Words alone won't fix the ache in your soul. But, hopefully, if you hear the words enough, you will come to a place of believing that you should have been treasured. The brokenness was with your mom.

[Tee]

Thank you notalone

[Tee]

Well finished my summer class tonight.
So that's a good thing that's done. My head is spinning

Got a ticket at work for parking in the lot I always park in. Now in not sure what to do tomorrow. I actually got permission to park there because of my PTSD but didn't go through the process of having them payroll deduct because it would cost more than me just paying on the day's I needed to.

[sanmagic7]

hey, tee,

congrats on finishing your summer class.  well done!   

can you show that note to the authorities?  hopefully, that will be sufficient to let them know you had the right to park there.  best to you with that.

keep on keepin' on, sweetie.  one foot in front of the other - it's what we got, and eventually it'll get us there.  right beside you!  love and hugs!

[Tee]

TW
So did some major self sabotaging last night. I was struggling to stay present and pretty sure in an EF. I don't know how to fix that except to let that pass, but was too low to do that last night.

My H has been nothing but supportive and caring and tried to give me space to figure things out and since a lot of my horrific trauma was SA he's left me alone there too.
Stupid me decides it would be a good night while in a major low of an EF to encourage my H.

As soon as his gently touched my side my IC was screaming.
End TW

I don't know what I was thinking it sent me into horrible PTSD flashbacks all night with sensory and muscle memory, so not I have bruises again from my brain not my H.  I feel so dumb.

[sanmagic7]

sweetie, please be gentle w/ yourself.  we've all done self-sabotage at one time or another.  i am truly sorry that you got whisked away into such a horrible place.  i think one of the most important things that can come out of this, instead of feeling dumb, is that you've just gotten another piece of information to arm yourself with.  we are in a battle at times, and everything we learn along the way can help us for the next time something hits us. 

i'm also very glad your H is so supportive.  maybe that's why you turned to him while in an EF.  perhaps next time you can talk to him about it first?  would that help?  i don't know, just a thought.

step by step, tee.  we're here with you.  sending love and a hug filled w/ compassion for yourself.   

[Tee]

Thanks San. Your support and hugs mean so much. It feels like I'm still shaking. I feel trapped and scared but I'm in the present there's no reason for it, but to my very core I feel like I abused little me does that make sense? Like I knew she was hurting and I didn't know how to make it stop so I just I made it worse.

I just don't know how to make it stop.

[woodsgnome]

Sometimes it truly does break down. We feel defeated on all sides, and then as if it couldn't get any worse we turn on ourselves too. I know that so well; well enough to realize that it may seem impossible, but if I survived what I know I did, I still hope for some way through all the shadows that cross over my trail time after time.

I hope you can choose to honor your own inner being's love and strength. Not your 'doing' self, just your being self. That being has always/already been there, and when we find it it's like finding our treasure.

For me, that's always seemed soooo hard ... but it's also sometime all I do have that's even near being reliable. This all takes so much patience it can seem hopeless, 'til finally there's a clearing breeze at hand. May this be happening for you, as you deserve it so much 

[Tee]

Thanks woodsgnome.
I don't know how to calm the hurt now that I mad it worse. I'm not sure I've ever in my life felt this much pain before.  I have the physical pain from the flashbacks. But then I don't know how to explain the rest a shaking ache to the core of my being that keeps taking my breath away and triggering me back to the horrific trauma memory/flashback.  I've never had that before it hurts more than words can say. I am not sure if I can do this.

[sanmagic7]

you're not alone, sweetie.  we'll help you carry that pain as best we can until it dissipates.  sometimes those triggers reach our brains and hijack our emotions before we can consciously realize it.  it sounds like you hit a core nerve this time.  can you contact your t?  maybe they can give you a more concrete way to get through this. 

are you familiar w/ pete walker's 13 steps regarding getting out of an EF?  that might help you, too.  i just know that this pain was inflicted on you by someone else - it's their blame and shame, not yours.  sitting with you while you go thru this, tee.  sending love and a hug full of gentle care.

[Tee]

Thanks San it means a lot. I did contact my T she said to take it moment by moment and try to stay present. She said we have stripped away all the way to disappear and hide there's no escape anymore so now we have to face it and deal with it. That's what's hard but we will make it through.  It easy for her to say she's not the one that's being run through over and over.
I go see her again on Wednesday if I make it that long.

[sanmagic7]

yeah, it's always easy to tell others what we think.  we need you here, if that means anything.  we want you to make it till wed.  hang tough, tee - we're hangin' right beside you!