situation and sleep help!!

[Mickey776]

Okay. Please forgive me if this is all over the place...im in some desperate need for help on what to do.

to start...ive always been a very healthy person..mentally and physically..college athlete musician..work on cars...always have been positive minded and driven
i made the mistake of getting into a relationship with a narcissistic..possibly borderline..im not sure.. girlfriend completely emotionally/mentally/psychologically...even at times physically...when i tell you she is the worst...words cannot describe how smart cunning and straight up evil she is...negative...nasty..and the biggest manipulator i have ever met in every aspect of the word and her life.
2 years of a very up and down relationship....i broke it off many times because of how manipulative things were...but being incredibly smart and charismatic and manipulative she managed to pull me back in..
the relationship came to a sudden/jarring gut wrenching end...it left me questioning myself..as i was gaslighted and brainwashed throughout...but more importantly because i was always on edge and on guard with a heightened sense of vigilance ..fight/flight mode with her..i guess it left me traumatized
...back story is i have a father who was never obviously abusive...but he is completely narcissistic in nature..and subliminally emotionally and mentally abusive...its really sick sometimes...especially because i am suffering now he still  pokes his subliminal abuse to boost his ego..and its always been walking on egg shells around him...the weird glares/glances...stuff like that...ive always been a light sleeper and had nights with troubled sleep...

i was perfectly predisposed for the relationship and the abuse ...and the effect it had on me...and for her...and she takes the cake on any narcissistic canning evil character you might see in a film...im not kidding one bit and i need to stress how serious

since the end of the relationship i have no slept....not at all....i went a full month without sleep after it ended not realizing what was going on...decided to finally get help....but couldn't find a therapist/psychiatrist who would see me soon enough (they had openings months away)....i finally went 2 months of no sleep at all and me and my mother decided to go to the ER to see what to do and to get a sooner referral....at this point i wasn't sleeping...haveing panic attacks...and what little sleep i would get(1-2 hours at most) i would wake up and jolt awake from intense nightmares
at that time i was able to fall asleep..but would wake up 20 mins later from a nightmare..an hour..2 tops if i was lucky
when i went to the er....they diagnosed me with ptsd...(i had been jumped....and robbed...2 seperate occasions while also in the relationship itself) but the relationship was forsure the main point to my issues...never had sleep problems following the 2 occasions...the relationship was 2 years of every single say mind games and torture/guit trips/stalking/harrasment/abuse.
i was referred to an outpatient program leaving the ER and was prescribed minipress....
minipress was a bit late because i had lost my ability to fall asleep all together
iv been in outpatient and the program does give me the tools that will help me to cope...but they took their time on medication for panic or sleep...
i practice deep breathing..meditation...and go to acupuncture which is the best out of anything medication included...

this is where my problem lies...it has been now 3months+ of no sleep..i go most nights without any sleep...i get maybe 1-2 nights a week where i get my few moments of sleep
my memory is going...along with all other cognitive stuff..physically my body is shutting down too
i was prescribed nuerontin for sleep
but hasn't worked
my body and mind are hyper vigilant...and living in the aptmosphere with my father leaves me on alert also
this girlfriend is relentless also...and abusive still...after leaving and cheating on me...she is now harassing me...calling me from multiple different numbers...i have her blocked yes...but she has an app that generates numbers i guess...she messages me...i have done my best not to look...and i don't answer when i suspect its her calling...it leaves me jumping when my phone goes off....today i finally couldn't take it anwered..and told her to stop and leave me alone and told her what has been going on...that I've been in therapy...ptsd...havent slept..suciadal...panic attack..and i need to focus on me and heal....of course she doesn't care about that what so ever and continues with guilt trips how i don't ever think of her....yeaaaaa
so my phone has been off...i plan to change it...but she start now calling my house from different numbers..
i feel trapped because of my family situation,...and because this girl that has put me in this situation...and lives 2 mins away feeds off of this...i feel i need to get away
but i also need to sleep...and nothing has worked....they prescribed me remeron finally...but it isn't real sleep that i get....i have vivid nightmares because of it throughout the entire night because of it and wake up many times....and the sleep i get is active mind sleepiing which essentially not sleeping or allowing your mind to turn off and rest...and i wake ip actually visibly and physically feeling worse than if i had not slept at all
her father is a cop...and an equally narcissistic sadistic manipulator...hes on wife like 3-4
so idk how well restraining order will stick if i try

