Every time...

[Jazzy]

Every time I think I've learned more
Every time I think that I know better.
Every time I think this time will be the time I won't hurt the people I care about the most.
Every time I hurt them worse than every before.
Every time it hurts me worse than the time before.
Every time I find a way through
Every time I start to feel happier and healthier
Every time I think I've learned more.

I haven't slept in two days, maybe three. It's hard to remember by now. My calendar says I'm supposed to have a Dr. apt. then start therapy tomorrow. The landlord is also supposed to have someone come to fix the furnace. I don't know what's going to happen. I hope they don't walk in on me asleep. It wouldn't be the first time that's happened.

Maybe I'll still be awake though. I don't know why I'm not asleep, or how I'm still awake. I'm sedated, and I've only eaten 1 small meal in 2 days. I haven't rested a second. I'm not even micro-napping. I feel fatigued, but not tired. I just feel mentally hurt. I'm so tired of it.

Why can't I get better? If my mind and body fought this hard to do something productive, I'd probably have a billion dollars by now. Maybe not a billion dollars, but I'd at least have somebody to share love with.

I really don't think it's ever going to get better. I can't even imagine it. I've never known "better".

[Libby12]

Jazzy.

I am so sorry to read how terrible you are feeling at the moment.   About thirty six hours ago,  I was feeling terrible too.  Similar to what you have described,  I think.  Maybe elements of EF.   Pretty sure that's what was happening to me.

I think you said about a new medication.  Do you think that is playing a role in how you are feeling at the moment?

I just hope that you can get some sleep and that you are up to getting to your appointment.  It might help - I really, really hope so.  I don't like to throw out suggestions,  after all, we would all do the healthy thing if we were able.  But if you can,  could you pick up something really nice to eat, something really tempting.  I know how hard it is to bother to eat when you get so low, but I am concerned that you have eaten so little.

I have read the first part of your post several times.   It really resonated with me.  I think most people here will really get this and I am so impressed at the way you have sort of broken down and summed up the cyclical nature of what we are dealing with.  I am coming out of that horrid,  low part of the cycle, and I am supporting you through it in spirit.

Take care,

Libby

[Three Roses]

Standing with you, jazzy. A safe if you want one.

[Jazzy]

Thank you! 

I finally slept, which is good. I missed all my appointments, but I can re-book them, that's a frustration, but not a serious problem.  Looking back over the last week, there have been a few different things that really impacted me, so I'm not altogether surprised I had such a reaction, though I wish I didn't.

Yumm.... Libby, that sounds so tempting! If I jump immediately for a rich meal, it won't stay down, so I will work my way up to one, and enjoy it (probably tomorrow!). Thanks for mentioning how important it is to eat. I know consciously that it's important, but... my mind tends to have a mind of it's own. 

I'm sorry to hear you had a rough weekend too! Are things going better for you now? I think you mentioned before the weekend about an EF too, is that right? I'm concerned about you. My EFs tend to change my baseline, often when I'm in the middle of one I don't realize it. Sometimes I think I'm even doing pretty well until some time later when I can look back on it. So, I hope it ends soon and you make it through without too much damage! Take care of yourself too!

[Libby12]

Hi Jazzy.

So pleased to hear that you had a good sleep.  I find it amazing what a difference that can make to things.  Also,  I think you are right to reschedule appointments if you are feeling really bad as it's so hard to engage when in an ef type state. Do you find that?

Thank you so much for your concern.  Looking back, I was in a real ef state a couple of days ago.  You are so right about not recognising it when you are in the middle of it.  I am definitely out of it now and realise exactly what triggered it. I feel better for knowing, but ashamed that I hurt my husband.   Am going to try to explain more to him later.

I hope very much that you have been taking care of yourself.   Maybe had something nice to eat?  I find that when in an ef,  I both don't want to eat and feel hungry at the same time.   It's very confusing.

Take care, and let me know how you are doing. I am finding our exchanges very positive.   Thank you so much.

