Elpha's adventure pt. 3

[Elphanigh]

San,

I appreciate you echoing everything here. The reminder that it is not me who is at fault is so valuable. Rereading things here has helped. I do think all of this kindness and support will and has truly helped me start to heal.

I would like to think I did everything right, and continue to do so. I have to keep reminding myself of it though.

My warrior spirit feels a little more present each day. I am more in touch with the strong fighter part of me. Also the vulnerable, precious part of me that is not needing to hide as much now.

Slow movement, but all forward motion atm.

[sanmagic7]

i believe you did do everything right, and that you are continuing to do so.  i'm glad you're thinking it, too.  the self-doubt that gets produced from such horrid actions can be nearly as devastating, in some ways, as the actual behavior.  those people who make us question ourselves in a neg. way are never ok people. 

one foot in front of the other, honey.  step by step - you're doing it.  we'll stay by your side.  love you so.   

[Elphanigh]

Thank you dear. I am stronger today, I feel like I am a little more each day. Maybe not that I am actually stronger, because that strength is always there, but that I am more on my feet and better able to realize my own strength.

I had two flashbacks in the span of four hours last night and I felt pretty well knocked out. But with sleep and self care I turned them around. Today is day seven. It will have been a week. I am still here, I am still okay, and I am still moving. That I think is resilience and determination showing through.

Tomorrow I go back to work. I more fully enter back into my life. I am nervous but also glad to get to do that. I also have a therapy session tomorrow night, so I will do my second set of processing but from a much more stable position. It will be hard but I can be brave, and my T has shown her ability to walk with me through this.

I have done some cleaning today, and started to resettle truly here. I have also started looking at fitness classes and such. I know it would not have truly made a difference but some part of me wants to be more physically strong.... maybe not the best motivation but I could turn to worse things after this. I would also like to do the color run here in May, which I could manage as is now, but would do really well to actually work for it some.

I have also broken out my flute and looked at getting a keyboard. My coping mechanisms have been creative and physical. Also some video games but overall I think decently healthy. I am not drinking, harming, shutting down etc.

I am also determined to go forward with my education. This can be part of my "why" as much as the more distant past was. I will do the work on it, I will find s new therapist when I move and will continue to do the trauma work. It will create an anchor in that difficult time and allow me to continue working on this while in school. The fact I was retraumatized to this extent does not change my compassion, drive, and heart for this community. It does not change my innate personality that is so deeply a healer. It doesn't change all the faith I had in myself a week and a half ago, I just need to find that faith again. It is there, just a bit buried by hurt and doubt.

My heart has always been stronger than the abuse I have gone through, it is stronger than this one too. Back then I didn't have the tools or support and my heart still came out, now I have tools and mounds of support and love... I am stronger for the strength of others that help support me, so of course my heart will make it through this, one step at a time. I will continue to be brave and full of love. He doesn't get to cause me to be scared and bitter, not forever. I get to choose, much like I have spent the last two years choosing for myself a life that I adore.. I get to choose in the aftermath of this too. I choose strength, resilience, and love. I choose to fight and stand for myself (with the help of others that will help me stand until I'm able)

I'll be okay, one day. For now, I will be stronger every day and do what I can to move forward even a centimeter each day.

My hope is coming back I guess, I think that is what this boils down to

[woodsgnome]

May you thrive as you continue moving to the new life your strong heart is building. I could almost hear soaring flute music as a backdrop to accent all of the good prospects as you continue creating the richer life you so fully deserve to have. 

[sanmagic7]

when you said 'he doesn't cause me to be scared and bitter, not forever', it so rang thru me.  it feels like you put into words what i've just been doing to exorcise my ex and the terribly neg. feelings i was carrying around.  thank you for saying that.  it helped solidify my own struggle with this.

your resilience is definitely showing itself, as much as your strength.  your heart, well it's a healing heart, one of the best kinds, to my mind.  your spirit to overcome has also been with you since you were so very young.  you're the whole package, darling el. 

and, now getting your flute out, returning to the music that has played such an important part in your life - i'm so jazzed for you!  i was wondering what happened to it.  so very glad it's still with you.  just taking a break for a bit, i guess.

love you to bits.   