i need sleep help is the biggest thing but any insight on any of this is much appreciated.....it seems as though sleep is impossible...ive had a break from the harassment for 2 months before the immediate harassment from the ex...i still was unable to sleep...is sleep possible throughout all of this or in the future?
i believe I'm experiencing burnout from all of this also from all the stress of the relationship...all my hormones have been thrown off and my adrenals were checked and in crisis

sorry for being all over the place..im pretty desperate for sleep...that is my biggest issue

[Rain]

Hi Mickey776,

I am sending you a safe  and I am so sorry you are in this situation.

Hopefully you are near a large enough city which would have a sleep specialist.   I realize your issues are larger than sleep, but that seems the place to start.

Contact the sleep specialist office and ask for their advice on a safe place / shelter you can stay while in that city receiving their medical help.   They should be able to advice you on next steps, or at least, you will be able to think clearer.   

You also will be away from the abusers.    Keep in touch with us here, so you will not be so isolated.   Okay?

[schrödinger's cat]

Oh my words, Mickey. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I wish there was something I can say. What I know about insomnia fits on the back of a stamp. So I can only second what Rain said - the idea with the sleep specialist sounds good.

Now, maybe I got you wrong. But are you still living in your father's house? YIKES. From what you're telling me, that can only make matters worse. I'm assuming that, if there were any possibility of your moving out, you'd already have done this. Anything that gets you out of that house can only be a bonus. Quite a few of us have either ended all contact with their families of origin, or we've gone 'low contact' with them, and it's such a blinding, wonderful, glorious relief. So if you can do that... I'd consider it, if I were you.

Ah! Something useful occurred to me after all. We've got a sister site called Out of the Fog, for victims of people with personality disorders. In case you haven't already stumbled upon it anyway: it's here. They've got a forum, too. If you feel like posting your story there, you might find people who can give tons of useful advice on coping with narcissistic abuse.

Will you keep in touch with us? Something like that, you shouldn't have to go through it alone. We're here if you want to talk, and we're all rooting for you. I hope things will improve very soon for you. 

[Mickey776]

Thank you both very much, yes i will forsure try to stay in touch, thank you for the responses..
i will also look into a sleep specialist and will check out outofthefog as well.. thank you both..

i have recognized the sensation as well....my mind/brian...is stuck....it really cannot relax...i shut my eyes even now....and there is the subtle/subliminal tension that won't lift...like a stagnant stressor feeling....sort of like your thinking of a word that has slipped your mind...or you the feeling you get right before your head hit the pillow..eyes shut and slightly squinted...a feeling..that normally..once your head hit the pillow, would lift or melt away and your eyes, mind and tension, would relax....mine does not relax...it is stuck i hate it..i want to relax..i feel like crying out of frustration because of this...i would give anything to have it gone and to be able to sleep

[Rain]

Take care, and I hope the sleep specialist helps.   A counselor to go over what you wrote about could also really help you sort it out.   We all have benefitted from a knowledgeable expert with an outside view.

Grace and Healing in Your Journey.

Rain

[fairyslipper]

First of all I am so sorry to hear you are suffering with this.  Just reading your letter I felt my whole body tense up so I can only imagine how hard it is to actually be living this.