Libby

[Jazzy]

On the plus side, I'm making my favourite go-to meal. On the other side, something is really screwy with me. I'm pretty sure my brain chemistry is out of whack a fair bit. It seems like I'm moderately high, but I haven't touched any drug not prescribed in a couple of years at least. Hopefully it will clear up soon.

It sounds like things are going well for you! Does your husband know about the CPTSD? Hopefully he will be understanding about what happened. I'd appreciate hearing how the talk goes.

Thanks to you too! 

[Libby12]

Hi Jazzy.

Very much hoping that you got your favourite meal, and above all, enjoyed it a bit.  Also hoping that you are managing some sleep.

As regards my husband and his understanding of cptsd,  he sort of gets it. I had asked him to read Pete Walker's book a couple of times and despite being a keen reader,  he never did.  So after my ef meltdown at the weekend,  I gave him the book and basically told him to read it. So I think that will help - he said he was surprised that so many people had such a definite pattern of symptoms,  all of which he recognised in me.

Do you have anyone to talk to,  who gets how you are feeling?   It is so true what everyone here says - only those who have been there can even begin to understand.

Sadly,  I think one of my sons is definitely showing all the signs of cptsd. Another reason why I wanted my husband to read the book.  I hate to see him suffer.

Hoping very much that you are coming out of that horrible cycle and that you are coping with the new medication. Could that be why your brain chemistry feels 'screwy'? 

Anyway,  as ever, take care.

Libby

[Jazzy]

Thanks! It's going alright. I got some food, got a bit of housework done. So, I'm improving in some way.

I'm glad you have your husband, and he has some sort of understanding. That can be a tremendous help, even though it's sometimes hard to tell. It's really difficult to read on something that isn't personally interesting/relate-able. I used to read a couple hundred pages a day, but I'd struggle to get through a dozen if it wasn't my thing. So, it's understandable if he's slow at picking it up. 

I don't have anyone to talk to about this except you and the other wonderful people here. I'm working on changing that though! Hopefully I can get in to some community programs in the New Year. I think that will be a good start.

I hope your son does well. He has an experienced, understanding parent on his side, and that's a tremendous benefit! 

I think the medication did throw me off a bit. It is supposed to change things, so I'm waiting out the adjustments. However, when I woke up, I remembered that at my last doctor's appointment my resting heart rate was 20-25% faster than it should be. So, maybe whatever is causing that is a culprit in the sleep changes as well? I'll have to get it checked out again soon.

How's your weekend going? Hopefully better than last!

Cheers!

[Libby12]

His Jazzy.

Really hoping that you have had an OK weekend and that the odd symptoms you were having have started to settle down a bit.  I think that dealing with a few practical things like food and tidying is a very positive step.  My weekend has been very much like that too - just a few nice, useful achievements.   I have realised since last weekend,  that my worst EF's are on Sundays, so yesterday I took very definite steps to avoid triggers and it really worked.   Have you picked up on any pattern to your flashbacks?  Can't believe how long It took me to see this, but talking to you about weekends seems to have set me on the right path.  Many thanks!

Thank you as well for your encouragement about my son.  He is such a lovely person who has been bullied relentlessly due to difficulties he has had since birth.  I feel so much guilt around his birth and subsequent problems,  that it is extra hard to watch his suffering. 

My fingers are crossed for you that you are starting the week in a reasonable place.  Do you think you feel able to sort out your appointments?  I am still putting off calling both of the counselling services my doctor gave me two weeks ago.  I am just too scared of being invalidated and dismissed again. 

Anyway,  keep going with looking after yourself.  I'm right there with you.

Libby

[Blueberry]

  I have realised since last weekend,  that my worst EF's are on Sundays, so yesterday I took very definite steps to avoid triggers and it really worked.   

Hey Libby,

That's a great realisation! Congratulations on taking the steps to make it work. 

[Libby12]

Thanks, Blueberry.  Love the cheerleaders.

It's so obvious when I think of most Sundays in childhood.  They were probably the most stressful day of the week.  That's the value of talking with everyone here - I keep getting new insights into what is going on with me and then I can move forward a little more.

All the best,

Libby.