Looks like a long hard climb to recover!

[morph]

Hello everyone.   Haven't been here for a week or so because I had to take my family to the beach.  (Hard life)

I took the opportunity to get into Peter Walker's book which in many respects is extremely insightful.   He seems to cover all aspects of CPTSD which is good but in some ways its tricky to know where to start.  Its 'difficult to see the wood for the trees' and I find that quite terrifying.   I was so happy to have come to roost when I found out about complex PTSD but now I feel or can see so more clearly what is wrong in my life that it all looks a bit daunting - almost impossible.

Years and years of compounding the problems caused by my childhood are not going to get a quick fix if ever they will be at all.  I think that 1/2 understanding what happens to me with EFs and negative thinking are causing me to spend more time in self contemplation than before.  This is very tiresome and frankly I feel like I need a holiday!

Mr Walker also has an answer for everything.  This is part of the 2 steps forward, 1 back process I guess.  I just hope that I'm on the right road at last because it looks like a long one starting off with a long tunnel.  Its all a bit emotionally draining and I've only just started scratching the surface.

Well, there enough metaphors for a while!  Hope someone can relate to what I'm trying to say.

[noname]

I can totally relate Morph!  Just the other day my therapist told me that I have had cptsd since I was a kid.  That's a little different than what I thought.  I was thinking it was more like I had a predisposition to developing it, because of my childhood trauma, and that it took a triggering event to show itself.
I guess it's good and bad.  On the one hand, I take that as I will always have it.  On the other hand, for most of my life I didn't even realize that I DID have it.  So it just really wasn't that bad until this past year.  I guess it's a little easier to swallow when I see it that way.

[wingnut]

I feel your pain!
Re: the contemplation; I battle with insomnia and lately I have been thinking about this stuff in the middle of the night, wondering about memories, wondering what I am *not* remembering. Not helping with the sleep patterns!

Anyway, yes, it does take time. It's important to remember that it's small steps and it's worth it. I recently went through a big discussion w my T about my frustration due to the slow process and how something slightly quicker than a glacial crawl would be encouraging. Enter "complex"!

[keepfighting]

Hi, morph!

Talking about the beach when there's been barely any sun here all week - I call that cruel! 

I read Pete Walkers book last summer (incidentally, by the pool, not the beach  ) and it was so overwhelming (...can't think of a better word for how it made me feel). It's just quite a lot to take in - and the steps you need to take towards recovery take time and practice and some of them are painful and tiresome...

The good thing about recovery, though, is that it's not so much a case of '2 steps ahead, 1 back' but you can also think of it as a spiral: Even though you revisit different parts again and again, you are no longer the same person you were the first time around; you've dealt with some aspects already and are ready to take on the ones that were still too raw and painful last time around...

when I found out about complex PTSD but now I feel or can see so more clearly what is wrong in my life that it all looks a bit daunting - almost impossible.

I just hope that I'm on the right road at last because it looks like a long one starting off with a long tunnel.  Its all a bit emotionally draining and I've only just started scratching the surface.

Do you remember that episode from 'Friends' where Rachel and Joey read each others favorite books and Joey has to put them in the freezer when he finds them too emotionally disturbing/draining? - That's basically what I did with Pete Walkers book after a first quick read through it: Put it in the proverbial 'freezer' and treated myself to some relaxing books for a while before I took it 'out' again and began to proceed in baby steps...

Who knows, if you start your journey through your own personal tunnel, it might not be as long and dark as you think - and you don't have to feel alone because many of us are right there with you. 

Best wishes!

kf

[morph]

Yes, insomnia, wondering what I'm not doing, the bliss of "pre CPTSD" ignorance!

Just venting really, I realise that its taken me a long time to get to here so it's likely to take a long time to undo those things.

Thanks for the validating replies, it really does help to know someone else gets it.

And I hadn't seen that Friends episode but I searched through my daughters vcds and found it!  That's about how I will be proceeding for the time being until I can get a competent T.

[flookadelic]

Hello Morph!

