DecimalRocket’s Recovery Journal : The Sky Is Not The Limit

[DecimalRocket]

Well, no one, huh?

It's alright. . . I'll just deal with the pain myself. Yes, myself.

I might have . . . physically collapsed today, and wept, without asking for help. Then was repeatedly asked what I wanted for about 20 times until I finally broke the silence with one word, "Home."

But I'm okay now. Okay.

Sigh. Not even an event like this seems interesting to analyze now.

[Hope67]

  to you Decimal Rocket. 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

  DR

[Sceal]

 

I hope that you will fight your way through these dark days, and find your inquisitive and curious mind again to start asking the questions.
In the meantime, I hope you remember that allowing yourself to be vulnerable, although how hard and difficult that is, I struggle with being it myself, is according to Brene Brown a place for connection.

[DecimalRocket]

Thank you all for the hugs.



I'm sorry, I guess I just wanted to look strong, but inside, it's a mess. So thanks Sceal for the reminder that I can open up. 

...

I noticed something. While I still have the inner and outer critic, I don't dissociate and numb as much. I can experience a wide range of emotions now, often at the same time at strong amounts. It's strange to realize that I was meant to be this sensitive if not for the trauma — my earliest memories are feeling like this.. I feel scared, amused, grateful, depressed, aching, hurt, thrilled, hopeful, embarrassed and guilty now.

It's a scary thing to feel  — but I've never felt so. . . human. I didn't want to be above or below people, but a part of them— and that's what I get by feeling human.

Do I deserve all the good things that happen in life? Won't that mean less of the good for others?

Well, I'd think to myself, that in the ancient times era, sacrifice was a lot more needed as resources were more scarce. Then science came into the mix — and found more efficient ways for more resources in food, land and water for everybody. Then there were philosophers like Lao Tzu who talked about how a war didn't need to begin if people found a win-win. Who made really cool nature metaphors. . . Heh.

I guess is a resource that can be developed in the same way.

Hmm. . . More doesn't always mean less somewhere else. More can mean more in other places.

It's emotionally healing, historically accurate, efficient on creating change and advantageous on a personal level.

Heh. . .  I feel deeply comforted somehow by thinking this way, but I still don't know what to do with the crowds of emotions flooding inside me moment by moment. It's . . . overwhelming.

[DecimalRocket]

Today has been the most normal day in my life.

Which is strange, because my life has often been very abnormal.

I still had EFs, still had feelings of being overwhelmed, still had those critics. . . . but there were lessened to a point that things almost seem . . . ordinary. It wasn't the type of day that could be a scene in a dramatic emotional film, or an inspiration movie climbing up to a miracle. Just. . . an everyday, casual day.

I spent much of it self learning with something I named "Cross Learning". This involved finding more than 200+ thinking words (Analyze, remember, apply, brainstorm, compare etc.), identifiying my problem areas and improving them across unrelated subjects and everyday life. So I can do it throughout the day, work on the root causes of what's wrong, and with variety.

I use this for what I'm bad at and for what I'm too good at — I use for other things. While I'll put in the needed effort, I sometimes read unrelated things in class — some things are more essential things to learn than 80% of what's in school. 20% I'll stick around for.

What's a normal day for me? Hmm, I don't know.

A normal day, huh? I don't think it exists in my life, and in the entire world, I'm not sure if one ever has.

I've heard of too many people trying to be normal (like me), saying they're not normal or saying they "act" as if they're normal, but is there actually anyone in the world who's "perfectly normal"?

I'd like to meet one who truly is — they might just be the strangest person I ever met.

[Sceal]

I suppose you have to define what is normal before you can look at what a normal day contains, and what would describe a normal person.

I don't think PTSD is un-normal. It's a reaction on something bad that happened. Actions without consequence is abnormal. PTSD is a consequence. Although not everyone gets PTSD, but just because majority doesn't get it, does it mean it's abnormal? No, I don't think so.

Normal is a loaded word. Just like "weak" and "strong". I prefer regular, it's similar, but not quite.

[DecimalRocket]

Interesting that you looked at it from a perspective of how emotionally loaded "normal" is and you have a point. I'll use "regular" more as I'm worried how others will feel about it. I looked at it by stripping away all emotional associations with a word and defined it logically.

Normal seems entirely relative to me - based on arbitrary things like culture, time period and personal experiences, and no one fits it entirely 100%. That's why it'd be very hard to look for someone "perfectly normal" and adapting to everyone's idea of it is going to go nowhere.

My own treatment these days is finding my own definitions of essential words these days -- I get the sense that if I make a word my own, other's words have less of a pull on me.

I'm not going to do any of that follow your heart business. My irrational heart is what got me into this mess. It's better for me to follow my own mind, and follow others' hearts.

I know . . . because it's working, without crossing the line of being too cold.

[sanmagic7]

hearts are irrational, d.r.  that's why we love with our heart and not with our mind.  emotions can seem irrational at times as well.  i think it's a process to find a balance of what fits for each of us as individuals.  it made me smile that when you listed off all the emotions you're now feeling, you also added that you felt more 'human'.  feeling 'human' is one of the most irrational things i've ever felt.  also one of the most abnormal.

normalcy is probably irrational in its own way.  i don't think it can be definitively defined, myself.  i do believe we have our own level of normalcy, again, that works for us.   as i've been working away at this, acceptance keeps coming to the fore.  while i've been gone, that was the concept uppermost in my mind.  accepting myself as i am.  isn't that akin to unconditional love?  isn't that what we've striven for all our lives - to be accepted for just the person we are?

so, i'm believing in acceptance for me more and more lately.  i got so exhausted battling what i saw in myself as faults, wrongs, flaws that i shut down.  when the acceptance bird flew into my ken, i suddenly felt clearer, lighter, less like i had to continue fighting who i am.

i noticed you're giving out hugs now.  way to go!  proud of you, d.r.  here's one for you, just the emoji hug until you let me know you're ready to accept more.   