[Elphanigh]

San, I am glad that I could help solidify that in your own healing  I am always grateful that you see my strength, heart, and spirit. I can't put to words how much that means today.

As far as my music, I still have a very bittersweet relationship with it. There are still wounds there that have not yet fully been healed, I am not sure what they are but I know it is why I struggle with it. Music was always a way to handle my reality when I was younger, it was better than any words I ever had.. It was some way to feel connected to something bigger than me, but to also express the feelings and pain I had which were so individual to my experience. It was also something that took me out of the survival mode and out of the abuse I was going through. So my reaction to this abuse and this tragic thing was to tap into that again. It has been healing for me, and just a source of okayness in the dark. Not sure it will stick, or if using it as a coping mechanism is healthy but it is what has happened.


Work is really hard today. I have been just anxiety ridden and on edge all day. I am almost to my lunch break which is the half way point to my day. I am hopeful a break away from the office will help me calm down. Nothing bad has happened in the office, if anythign quite the opposite. People are glad to see me, and giving me the space I need. One of my favorite coworkers has allowed me to hide in his office a few times when my anxiety has gotten too much. I will eventually settle down. Hopeful that tomorrow will be better. I am not sure why the anxiety.. will need to explore that at some point/

[sanmagic7]

you've gone thru so much this past week, sweetie.  your anxiety may just be a reaction to that.  do what you need to do, you'll get thru the day.

i know your music has served a survival purpose for you in the past, and i know that when you picked up your flute again last year it was confusing for you because it had served that purpose so well for you, and it was difficult for you to just pick it up as something to do for pleasure.  if it's a coping mechanism at this time, so be it.  it's there for you.  in time you may be able to decide that it serves different purposes for you at different times in your life.

you're recovering from another traumatic experience.  i don't think you need to question yourself too much.  just do what feels best as you regain your 'self' once more.  it's all good.  love you my dear.   

[Elphanigh]

I have been. This week feels like it has been longer than any one I remember.    It has felt like time almost stopped for me, I could see the rest of the world whirling around but felt like I had paused. Like I was in a bubble and it still kind of feels like that. Maybe some of the anxiety is from that. Stepping back into the craziness and having to go at the pace the rest of the world is at... I feel slower and less able to do that than I would like. It is difficult to jump back in, and there is no real buffer for it here. This will be a very difficult transition  I think.... I will keep doing what I need to in order to get through.

It is reassuring to hear that it is okay to use music how I am for now. Maybe one day it will serve a different purpose.

Yeah.. it is so hard to work through another of these. Healing from something freshly wounded feels leagues different than healing from old wounds. It is the same stuff but it is different and unique. I am trying not to judge or question my feelings/actions/coping mechanisms etc... Easier said than done for sure, but I am just trying to listen to what I need and be as true to that as possible. Sadly right now that is not being in my work environment but I cannot help that particular thing. I am leaving for lunch to get Subway (specifically decided that this morning knowing I would likely need a bit of time away from the office). I hate that  I am having to push my anxiety and okayness to this much of an edge today but it is something I have to be doing unless I truly cant..

lots of love  Thank you for being here

[Elphanigh]

So I feel accomplished and rightfully tired today. I did do a full 8 hours of work today, which was difficult but I think I have a better idea of what I will need in order to make that easier for myself tomorrow. It will be a learning curve but I am determined.

I went to therapy tonight. My regular hour session turned into a two hour session, which is essentially a mini intensive. I feel like it has done soooo much for me already. It is helping me be really tired of course but well worth it. I got to tell the whole story in a form of emdr working to find any specific pictures or triggers that I needed to do more traditional emdr and some somatic on. As my T said that night and reiterated today "we will process the * out of this". She wants as much as I do to make sure I go to Iowa feeling powerful and ready. So if I do ever see him and am for sure in the same spaces I was in that day that I have a reaction unlike what I would feel now.

After tonight I feel like I will be able to hold and process in the intensives. I have never done one but it feels like it will help to do one or two before I move in May. I have the option to see her this weekend but I will see how I do over the next few days with this much processing.

