Deep Blue’s progression not perfection journal

[sanmagic7]

hey,

did you show this to your husband?  maybe he'd want to respond, tell the guy to leave you alone.  if not, that's ok, too, but i see nothing here that shows accountability, therefore, to me, the apology is invalid.  plus, he tried to turn it on you, that YOU should have said something to him,  .  that's not right, it wasn't on you.  he put you in a horrible situation, he did it, but i see no responsibility here.  as tee said, alcohol is no excuse for bad behavior. 

sorry this happened.  i don't think you owe him anything, not a response, not a minute of time or energy.  i have a feeling that with people like this, any response will be a message that you are approachable and might be willing to engage with him again.   this sounds like a hoover maneuver - trying to suck you back in.   i hope you never have to have contact w/ him again.  sending love and strength to you, sweetie.   

[Three Roses]

Alcohol is not a good excuse for bad behavior.  Jerks are still jerks with our without alcohol it just makes it more obvious at least in my experience.

I would not rush back into any kind of relationship with him. If you feel you need to respond I would simply say thank you for your apology and leave it at that.

You did not do anything wrong in the way that you handled this initially. In fact, you handled it with wisdom. Him being upset that you didn't talk to him when this happened is HIS problem, not yours.

did you show this to your husband?  maybe he'd want to respond, tell the guy to leave you alone.  if not, that's ok, too, but i see nothing here that shows accountability, therefore, to me, the apology is invalid.plus, he tried to turn it on you, that YOU should have said something to him,  .  that's not right, it wasn't on you.

Some really awesome insights here! 

[Blueberry]

did you show this to your husband?  maybe he'd want to respond, tell the guy to leave you alone.  if not, that's ok, too, but i see nothing here that shows accountability, therefore, to me, the apology is invalid.  plus, he tried to turn it on you, that YOU should have said something to him,  .  that's not right, it wasn't on you.  he put you in a horrible situation, he did it, but i see no responsibility here.  as tee said, alcohol is no excuse for bad behavior. 

sorry this happened.  i don't think you owe him anything, not a response, not a minute of time or energy.  i have a feeling that with people like this, any response will be a message that you are approachable and might be willing to engage with him again.   this sounds like a hoover maneuver - trying to suck you back in.   i hope you never have to have contact w/ him again. 

   

I agree with your judgement Deep Blue that it sounds like gaslighting.

"he tried to turn it on you, that YOU should have said something to him,  " my older B did this to me too, and that always rankled with me until a year or two ago another mbr on here told me how inappropriate B's behaviour was. There's just nothing like blaming the victim of your actions. 

to you and here's hoping you can feel the strength and validation of the forum if that guy contacts you again.

[Deep Blue]

You are all amazing!!! 

Thanks for helping me when I was second and third guessing myself. Thanks for the validation of what was my inner critic and what is real.  You are all wonderful.

Tee,
I like what you said.  Alcohol is no excuse for bad behavior.  I was actually trying to cheer him up and get him out of his depression that night. That's why we went out.  It was his drinking that made things take a drastic turn.

Notalone,
Yes! That's what I thought too! It's not really an apology from him... it's sorta sitting the fence. He's saying sorry I was upset... not sorry that he didn't anything wrong.

San,
I may give him a short response.  Something just like, thanks for the apology enjoy your summer.  How does that sound? Yeah my husband doesn't seem to care. He took the apology as valid and said maybe he's in a 12 step program and is reaching out for apologies.  So yeah... my husband didn't look into it the way I did.

Blueberry,
Thanks for pointing out that he turned it on me too! Like I should have brought it to him?!?!?!  Thanks for pointing out the hoovering too. It's hard to trust my mind when it's clouded with anxiety.

Jdog and 3R,
Thanks for the support.  It helps as always 
—————————————-
Yeah I managed to sleep last night so that was a win.  I'm still a bit sick and sniffly.

I may give it till this afternoon and give him a short reply.

I'm thinking
Thanks for the apology, have a great summer.

[Tee]

Nice keep it short and move on.

[sanmagic7]

hey, just a note on 12-step apologies, which are called making amends.

they're very straightforward, the person owns their behavior, apologizes (as in, 'i'm sorry i did ...' - very specific, and never uses substances as an excuse), and is respectful.  they never turn it on the person they wronged.  this is not at all sounding like making amends. 

sorry you even have to think on this.  one extra thought - if you do decide to respond, and he takes that as an opening to write you or communicate with you again, i think that would be a very clear message that he believes he's back 'in' with you.  i'm glad you're taking some time to give this some thought.  i had a friend who, when confronted w/ situations like this, always looked past her first inclination.  she said that those were usually old messages of hers coming back to try to run the show in an unhealthy way.   

keep taking care of you.  sending love and hugs, always!

[Blueberry]

hey, just a note on 12-step apologies, which are called making amends.

they're very straightforward, the person owns their behavior, apologizes (as in, 'i'm sorry i did ...' - very specific, and never uses substances as an excuse), and is respectful.  they never turn it on the person they wronged.  this is not at all sounding like making amends. 

All the 12 Step groups I was in were about healing emotionally / psychologically while you were learning to become abstinent from whatever addiction / compulsion / behaviour or after you attained abstinence. A non-apology of the sort you heard doesn't count. No way do you have to accept it or make allowances for this guy due to him possibly being in healing.

I'm sorry your H doesn't have your back on this Deep Blue, but at least we do!

[Deep Blue]

I think I made a decision finally but I'll talk to my T about it tomorrow too.

His apology isn't really an apology.  So why should I go through the worry crafting a response? If he was going to give me a real apology he could have.  I'm just going to ignore him completely. I'm not going to respond at all.  If some point comes where he reaches out again, I'll give it a look ONLY if a real apology is attached.  Till then, I'm feeling good about my choice and looking forward to putting it to bed.


Thanks San and Blueberry! Your clarification on a 12 step program gave me more information and showed me that he really didn't change and that he wasn't being sincere.  Thanks to you both.

[Tee]

You rock deep blue be strong!

[Deep Blue]

Aw thanks Tee! You are sweet 

[sanmagic7]

well done, my dear!     way to go!      

[Three Roses]

 

[Jdog]

 

[Deep Blue]

Yep! My T agrees with me so I'm leaving the coworker be.  No response and am feeling good about that choice!

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.


I am supposed to do more exposure therapy starting next week. My T wanted me to start this week but I fought her on it.  Starting next week I'm supposed to do a purposeful exposure each day and track my progress.

Can I just say how much I hate this idea? I don't want to do it.  Plus! Many of my triggers have to be unexpected.  So I'm not even sure where to start?

[MoonBeam]

hi Deep Blue, just wanted to say excellent decision on not engaging with your co-worker. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Blech.

I wish I had some words of wisdom for the exposure therapy. I'm glad you were able to let your T know you needed a little more time before beginning. Listen to yourself in this work--take care of you. Be as open with your T as possible about where you are at throughout it and if something doesn't feel safe.  Treatment plans are malleable and can be adjusted to be most helpful.

I've been thinking about resiliency this last week. I had a little insight I think, that building resiliency isn't about getting stronger or being able to handle more, instead its about becoming fluid with the world around me. About self compassion and self care when I'm triggered, about creating boundaries for myself where I've had none. About letting things that come up that are not in alignment with my well-being go around me or fall away--to not take it in. Not sure if that is relevant to where you are at, but seems important to share.

I'll be thinking of you. You are amazing doing such deep, brave work.