[DecimalRocket]

Hi San. Welcome back. Heh — don't worry about affection being too much. I can take it now somehow. . . well, at least from you.

Haha, yeah, hearts are irrational. That doesn't mean I'm going to harm or not listen to my heart, but simply that it won't make the final long term decision.

I'll continue looking for my own ideals in objectivity but with a change. It's like any ideal people strive for like love, bravery, discipline and anything really — work hard for it, but realize you're human and you have limits.

My heart wants to be accepted and loved after all — can't hurt to give it some.


...
My therapist suggested something creative.

So I got myself a workbook called the "Write Brain Workbook" and wrote stories.

A mystery about how a doctor might have lied about his famous cure, a story like a mythology — of a deity figure blowing away a modern apocalyptic world, a thriller of finding a counterfeiter group — The Whales —giants in the ocean of money, a warmhearted story about an eccentric lady wearing a Santa costume made of red colored paper and cotton, and more.

I've written stories throughout my entire life but kept coming and going with them— it wasn't that I was bad at making them. It was more that I struggled to realize which story I wanted to write out of all the ideas— a strange discomfort with its lack of structure and precision in deciding things.

I felt something release with relief much more than I used to when I wrote before — other times I'd still stare at a blank page not knowing what I wanted to write.

But well, I've been coming back to this hobby for this long for a reason.

I follow the idea that makes me the most curious. Not doing it for anything grand like "Beauty" or "Truth", but just because I want to mess around, explore and have fun.

I understand what I want most in life now — The objective truth and well . . . play.

[sanmagic7]

not bad goals, to my mind.  objective truth - that's a tough one for me.  i was once asked by a very religious friend if i knew the 'truth'.  hers was based in her religion.  i'm not of any 'religion', but am very spiritual.  so, i told her what my truth was, which ran counter to hers.  she couldn't understand.

is there an objective truth?  or is everyone's personal truth valid.  i tend toward the latter.  i believe that 'truth' comes to us through our experiences and feelings - a mix of reality ( or our perception of it) and emotions about those experiences.  then again, i know nothing about objective truth, except maybe math (2 + 2 = 4).  another interesting concept from you.

sending you a warm loving hug, d.r.  thanks for letting me in. 

[woodsgnome]

"Objective truth" and "play". The first is ever-elusive, the second helps to clear  the confusion. As in we yearn for stories to explain things; some of these work for a while, others not so well. The fix then is to find a new story, revamp an older tale, play with their effects on life and heart, and then...perhaps...find or create another story.

Unfortunately, there are many on this board--myself for instance-- who had other people's stories forced on us, and it can be hard to find the resilience to recover and craft our own stories. Or find the motivation/strength to do so.

Reminds me of a book title--"The World is Made up of Stories" by David Loy. Stories, and creative, curious minds. You're on track, DR.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi San.

This discussion reminds me of a study where they compared how scientists and artists react as they describe images. The artists often described images with words on their own personal feelings of it and the atmosphere it gave. The scientists often described these images by saying what was factually there — observing its details carefully.

To believe that there's only subjective or objective truth is too simplistic really— there's both in this world.

Besides, if I could clearly define what objective truth was, it wouldn't be as entertaining.

....

W.g, you got that one right. People often associate logic only with order, when mine has a certain free spiritedness to it, really. Like a child in wonder trying to take a toy apart to see how it works — not caring if the pieces have to be broken apart, because only with this stage of confusion, can he find a new type of structure to its nature.

Maybe the greatest order lives inside the greatest chaos.
...

[DecimalRocket]

I'm guilty for being angry at my mom.

She was an anxious case — with her own life, and with me. She dealt with this by micromanaging the practical side of my life and panicking or shaming me if I wasn't following her exact routine. Even if I was dead tired and crying, she still wanted me to follow the exact one.

She's gotten more flexible and calmer with me over time as I communicate my needs, but being with her still gives me flashbacks — from usually easygoing, I get irritable. Especially when she can still get emotional — even if it's shorter and milder these days — it still feels dangerous.

Why am I so angry? And with time, I realize that aside from the EFs, there was a reason. I despised her own irrationality and her rigidness, and I hate that I'm being forced to deal with it.

Nurturing isn't exactly an area of my expertise. Emotions are deeply confusing to me — in myself and with other people, and dealing with her own constant anxiety in such a rushed way scared  me. Besides, she has a habit of stepping down my constant curiosity and need to explore by finding danger in everything novel I do.

Sigh — I'm ... I'm so bad at this. I don't want to hurt her.

I can distance myself emotionally very well — years of analyzing things objectively has taught me that.

But that won't fully solve things, would it?

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket - I relate to what you said about being 'micromanaged' - it's a tough dynamic isn't it.  Good for you for expressing some of your feelings relating to your Mum, and I just came by to say Hi  and wish you well for a week that will be positive - or whatever you'd like it to be. 
Hope