I did also do day one of my workout today. Feeling like getting active will help my body start to process the trauma. The endorphins and good chemicals that come from exercising will also likely help my energy and ability to hold all of this. I do also believe that part of me wants to be stronger just in case and honestly that is okay.

Moving forward is tiring but I feel like I am doing it. Biggest compliment my T could give me tonight was "Keep doing whatever you're doing, it is working" . Not really sure what I was doing except reaching out when I needed, not pushing myself too far, and listening to my needs. All kind of second nature in this moment I guess. It does show tons of progress, how I am handling this I mean.

Speaking of listening to my body, I am off for the night. Sleep is necessary to finish the processing of emdr and to just refuel me for all to come

[Elphanigh]

Feeling tired and forgetful today but more myself and positive nonetheless. Work is more settled today, I think getting one full day in and getting the initial fears out of the way really helped. My session last night also probably served to help me a ton.

We first did some resourcing on the moment I realized that the incident was over. Which happened to be hours later at my friends house sitting on her couch when I finally fell apart. I finally allowed myself to cry and to let go for a minute because I was finally not moving, and I was finally somewhere that was safe for me. I still can not fully tap into that because my body and mind still won't fully let myself let that guard down. I am not pressuring it to happen, just working on it little by little as it becomes safer for me to do.

Then I decided to do the "harder" of the two options for emdr processing. I got to tell the story, from the first time I met him to the moment I was sitting on my friends couch finally safe. Getting to say the words, and to validate my experience while doing the bilateral movement was super important. I got validation from my T that there were truly no red flags early on, I had no way to know that anything was going to go awry. It was also kind of nice to have an open discussion about sexuality and such. We did process but we also talked and let me think through things which was really good. Either way, having that experience validated was super valuable. It helps me recognize there is no blame on me, just reassuring as it is the first time I have told it all the way through and it was reacted to well. It was received as is without question. It also is not as potent as it was because I could tell it without too much heightening, still difficult but I was able to get through it with as much detail as I felt was important for me to tell it in.

A year ago I would not have manage to do this last year. Would not be able to cope the same and tap into everything that I have built to heal. I have truly progressed, which is a silver lining that my T found in all of this. We can see just how far I have come because I didn't go into intense shame, isolation, or overworking myself. Instead I reached out for help, listened to my body, and chose to rest. I am choosing to process and not to ignore. A year ago this would have broken me, now it is painful but it is something I will heal from and be okay eventually.

She also pointed out that it is better that I don't try to stress out about healing on a timeline here. That we will process the heck out of this and it will be okay. She is as determined as I am to make sure I go to Iowa on top of my game and ready for the new adventure. I am so grateful to have a T that is truly in my corner and invested in my healing and well being. So I am working to let go of the timeline stress, recognizing how okay I am now and having faith that I will be where I need to be in May and then again in August. I am strong, resilient, determined, and have so many people behind me. I will be okay when I need to.

 

[Elphanigh]

I feel like I have come here a lot recently.  That is, I think, understandable on some level. I have a lot of pieces that are processing and working themselves out. Each day I feel a bit better and a bit different. Today I am still pretty exhausted like yesterday. I think some from my EMDR session on Monday still, from working fully again, and then from my body finally starting to release everything it has been holding onto. It is a pretty exhausting trifecta but still manageable. I am grateful for the tired because it means I am starting to feel safe and to let go, if I was still super awake and such I would still be holding on the the energy of panic and survival.

I don't have as many memories and intrusive thoughts at this point which feels so much better. I am still having to self care and be aware of how much I do in one day but not as much as before. I feel like I am recovering and entering some sort of okayness.

I do have one moment that kept coming back to me last night which is kind of why I write. There was a moment when I felt stuck, when he was then mad that he didn't get off a second time. I didn't mention this in my session when I was telling the story. For whatever reason it did not stick out or feel important in that retelling but it felt important last night. It still feels important today. Not like major but something that has occupied my thoughts now that the initial  images and shock have really worn off. I am not really sure why that particular moment stands out.

