Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts

[Wattlebird]

Your doing some big time reflecting and realisations, that's hard work, your doing so well, ignore that critic, it's not drivel at all, maybe your teen part is feeling more confident ? Or maybe your more tuned into what's happening ? Sounds like she didn't cause any problems though so that's good, keep up the good work

[Sceal]

Hello Hope,
I'm a bit low on words right now. But I wanted to let you know I read your post and it seems to me you are becoming more and more aware of yourself and have a good self insight.
I also want to offer you a hug  , If it is okay today

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

again, your speaking of your inner parts has me thinking/feeling about my own that i'm just beginning to recognize.  thanks for sharing so personally and in such detail.  i'm only now realizing that i have inner parts, too, and am watching them as they make themselves known.

by the by, not drivel at all.  it's been an eye-opener for me, and i appreciate your writing it down.  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Jdog]

Sending you a big 

[Deep Blue]

Hey Hope,
Just sending you some support and love! 

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird - thank you - I do wonder if my teenage part is feeling more confident to have acted as she did - and I have to say that being more aware of her - it's very interesting to listen to her and feel her thoughts and feelings about things - I feel her 'with' me - but not all the time.   Thanks for your encouragement and validation - It means a lot.

Hi Sceal - I really appreciate the fact you came by even when you were low on words - and I love the hug - thank you so much - sending one back to you  if that's ok.

Hi SanMagic - I am very happy that you are getting in touch with your inner parts - and that you are awakening to one another - that's how it feels to me (not sure if it feels the same way to you or different), but the great thing is that in whatever way they make themselves known, it's a form of communication, and I really like that.  I can't feel alone with this - there is always company, if that makes sense.  Love and hugs to you too.   

Hi Jdog - I love that big hug, and sending one back to you too    Thank you!

Hi Deep Blue - I appreciate you popping over and sending me some support and love - and a lovely hug too - thank you - and here's one for you too 

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Journal Entry on 1st December 2018
I had to take some time out the past couple of days - just to try to focus on things - reflect and not put any pressure on myself to do anything specific, and I think that was a helpful thing.  The weekend is a bit more busy for me - because there are quite a few things I feel I need to do - that are social things - and therefore stressful - but at the same time, I'm trying to cope differently with them - and trying to welcome the challenges rather than perhaps avoid them.  I can be a bit avoidant - because of struggling with social things - but I think it's important for me to face things more. 

I haven't had any reply from the FB contact I tried - and no way of knowing if that is because they haven't seen the invites or messages - or whether they choose not to respond.  But maybe they need a bit of time.  I also think that if there is no contact, that's ok too - because at least I tried to reach out and make contact - there's only so much a person can do.

I think there's a film called 'Mrs Wilson' which is about secrets that a woman with that name had - and which she kept from her family for many years - but finally shared her Memoirs with them - and they discovered there were family members they hadn't known about - as her husband had had relationships outside marriage and basically had other families with them - so I realise that there can be so many complicating things in FOO's.  The little that I have managed to find out - I realise that my own FOO is also quite complex- and there are some 'secrets' beyond what they didn't tell me - and maybe there are things that even they didn't know.  I don't know.  Whether it means that I would feel differently if I discovered things or not - I don't know.  I need to focus on the things I can deal with currently, in the here and now.

My dreams have been focused on 'packing' and 'unpacking' - as if I have to leave and go somewhere - but the themes are better than previously - where there wouldn't be any time, or time would be lacking - somehow there seems to be 'more time' and it's less rushed.  So I think that's good.  I have literally made so many geographical moves throughout my childhood and also in my adult life - but I hope that I will stay where I live currently for a long time - that's my hope, and there's no reason why I should move.  So that feels good.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal Entry on 2nd December 2018
I'm negotiating my way through the weekend, and so far so good.  I woke last night, in the middle of the night, and I felt there was another 'part' of me present at that moment, because I felt intense anxiety, and concern and angst - all those emotions being felt very strongly - and I felt intense guilt too - and feeling like I'd been so bad to break away from FOO - and dare to break free - and that I was a very bad person for doing that - that was how it felt - it was such a powerful feeling - and horrible to feel it.  Thankfully I was able to get back to sleep, and in the morning, I was relieved that I didn't carry those feelings anymore - and that part of me had gone - but I think it represented a part of me that is desperate to do what she thinks is 'the right thing' - and that was why I complied for so many years and tried to make my FOO (parents) love me, because essentially I realise I didn't feel love or protection from them, only a sense of being controlled and treading gently around them, as if on egg-shells - scared of breaking any delicate egg shells and causing what I perceived would be something terrible to happen. 