You might want to try taking magnesium. It is such a calming and relaxing mineral, that we are all pretty much deficient in. You can get this stuff on amazon.com called Calm. It is a powder that you mix with warm water and you can either drink it during the day or right before bed. I have bad insomnia a lot, not as bad as what you are experiencing, but bad enough to cause disruption in my life and this stuff helps SO MUCH. Also magnesium tablets will work if you would rather take them instead. Honestly. This helps so much......and it naturally calms down the hyper vigilance and anxiety too. You can google it and see just how much to take etc. I hope this helps.

Also you are doing meditation and breathing..........maybe try yoga.....it will take a week or so before you notice. At least 30-45 mins a day and like with the meditation it helps to really focus on the breathing. I swear by these two things. I hope you find some serious relief and get feeling like yourself again soon. 

[schrödinger's cat]

There's this theory that magnesium gets depleted by stress. A lack of magnesium will often lead to cramps. So if you happen to have leg cramps regularly, that would be a sign.

There's another theory now that links depressive symptoms to inflammations. It says that things can be fixed by making sure you get enough zinc, omega 3 fatty acids, and selenium. Now, tired as you are, you're probably in no fit state to do lots of finicky, complicated change-your-diet things. So in that case maybe pills would be a good way to start, just to find out if getting more of those things make a difference. (Make sure not to get too much though, because even vitamins and minerals have side effects if you take them too much.)

If you can begin to casually drift towards a healthier diet, in easily manageable steps, that might possibly have a good influence on your physical wellbeing. Not sure. Just, some of us are extremely sensitive towards such things. If you are, it might make a big difference. If you aren't, it might not. I wish there were guarantees...

But if you do feel up for a big change-your-diet thing: here's something you could give a shot. For three to ten days (depending how long you can do this without going insane), try cutting out some things that are known to be troublesome, then see if it makes a difference.
First, write down how you're feeling right now - are you getting a headache and if yes how often and when, are you feeling easily irritable, are you tired, do you have itchy skin, are you less able to concentrate, do you sleep (that one is easy to answer right now, I know)...
Then, either cut out or cut down on:
--- additives and artificial stuff like aspartame, colourings, flavourings... don't eat anything your great-great-grandmother wouldn't recognize as food
--- alcohol, chocolate, black tea, coffee (but if you drink a LOT of that - and from what I read, some Americans drink a truly staggering amount of the stuff - there'd be withdrawal symptoms if you just stop drinking it altogether, so maybe simply drinking less would be better?)
--- white carbs (sugar and white flour - mostly things like soft drinks, white pasta, white bread, breakfast cereals, cookies, cake, granola...)
If cutting those out makes a difference at all, it's often noticeable even on the second or third day, but give it ten days to be on the safe side. Then take a look at your old assessment of how you feel, and see if there are differences.

Sorry if I sound like your mother. I sound like mine right now in any case. Yikes.    You'll know best what might work for you. The thing is, I'm VEEERY sensitive to stress and to what I eat. So cutting out additives and white carbs made me feel like whoa-hey, I'm alive after all! - after I'd felt more or less like a hypervigilant zombie for quite some time. Also, food intolerances can REALLY mess things up for you. And they're so easily fixed. I'm still facepalming about how long it took me to figure out that simply not eating anything that contains histamine was already enough to fix a ton of symptoms I'd thought were unshiftable.

[Indigochild]

Hey Mickey,
Extremely sorry about your suffering and what you have been through and are not going through.
I know that when these relationships with a narcissistist end, people have trouble sleeping, beaucause their adrenalin is sky high.
Too much cortisol in the body, cant sit still, cant sleep- its all fear and a protection mechanism the body thinks it needs to employ to stay safe, after being so hypervigleant in the relationship.
Body mind and soul are ruined, so yes, you would feel exhausted.
It takes a lot of energy a huge amount to stay in a relationship like that.
Narcisists unforunatley, chew you up, and spit you out, leaving you messed up just how they made you.
Im so sorry...maybe you could look adrenal fatigue ,and suggest this to the sleep people.
Apparently natural things like melatonin can help you sleep more deeply, - can help you sleep full stop.
Apparently its none addictive.
we are here for you.