My mother passed away in my home 2 months ago and I'm crashing hard..

[Rudi]

I have been very vigilant about taking care of myself and did so all during her care while in my home but it has caught up with me this past week or more. I have turned into an emotionally unpredictable anxious and depressed nightmare. I cannot seem to get a sufficient grip on myself and my poor partner is getting the full frontal attack.

I had a grief counselor but before I could see her she informed me that her friend had just passed away...I could not see her without catering to her needs ahead of mine so I have since relied on my trauma therapist and an online group for people whose parents have passed away.  All helpful and yet I am still falling apart. Here's where I note that I am also bipolar 1 and currently unable to take psyche meds due to other health meds and my mother is part of my CPTSD story, not mention at my mother's service my 2 brothers were there and it was the first time all 3 of us were together in almost 40 years.

It's a lot to deal with, especially since my brothers both turned their backs on me and my mother all those years ago when we confronted my father and exposed him to the rest of our family for the pedophile he was. But my brothers chose the money and fantasy as opposed to the cold hard facts. Despite all of that, I have forgiven them, as my mother had, and everything has smoother than we had a right to expect. Still, I am experiencing the severe loss, she was my Alpha, my tether and now I feel so lost. Sure we fought a lot, I had residual anger at her having stayed with my father after all he had done while we grew up but the truth is that when I spoke up she didn't hesitate to believe me or stand by myself. She was fearless, my Mom.

I've got to find a way to live with this without feeling so raw. 

Rudi

[Three Roses]

My heart goes out to you! You've been so strong for so long, maybe it's just time to let things fall apart a little. Just a little.  Is finding another grief counselor an option for you? Are you in the States? I think NAMI has offices in just about every area of the country and a variety of support resources. Here's a link for you - https://www.nami.org/Find-Your-Local-NAMI

I took care of both my parents in their last days and was with them when they passed... both had been abusive. I can't say I know how you feel but I know what it felt like for me.  if you want a hug.

[Not Alone]

It is a whole lot to deal with. Sending compassion to you.