In the light of day, I realise that nothing bad has happened, and I am living my life. 

I need to do quite a bit of preparation this afternoon as we have relatives of my partner coming around - and so I am going to do my best to cope with this - they are good people, and they are kind people, and so it should be fine.  But I know there are parts of me that are a bit scared about it all - and who put up barriers - as they don't want me to get hurt.  I recognise this, but I'm trying to tell them - "It will hopefully be ok"  "We can cope".

Hope 

[Jdog]

Hope -

Great job both getting through the anxiety and finding a path forward.  I so well know the feeling of walking on eggshells, as that is how it was much of the time around my Father.  In my case, the simple truth is that he never wanted to have the responsibilities being a father entails.   When people simply cannot do a job they are required to do, the results are inevitably poor.  But you seem to continue to be able to form attachments, such as to your partner and his relatives.  That says a lot about your own "grit" and determination.

I sense such a sweetness inside of you, and it makes me smile.  And yes, you really are living your life right now, in real time.  Yay!

[Hope67]

Hi Jdog,    to you - I appreciate everything you said there - thank you so much.   

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Journal Entry on 3rd December 2018
Whilst I found yesterday very tiring, in terms of tidying up, cleaning, and preparing for my partner's family coming over - I enjoyed their company - and it was good.  I continue to be very tired today - as I slept quite badly last night, and once again - in the middle of the night, I was faced with the unhappy parts of myself - but it was different - in that instead of feeling blended with them and their experience, I was more curious about it - and felt less blended - which is what the book has mentioned being a positive thing to relate to them - I think that's what it meant - but anyway, that was what I experienced, and somehow it felt easier to cope with - and I was able to fall back to sleep again.
I know that my partner was also having difficulty sleeping, and today he told me that he'd had a dream where we had had a big fall-out/argument and I'd thrown some water over him!  I was surprised to hear that - it worried me that his dream-state was such that he was imagining that we were arguing and that I would do that to him - pour water over him - I wouldn't do that, and I also would avoid having an argument - I'd prefer to talk about things - and also - I'm not aware that we have any issues to argue about - so whilst I recognise I was a bit surprised, I am just putting it into the perspective that he was struggling to sleep and that brings things to mind in sleep - doesn't make it true - just that it happens.
I started to read Chapter 4 of the Dissociation book today - I might write a few notes about it in the 'Book Talk' tomorrow - but I thought I'd just re-read today - and think about what it said.  So that's what I'm doing.  I only read a couple of pages of the chapter.  It was sufficient to be going on with.
I was thinking about getting some books that are easier to read - and I remember that Blueberry talked once about enjoying reading Children's Books, and I think I'd like to get one - so I will have a think about which one to read - I am hardly ever able to read a fiction book through - because I just find it too difficult to stay in the moment of reading the book - and I get really distracted and never finish things.  I can read non-fiction self-help books, but not fiction ones.  But I hope to find a book to try to read and to enjoy.    I will go to the library to find one.
Hope 

[Wattlebird]

I have a secret love of teenage fantasy novels, maybe it's my teen parts, haven't tryed any younger ones but I think it's a great idea, I also thought watching the movies I loved at that age would be a thing to try, not sure how that will go. I'm glad your get together went well, well done in your progress with your parts as well.

[Sceal]

So glad you enjoyed having company over! 

One of my favorite childrens book is written by a swedish author called Astrid Lindgren, the book is called Ronja Robber's daugther. It's a small book, not very long.