I am less in self-blame land right now. Although I do find myself questioning if it was truly bad enough. I know that thought process won't do me much good but I also know I need to recognize it and not shame it. It scared me and felt awful, so that is enough. Even if it is in the grey area and doesn't have a clear label it is enough. If my mind and body felt so hurt by it then it is enough to matter, enough to be processing, and certainly enough to be valid. I need to read and write that over and over again. That trauma was enough. I feel like because I have experienced so much else in my life that it is easy to minimize and question this trauma. It is by definition less awful than anything I experienced as a kid. It was less violent, less horrific simply because of age, and it had a grey area. AS a kid there was no grey area, and everything was much bigger/scarier. That makes it easy to minimize and question it. So I need to remember that the trauma is enough. Comparing and minimizing is toxic, and I would never question someone else's trauma or feelings towards something like this.

[sanmagic7]

it is definitely enough, dearest el, more than enough.  no shame or blame belongs to you, but what you experienced was horrible, and no one deserves to be treated like that.

unfortunately, i've been thru that experience where he got mad cuz he couldn't finish.  how pathetic - i was being blamed.  he was drunk.  we were married, even.  yeah, that right there is traumatic enough to warrant what you're going thru.  thank you, god, for the great t you have, and also for the magnificent spirit and strength you carry with you. 

i totally know that minimizing game, too.  this deserves to be recognized for its full power.  your warrior spirit is to the fore, getting you thru work, processing, and those repeated messages that this is enough, that you're not to blame, that he was wrong all the way.  bleccch, ptoooey! 

love you all the way, right by your side while you go thru this.   

[Elphanigh]

San, thank you for sharing. I am sorry to hear that you went through that but it does give me perspective. I realized I would not have in any instance said to you that wasn't enough. So surely mine is enough too. There is just this grey area I battle with. I did sleep with this man once (I know men not normally my thing but on occasion). Anyways, I did sleep with him once that night. It was mediocre but it was safe and non-abusive. I even instigated the second round, which is what turned abusive. That is what turned into trauma so I worry I didn't do enough to express that I needed him to stop. I worry that the grey area invalidates all of this pain. But I keep reminding myself it hurt and felt abusive, that you, my t, and a close friend have all told me that I did enough and it is his fault. So I will keep trying to remind myself of that.

My warrior spirit is working so hard lately. Keeping me going through this. I have had to adult all over the place today. Making arrangements for payments to be moved because I was out of work for a week, and looking at things with UNI that need done. I need to make a phone call but I think that is a task for tomorrow or later tonight. I deserve to rest a little. Well that is where yoga comes in I hope. I am worried it may be too much but I won't know until I try. I also know that my instructor is a safe very caring person so even if it is too much I will have space to get better.

Love you lots, grateful you are always here

[sanmagic7]

just because you instigated the second round has no bearing on being abused.  the info you had was that it was safe.  period.  that's all we can go on.  i don't see any grey here. 

i didn't tell my hub to stop, just went thru it with tears running down my face.  is that a grey area?  it doesn't feel like it to me.  yours doesn't feel grey to me, either.  the abuse happened.  how were you to know he'd change from one time to another?  i didn't know i could say 'stop'.  none of that negates the abuse, that it was abuse, and that you (or i) didn't deserve it.  like you said, it hurt and felt abusive because it was abuse.  there's nothing grey about that.

we won't get it right all the time, sweetie, but no matter what, we don't deserve to be hurt, whether it's phys., emot., sexual, whatever.  never, under any circumstances.  that is never on us, always on the abuser, and in this area, i believe black and white is relevant.  i mean, we could go all the way to the root, which is that we're human.  that could automatically make a grey area out of anything.

but, i don't believe humans ever deserve to be abused.  we are what we are, no excuses, but we always have choices.  people can choose not to be abusive.  when they make another choice, it's always on them.

you have chosen to keep love in your life, and a light in your soul.  that's on you.  you are beautiful.  much love, always.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you dear. I don't have the words right now to reply as much as I want to. Know I read it and am absorbing all of that, it struck an emotional cord in me and that will take a bit of time.

You didn't deserve that at all. Certainly not negated by a lack of saying no. Sending safe hugs if you want/need them