Wattlebirds journal

[Blueberry]

Sending support too Wattlebird 

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird,
to you and hope it goes ok when you sign the papers.
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Thank you for the support everyone I appreciate it a lot, the divorce hasn't happened due to a few issues (technicalitys ) so it was an emotional upheaval with little results (eye roll)
Journal
Feeling a fair bit better today, talked to a few friends, I'm trying to connect with people a bit better, attempting to trust people more, which is difficult and scary.
Had therapy yesterday and connected with my emotions a bit better, it's all extremely frustrating, I'm trapped by my trauma and the only way out is thru. I've spent a life time avoiding this but can't see another way out of this.
I think I'm angry

[Hope67]

  to you Wattlebird.  Glad to hear you are feeling a fair bit better today and talked to a few of your friends.  Great that you're connecting with your emotions a bit better.  I am also connecting more with anger this week - which is scary but also probably positive - I think.  Wishing you the best with it.
Hope 

[Sceal]

Sending you a big hug. Realising for one self that the only way is through is hard. It's frustrating, and no wonder you're feeling anger. It's taken so much away from you, and on top of it you now have to fight and claw your way through all the pain. I hope you can use some of that anger to help fuel your way through.
It is so hard, but I truly and honestly think that you can do it. if it's okay

[Wattlebird]

Thank you hope and sceal, I got a real feeling of comfort from your words, this new feeling I'm recognising this week is being comforted, last week in therapy I spent 5 or so minutes realising this feeling, it was so foreign to me and when I was feeling it, I was unable to communicate, It was a bit disturbing and I didn't talk about it, thinking it was inappropriate. I now understand that it was entirely appropriate, now I'm not saying no one has ever acted compassionately to me, they certainly have, but I always felt it was undeserved and usually felt ashamed that I had seeked comfort in the first place.
Really the more I learn about myself the more of a mess i see, it's quite depressing really but I also see the posatives thankfully

[Blueberry]

Sending you compassion too!

Really the more I learn about myself the more of a mess i see,

I know the feeling and I know how depressing it can seem. Yay you for seeing the positives too!

[Hope67]

I related to such a lot of what you said here, Wattlebird, and sending you a hug of compassion too 
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Thank you so much hope and blueberry, I was feeling down and when I read your responses it made me smile.

[Blueberry]

 

[Wattlebird]

Divorce is done,
I've been struggling with emotions this week, seems they are surfacing. Anger, grief, having them dissociated for so long has me struggling to cope with so much now, I keep wondering around wondering what to do with it all .
So feeling lost.
Just going to spend some time processing these emotions so I may not be around much or maybe I will, just wanted to drop in and see how you all were but I'm getting a bit triggered by posts so haven't been commenting much. But my thoughts are with you all. 

[Three Roses]

 

You're right to be taking care of yourself. We'll be here if you want to talk or vent or whatever!

[Wattlebird]

Thank you so much 3r
Journal
I took a little time out, while trying to process a few things. I feel much better today, I had therapy today and addressed the issues troubling me, then came home and slept, (haven't been sleeping well)
Issue 1 is/was my mum has terminal cancer and I was feeling a pressure to forgive her before she dies, I have been feeling so angry that I am stuck in this position, I DONT want to forgive her, she purposely left me alone with my psychotic sister who was threatening to kill me in my sleep for 2 weeks while she holidayed, I asked her not to, I told her I couldn't handle it, I was scared beyond scared, terrified. She was manic, didn't sleep, physically abusive, verbally abusive, etc, a risk to herself and others, I was given no resources or help. My mum said something like that's just bad luck and gave me a lecture on family responsibilities till I felt selfish and guilty for trying to get out of the situation. So my parents left me to my fate and 2 weeks later of sheer *, they returned, I waited 1 week, I was waiting for her to say something about my time, ask if I was ok or my sister etc. She said nothing at all, never asked how I was, nothing. I confronted her about this and told her I was leaving home. She cried and begged me to stay but I was a broken person.
My mum admits to being a bad mother but has never in anyway mentioned that incident or asked for forgiveness, I can forgive her rages and morally questionable way of parenting but that one incident is beyond my forgiveness.
So we discussed that and decided that I didn't have to forgive her before she dies, it is for me not her, I can forgive her later if I want.
Second I was getting freaked out about DID working through my dissociation book has got me considering that is a possibility and this is just too much for me to handle, she helped me with that worry as well, so looks like it isn't DID thankfully, but I still have quite a severe and complicated dissociative disorder none the less, she also said that although I meet the BPD criteria technically that my behaviour in relationships was uncharacteristic of BPD partially the all good all bad way of relating to others which apparently is integral to bpd.
So after that session I'm feeling so much better, she did say my cptsd was severe and relational distrust extreme but I already knew and accepted this.
Now I can get back to recovery, and stop being scared of my parts.
Also my ex wants me to pay for the dogs food, we are divorced and he has the dogs I'm on a tight budget and don't see the dogs, so I feel like f u but I know this will cause a big argument so I'm undecided how to approach this? I don't want him to turn nasty (overtly) I still have a lot of possessions at his place and can just imagine him refusing to give them back if I don't cooperate.
So that's my week,

[Jdog]

Wattlebird- 
Huge  for you as you continue wading through the muck..it certainly was not right of your Mum and Dad to have left you alone with the psychotic sister as happened and now forgiveness is not immediately required as your t has said.  I did not have any chance to cope with my Father's bullying before he died since I was only 23 and he died suddenly.  But over time, I have processed the pain and come to understand how much he himself was a victim of horrible parenting and, on that basis, no longer blame him.  I continue to work with the pre-verbal terror I experienced - awake to it many mornings - but I no longer hate him.  May the same happen for you, in time.

Sending another  for the divorce and the mean way in which your ex is handling things.  May you have some peace soon.

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird, I would also like to send you a supportive hug  and echo what Jdog said about the fact that it wasn't right for your Mum and Dad to have left you alone with your sister in that way - they should have listened to you, and they should have supported you.  But I know that they didn't do that, and that wasn't fair.  I also hope that you will get some peace following your divorce and I am sending you another hug 
Hope