[Hope67]

Hi Wattlebird - I like your ideas - about re-watching the movies you watched at particular ages - and I also appreciate the mention of your secret love of teenage fantasy novels - infact you saying that - you've made me think that I have always had a difficulty in thinking of 'fantasy things' - it's like I am a bit afraid of them - but really - what's so worrying about a fantasy tale - (as I find it a bit disconcerting) - but perhaps it's because I desperately feel (in some parts of me) that I need to keep within the realms of reality and not fantasy - as I can't control what happens - but the irony of this is that in my 'real life' I couldn't control anything - or didn't feel as if I could.  I will have a look at a teenage fantasy novel - have you got any particular author in mind as a really good writer of them?  Or a particular story I should look out for?

Hi Sceal - Thank you so much for mentioning the name of your favourite children's book - I will look out for it - I am already excited by all the great suggestions from people here - I wrote a post in another part of the forum to ask for some ideas for Children's books - and there were several really helpful replies and suggestions - and I am already looking forward to going to the library - most likely on Friday - to get some books.

*********
Journal Entry on 4th December 2018
I used to have a massage quite regularly during my working life - as I could afford it and would have one often - and it was helpful to me in terms of becoming comfortable with touch etc - and therefore was helpful over the years - anyway, I've not had one for about 6 months, and I went to have one this morning - as I got a really reasonable price - and decided to treat myself.  I realised I was quite 'tight' in my body - probably because I hadn't had a massage for so long - but I also think that the process of having one re-awakened quite a few parts of me, and I felt extra vulnerable today - more tearful and reactive to things. 

Whilst I was having that massage, I remembered that I had tried a therapy called Emotional Freedom Technique (might have got that wrong - but the shortened form is EFT technique) and it was done by a friend of mine when I was in my mid 30's (age wise) and I had about 5 sessions with her of EFT - it involved my indicating with my hand movements whether I replied 'yes' or 'no' to something, and my friend would then ask me questions - and she had asked if I needed to relax and whether I'd like to try massage as a way to do so - and I had answered 'yes' to both questions.  That was when I had started to have regular massage sessions, and I had found it very helpful.

But what also happened around the same time was that my body had ended up 'erupting' with a massage case of rashes everywhere - and when I saw the doctor about it - the doctor didn't know what could have caused it - or indeed what to make of it - or at least she had appeared quite perplexed and had asked her colleague (another doctor) to come into the room to check out my rashes - and give their opinion. 

But it makes me think that maybe when I had those sessions - that my friend was actually making contact with my pre-verbal parts - or much younger parts of me.  Maybe that had caused my inner body to react and expel all that angst in the form of my body rashes.  But then I think that I know that my M had unexplained rashes - and that she had consulted with her doctor at the time and he had told her she had a case of 'arsenic poisoning' - and my sister told me that she had had unexplained rashes all over her body when she was about 10 years old - but this was understandable (I think) as she was told around that time that she wasn't the daughter of the people she thought had brought her up (our Grandparents) but was infact the daughter of our FOO (parents).  I think this came as a massive shock to her - understandably so.  She said she'd ended up with a rash, then a fever and then in a coma for about 3 days - and then our Grandmother had told her that she had 'changed' when she came around - but that made my sister think she had come into contact with extra-terrestrial powers and her world view was changed from that point onwards.

My friend who did the EFT therapy has moved to Australia now - and I've lost contact with her, otherwise I'd ask her about it.  I 'think' it was EFT - she combined some 'tapping' and also the thing where she asked me to move my hands in resistance to hers and asked me questions. 

I can see that I'm wondering about quite a few strands of thought here, and I'm surprised to see myself sharing these bits of info here- because it makes me think that I can be identified by what I've written - but that would only be if FOO read this - and I'm pretty sure they'd not find this place.  Even if they did - haven't I got the right to talk about things - to share things.  I think I do.