I really like an idea spoken of in the I Ching...a book I often dip into not for divination but because it contains so much fascinating insight into different states and situations. A decent translation / version is important, mind.

Anyways, the idea is called "gentle penetration". It speaks of the gradual growth of a tree root. It moves slowly but because the causes of growth are sustained and sustainable it gradually penetrates even the most difficult obstacles. It doesn't require all out effort which exhausts one. Nor does it mean we tread water and just stay where we are. It just means choosing a level of effort and commitment that we can sustain over the long term.

Obviously this is dependent on what out cptsd does. It is a highly reactive condition, it kicks off and requires a response from us. My first aid kit is based on acceptance, forgiveness, compassion towards my cptsd, treating it as a wound and not an enemy. But I do have a wider regime that helps on a broader, less specific front. It's that which I apply gently but consistently.

I'm not saying that this is the way to deal with stuff - just an observation and an idea.

[schrödinger's cat]

It would be so, so brilliant if we could do recovery once and then be done with it. But it really is a lot like a spiral, at least for me.

Maybe the good part is yet to come. I noticed that recovery work means having to find out who I truly am, what my true strengths and limitations are, and what life is truly about for me. That isn't something people do in general. But I have to do it or I won't get better. So I'm hoping very much that this means I'll have less of a midlife-crisis? I mean, basically, half the work is already done: less career options, fewer friends, less energy, identity crisis... I've got all that already. A very nasty and petty part of me can't wait to have my peers fall into their identity crisis so I can casually buff my nails and go "...oh, I got that over and done with ages ago". I should probably become more noble-minded.

But recovery work is just so bloody frustrating sometimes, mostly during the times when it doesn't show enough results quickly enough. I'm sad that so many of you seem to be in such a situation right now. Hang in there. We owe it to ourselves not to let our abusers win. (If that makes sense.)

[Rrecovery]

Dear SC,
Your post brought tears to my eyes.  I felt like you were speaking for my own heart.  Feeling "behind" and wanting to "catch up" developmentally, financially, socially, creatively; it's always there.  You're right, we either come to deeply know and care for ourselves or live in agony.  When will this all be a "blessing?"  I sometimes use spiritual paradigms as the great equalizer - Perhaps I'm a young soul who chose to mature rapidly in this lifetime.  On the other side I will be amazed at how much I accomplished in one lifetime - for all "time."  I do notice that the blessings happen in discreet moments, here and there, like the love and resonance I felt when I read your post 

[schrödinger's cat]

Thanks, Rrecovery! 

I'm glad you're all here with me. It's mind-blowing what a difference it makes, knowing I'm not alone.

[noname]

Great thread!  I'm enjoying all of the comments so much.  Especially like the idea of gentle penetration. Great concept.
I'm feeling overwhelmed with recovery right now. Feels like I have encountered lots of roadblocks and set backs lately.  Trying to purge the negative out, as if I have been infected with something horrible.  I can't figure out how to stay compassionate with myself, and not let the inner critic take over.
I like the idea that going through this now means we won't have to later.  I will try to keep that in mind.  This too shall pass!

[flookadelic]

Each moment of mindfulness, each recognition of the trauma as trauma and a positive healing response to it...each step we take is so meaningful. Because at these junctures we choose, and discover the power of choice rests with us. It becomes a new habit. It can take a while to embed, but our new choice does embed because it's easier when we move towards the light than blunder in the darkness.

[wingnut]

I like that. Thank you. Very encouraging.

[Kizzie]

Well written Flook, the moments do indeed begin to add up 

[Rrecovery]

Each moment of mindfulness, each recognition of the trauma as trauma and a positive healing response to it...each step we take is so meaningful. Because at these junctures we choose, and discover the power of choice rests with us. It becomes a new habit. It can take a while to embed, but our new choice does embed because it's easier when we move towards the light than blunder in the darkness.

[flookadelic]

I'm glad you're all here with me. It's mind-blowing what a difference it makes, knowing I'm not alone.

Thank you Cat. I assure you the felt difference is shared!