I've ended up comfort eating quite a bit today - and that bothers me - because I don't want to gain any more weight.  I can see that I am eating for comfort - because of the massage today - and the thoughts I've had - and all the things I'm processing.  I think comfort eating serves to numb things - and I must try to look for aonther way to cope - and I will do so, as I don't want to end up gaining too much weight - especially at this time of year.  So many pieces of cake and biscuits and stuff around.

I enjoyed that massage though - it was relaxing.

Hope 

[Hope67]

OK, so I'm here again, because I've re-read what I wrote earlier - and I know my Journal title is 'Befriending my Parts' and now I'm getting to know them better - I am hearing more from them, and as some of them re-read what I wrote, there were various reactions, and I want to include them - just to remember this process whilst it is fresh in my mind:
In no particular order, I'll try to encapsulate some of the thoughts, as I don't know which parts are thinking what - or whether it is just me as a whole reacting, but here are some thoughts:

As I read back over what I wrote, I think to myself "Look how dum-de-dum-de-dum this sounds - as if you're telling a little fairytale" - as if you don't really care about any of this stuff - but I know you DO care."
Another parts says "You can't remember events - you're getting your facts wrong - you shouldn't write about this stuff if you can't get it right - you even made a typo where you said "massage of rashes" - when you meant to say 'masses of rashes' - you shouldn't make mistakes like that!"
Another part says "Did this really happen when you were in your mid 30's - or was it 10 years later?  Was it EFT therapy - or have you just forgotten what it was.  How bad was it that you allowed a 'friend' to 'do therapy' with you - I know she was trained, but shouldn't you have boundaries that you wouldn't see a 'friend' for therapy?
Another bit says in response to that "But I'm glad I DID see her, as she did help me."
Then I think about the horrible way my sister was told about her parentage and how badly she reacted to that - and I also think that my Grand-mother's apparent surprise and saying to her 'You've changed' - 'You're different' - that sounds so pathetic and lacking in understanding about the fact that telling a young girl (aged 10) such a thing, and keeping it secret from her up till then - that's not right.  Of course she 'changed' - I would imagine she was so traumatised by that.
This makes me think - but maybe they 'did their best' - they didn't understand how to handle things in that time - they had come through Wars - had vastly different experiences back then, it was different times. 
Another part of me says 'You shouldn't write about this stuff - it's too personal'   'Something bad will happen'
The adult part of me says back "No, it's ok - I can talk about these things - it's ok - nothing bad will happen."
But many parts of me can't quite believe that. 
Another thought comes to light - and says "You could try to find that friend who moved to Australia and talk to her" - but then other parts say "But she didn't know anything about your past - you didn't tell her anything - she had no idea of your past when she saw you for the therapy - she was practising on you really - for her experience - (again, not very boundaried - she probably shouldn't have done that! ) --- but I'm glad she did.
Another part of me wonders - how did your M get 'arsenic poisoning' - was it from rice?  She used to like eating rice.  Maybe it was that, but then an impish part of me thinks - maybe someone tried to poison her.  I am shocked to think that - but it's a thought that is there.
For some reason - I feel the need to let all of this out right now - I am not going to amend anything - that's a rule I'm giving myself - I'll just write it - then I can see what I wrote when I look back another time.
I'm thinking "People will think you're mad" - but another part says "No, they won't - they will understand these things."
I feel like I'm being very annoying - just in 'being here' - that's a horrible feeling.

I know that there are a few other factors that have affected me this week - things I've not written about - I might write about them - I need to go now as my partner has just asked me to come and have a cup of tea.
So I'm going to do that.
Hope 

[Three Roses]

You are far from annoying! I'm glad you're here and I like what you write. I don't always remark on your posts but I usually get something out of them, food for thought.

What you've described here is exactly what I experience, too.

[Wattlebird]

I'm enormously glad you wrote about your parts reactions to your writing, as last night I was what felt like conversing with different parts and was then overwhelmed with a conviction I was crazy doing this stuff haveing big internal discussions with my parts, I have to keep grounding myself with this site and the dissociation book, your posts help me, I need to see what part thinks this is "crazy people stuff" and reassure myself.
This part is now telling me don't write that, they'll see your crazy,